My Life: Year-by-Year (927 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.23 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cocaine (View user info) at 2005-09-21 11:18:34 EDT
Not that you care:
At conception: I was the fastest swimmer (a trait that has stuck with me through the years) and made my way through the tricky crevices of the enticing and sought-after egg.
At Birth: I cried for the first time. I then urinated all over my mother.
At Age 1: The soft spot on my head finally hardened up and I began plotting. I'm not sure what I was plotting, but after seeing my baby pictures, it looks like I was surely up to something. Perhaps I was shitting all the time. Who knows?
At Age 2: I was a quick learner so I finally realized the importance of not shitting in my pants. Yes, Mr. Toilet finally accepted my doodies. I think I was walking by this point as well. And according to my mother, my first word was "No." That...or "I am certainly in the mood for a tuna sandwich, please. I really prefer chives in there as opposed to just plain tuna. And if you could toast the bread and cut off the edges, that would be great....mmkayyyyy? Thanks a bunch, Milton."
At Age 3: Not sure, I was smoking a lot of pot at this point of my life so it's all kind of fuzzy.
At Age 4: I started to swim. I also showed girls my penis many times. I was spanked by my parents a lot because of this. I then showed the girls my penis even more. I was subsequently spanked more. It was a wonderful and vicious cycle.
At Age 5: I learned how to paste stuff and say the pledge of allegiance.
At Age 6: I remember playing with G.I. Joe's alot. My lisp finally went away and I first experienced pure hatred: My first grade teacher, Mrs. Niedermayer. Fucking cunt.
At Age 7: I transferred schools and had to make new friends. I just showed them my penis and I was in like a hot knife through buttah. I also had my first "girlfriend." A cute little Italian girl named Maria. I'm assuming she's married with 6 kids by now.
At Age 8: Kind of a boring year. I threw a bunch of rocks and was moving up in rankings as one of the top under-13 swimmers in my state. I also met the guy who, to this day, is still my best-friend. I also took my first inter-continental flight to Aruba. Wa-hooooo. (boring year....8 sucks).
At Age 9: GI Joe's were replaced with Legos. I built many stupid things. Among them: a replica of my house, a replica of my school, an amazing futuristic car that could a) fly, b) shoot my older brother in the face when he took my toys, and c) cloak into invisibilty upon command.
At Age 10: I was the number 3 ranked swimmer in my age group throughout my home state. Lots of trophies and lots of mornings waking up at 4 am.
At Age 11: I was skinny kid, so I was beat up for the first time at this age. I then started to take Karate. My mom pulled me out when I, about 3 months after the beating, kicked my assailant directly in his balls.
At Age 12: Still swimming....now ranked #1 in the state for my age group. Grades were high and all was looking good.
At Age 13: I became a "man" and had my Bar-Mitzvah. I got to first and second base for the first time. Second base was not all that exciting at this point.
At Age 14: Whacking off. A lot.
At Age 15: See "At Age 14." I also lost all interest in swimming......odd.
At Age 16: Lots of firsts. First blow job. First time having sex. First cigarette. First time doing "hard" drugs. First (and thankfully last) time walking in on my father having sex with my mother.
At Age 17: Driver's License. First time having sex in a car. First speeding ticket. Second speeding ticket. Third speeding ticket. First time resisting arrest. First time arrested. First and last time my parents bailed me out of jail by pleading with their judge friend that I was a good boy. HA.
At Age 18: Graduated high-school, started college, joined a fraternity, did lots of drugs, and drank more than I ever have in my entire life. I hadn't swam in 5 years by this point.
At Age 19: Let's see....I took some classes, had a bunch of sex, got some good grades, did shrooms for the first time,
At Age 20: I fell in love for the first time. It was also the first time my heart was truly broken. My collegiate GPA suffered accordingly. I swear, girlfriends are equivalent to a full 15 credit semester.
At Age 21: My oh my...............this was quite a year.
At Age 22: Graduated college, majoring in Economics and got my first job doing private equity at a major consulting firm. My social life takes a nose dive around October of this year.
At Age 23: Still busting my ass. For the second time in my life, I want to kill a superior. Except this time, instead of shoving chalk up his nose, I was to take a tommy-gun, stick it up his fat ass, and blow his fucking brains out.......I seek therapy for the first time.
At Age 24: Work became a bit easier and my social life became better. I also started swimming again.
At Age 25: Grossed 7 figures in my third year. Coincidentaly made many new friends and received phone calls from many distant family members. Fourth-cousin twice removed is family, right?
At Age 26: Joined Ubersite. My life is now over.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-17 16:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:58:25 (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this:
At Age 3: Not sure, I was smoking a lot of pot at this point of my life so it's all kind of fuzzy.
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm willing to bet that "more than [you] drank in your entire life" was approximately six pints, you pansy motherfucker.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-09-21 20:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love stories where the guys who did all the trouble-making and partying in high school and college turn out the most successful in the end. I hated those nerds that used to tell me that I would be a faiylure for neglecting my studies and binge drinking 3 or 4 nights a week.
They were right of course, but I still hate them and like to see fellow binge alcoholics succeed.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-21 14:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:31:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
I refuse to give you any kind of positive rating for a gratuitously, self-congratulatory post.
===
I think you need chocolate.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-21 14:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
prove it
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-21 13:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:31:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
I refuse to give you any kind of positive rating for a gratuitously, self-congratulatory post.
--------------
You seem irritable today.
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if anything, berty, i was mocking myself. but you're free to think what you like, so.....ok.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I refuse to give you any kind of positive rating for a gratuitously, self-congratulatory post.
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The first half was awesome, but the second half got kinda boring. Overall it was good, so I'll give you half of a +2.
It's good to know someone else was smoking pot at the age of three though...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6 figures is enough for me.
I'll gladly take £999,999 a year.
Maybe even £999,998.76
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Good stuff.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this:
At Age 3: Not sure, I was smoking a lot of pot at this point of my life so it's all kind of fuzzy.
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a very good year, WhatTheHell. And when I say I "grossed" 7 figures, that means that I got my company that amount....I got a nice percentage of it, but no, I myself did not make over a mil. Soon, though.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA.... did you say "7 figures"
HAHAHAHHAHAHH!!!... that's rich!
I liked it though, so here's a +2..a rare thing from me.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff here.....
User below me, are you Val...the Val...lives in Delran?
Been trying to track you down but you are never here, I'm in Cinnaminson...that's all I got though.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
spill the beans on 21 you shyster!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-21 11:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fascinating