If the matrix exists, it sure likes fucking with me (784 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.93 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Manic Velocity (View user info) at 2005-09-21 12:15:13 EDT
"The matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now in this very room. You can see when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television set. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth."
I don't know if the matrix exists. Either literally or metaphorically. But something was certainly screwing with my brain last night. The only semi-logical explanation I can come up with is that the chips and french onion dip that I was calling my dinner had some kind of hallucinogenic effect on me in my sleep.
I hit play on iTunes and fell asleep to the soothing sounds of Massive Attack. I was out before the first song finished playing.
I awoke in a hotel room. I had been here before. I stayed here with my mom, little brother, and my step-dad for a fishing trip 9 years ago. The place was obviously built in the 70's. Wood paneling on the walls, and yellow/green shag carpet everywhere. I sat up in the bed that I was laying on and made my way towards the bathroom. My deoderant stick was sitting on the edge of the sink. With a quick sniff of my armpits, I pulled off the lid of the deoderant and ran a few swipes under my arms. Suddenly, I noticed that my armpits felt rather greasey. I looked down and saw that the deoderant had melted under my arms into thick globs of slippery goop, but for some reason, I didn't care. I walked back into the bedroom and sat at the edge of my bed.
Out of nowhere, I hear a loud crash as my little brother comes bursting through the door, with a white angelic light beaming behind him. He's wearing a Lakers jersey and is carrying a basketball. I notice that he isn't so little anymore. He looks like he did 9 years ago, but the fucker is 10 feet tall. He has to walk on his knees to fit comfortably in this hotel room. He speaks.
"Hey Manic!"
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"The guys and I are going to play some 'What the fuck' basketball!"
"What the fuck is 'What the fuck' basketball?"
"It's like normal basketball, but we play on a football field that's covered in ice!"
"Ok, cool."
Then I wake up. I hear a strange buzzing in my ear and feel a sharp sting on the wrist of my right arm. A mosquito. I swat the little bastard away and instinctively begin itching my wrist like crazy. The stinging becomes a throbbing burning. I itch faster and faster. Not working. I tumble out of bed and begin grinding my wrist on the carpet of my apartment floor. I would have a terrible case of rug burn in the morning, but it felt oh so good.
The itching subsides and I climb back into bed. I pile three of my four pillows on top of me to provide more warmth. I spoon the fourth pillow because I'm single and lonely. I do my best to put the mosquito bite out of my mind and focus on Massive Attack. Behind the music, I hear the faint patter of raindrops outside my window. I can never sleep when it rains. It's not that it bothers me. I love rain. I prefer to keep myself awake so I can enjoy it.
For about two hours, I remain in twilight. That ambient medium between sleep and waking. I'm calm enough to let my body recharge, but I'm awake enough to be aware of it. The smell of the rain seeps through the single-pane windows and I am completely at peace. At peace with myself, and at peace with the world. At this point, anything can be forgiven. I start to wonder if this is how Buddhist monks feel when they meditate. Before I can delve much into that thought process, I'm asleep again.
No dreams this time. Just darkness. I can still hear the music, but it is distant. The trickling of rain drops is even further away. But I know it's there.
The screeching of my cell phone's alarm clock breaks the silence. I reach down to the floor and click the "Terminate call" button to shut off the alarm. The music is still playing and the rain is still falling. I haven't woken up and felt this good in a long time. But what about that mosquito bite? What kind of damage did I do to my wrist with all that violent scratching? I put my glasses on and inspect the infected area.
Nothing.
I check the other wrist.
Nothing.
There was no mosquito. There was no mosquito bite. On top of that, there were no scratch marks. No rug burn. My wrist was perfectly fine.
I climb out of bed and make my way to the shower. I think to myself...
"'What the fuck' basketball sounds like a pretty fun game."
User Reviews
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-22 04:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hit play on iTunes and fell asleep to the soothing sounds of Massive Attack.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:37:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby that I kept forgetting about and leaving places, like at the gas station or locked in the car. That does not bode well for my future as a mother.
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Oh dear God!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for playing Massive Attack on I-Tunes...
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all very good but this, "I pile three of my four pillows on top of me to provide more warmth. I spoon the fourth pillow because I'm single and lonely." is greatness.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there is no spoon
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is fucked.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-09-21 13:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh you silly goose, all you have to understand is that the matrix in itself relies on one thing, and that one thing alone -- that you are the most awesomest dude in the history of ever.
if you keep taht in your mind, then you can fuck with the matrix all you want. just ask me! yesterday i had a tea party with a walrus and a koala, after which i played cricket with a sperm whale and ate potatoes with a carrot. it was glorious in all facets of the imagination, and do you know why?
because I AM THE MATRIX.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-21 13:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my dreams get fucked up after i eat hot, spicy foods...specifically taco bell w/hot sauces
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-09-21 13:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How would you be able to tell the difference from the real world and the dream world?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever had a dream that you were so sure was real?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
only thing more boring than listening to someone tell you about the dream they had last night is reading about somebody lying about the dream they didn't have last night
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby that I kept forgetting about and leaving places, like at the gas station or locked in the car. That does not bode well for my future as a mother.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eat less cheese
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... but is it as good as Baseketball?
No. It isn't.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment