Christian Dating 101 (1079 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.36 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jean (View user info) at 2005-09-21 15:13:54 EDT
I full-on stole these from a pseudo-site that I can't remember the name of. It seemed in theme with Vengance's babblings earlier today.
If you have grown up in a Christian home that believes in the Holy Bible, then most certainly, you have limited yourself to chaperoned dating until the age of 21. If you are truly saved, it is not until your 21st birthday, that the thought of dating someone without adult supervision would even enter your mind.
These tips are for Christian men, age 21 or older. If you are truly saved, you are looking for a woman who will serve you and who loves the Lord as much as you do. You are looking for a woman who has kept herself pure for her future husband and for the Lord Jesus Christ. You are looking for a woman who knows how to cook and sew, a woman who can keep house. You are looking for a woman who will not squander your income or lean toward gossip. You are looking for a woman who will submit and obey, for there is no other way for a marriage to honor God without following the strict Biblical principles that God has laid out for us in the Bible.
If you have found such a creature and she is not bobbed of hair, nor wont for excess in make-up or lewd attire, then you must prepare yourself for a first date. Here are a few tips to get you prepared for your first date.
GODLY SECRETS TO DATING SUCCESS
1. COMB YOUR HAIR
Head lice are very common among Christian men, especially Pentecostals. Although it is a normal and natural blessing from God to have head lice, you should certainly wash your hair before your date if only for the reason to avoid the temptation of putting your arm around the young lady while lifting to scratch your head.
2. PRAY
Spend the day before your date with at least 6-hours of solitary prayer in a prayer-closet or a confined area. Ask the Lord to guide your words and actions. Ask Jesus to help you control your lust and pray that you will have a nightly emission before the date, thus making it easier for your carnal mind to operate on a level that is strictly spiritual. Do not masturbate in your prayer-closet unless you are thinking about Jesus. Click here for more detailed spiritual guidance on masturbation.
3. PURCHASE A RING
Visit a jewelry store and purchase a diamond ring. For the Christian man, every date is a potential mate. If she is the right gal, you will want to pop the question as soon as possible. It is always handy to have the engagement ring available.
4. RECITE VERSES
When you are on the date, use awkward moments of silence to quote scripture, or sing a favorite hymn. All women are impressed with such things. If she is not woo'd by this, it is a sign that she might be possessed by a demon. Take her to your church and drop her off by the back gate with a note to the pastor taped to her forehead. Be sure to secure her to a tree or post using chains or rope so that she won't get away during the night.
5. SPRUCE UP!
Wear Christian cologne. The only Christian cologne available is "Betty Bowers' The Essence Of Christian Men." If you do not have any Christian cologne, rub your face in a Bible until you smell like the pages.
6. TAKE HER TO VISIT GOD
The best place for a first date is church. Oh, how impressed your sweetheart will be when she finds out you are taking her to Sunday evening services! Then, a romantic dinner at Denny's!
7. GRILL HER FAITH
Use the time at the restaurant to find out if your sweetheart is really saved. Question her salvation at least 15 times. Make sure she knows the exact day and hour (and preferably the exact minute) she met Jesus.
8. KEEP THE PASSION SUPPRESSED
If the bandage work on your penis fails in the slightest bit, excuse yourself for the men's room and re-adjust the harnessing.
9. PRACTICE YOUR LINES
Some Christian phrases that will help you "woo" the lesser sex are, "I'm almost as crazy about you as I am about Jesus," "Your long hair is the glory of your humility (I Corinthians 11: 11-15)," and "God broke the mold when he made your sweet face."
10. SQUELCH YOUR PASSION
If you have not had a nightly emission before your date, make certain that you take extra precaution. Use an ace bandage or knitting yarn to tie your penis back against your stomach or underneath your hiney. If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.
11. AVOID TOUCHING!
Make certain that there is no personal contact (PC) on this first date. Even if she has said "yes" to marriage, it is highly recommended that you refrain from even holding hands for at least two years until the courtship is over and you are whisked away on your honeymoon!
Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-07-14 16:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COMOUNTAIN is dead
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-24 15:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD IS DEAD
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you are truly saved, you are looking for a woman who will serve you"
I'm looking for that!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-22 08:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-22 05:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck that`s some rough shit
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-21 20:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for this post as i have now realised my problem, i have been dating women possesed by demons.
Submitted by chemokenny (user info) at 2005-09-21 17:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:55:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Christian Bashing is auto +2
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any organized religion bashing gets a +2 in my book
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christian Bashing is auto +2
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, fuck it. +2 for the filename.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you tuck instead of tie, make sure that the tip of your penis does not curl back far enough to enter the hole in your hiney where you go poopy out of - otherwise you might accidentally sodomize yourself and inadvertently become a homosexual.
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I have never seen this before.
I got the sarcasm.
That line up there made me choke on the oj I was drinking.
+2 for trying to kill me.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
mediocre cut and paste?
auto -2
that being said...
even if this post was funny, it wouldn't really have any appeal to me.
i was raised as a conservative baptist. i know these rules and restrictions very well. this is nothing new to me.
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this post makes fun of their way of life, mocks the standards that millions base their lives upon, and degrades the fundamentals of their faith. yet, the second that someone would criticize you for sleeping with someone before you are married to him/her, you would react with something like... "You right-wing mother fucker! how dare you judge me! this is my life and my lifestyle!" (or something to that effect)
i'm in favor of a balanced medium of the two views, but then again, that's my opinion.
if you're gonna make fun of something, include some humor and/or educated remarks in the post. also, don't blatantly ass-rape the content off of some 3 year old website that was midly funny then and is still only mildly funny now.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No contests. I'm a sore loser.
Or just a loser.
Depends really.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:45:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
My IQ is 136. Whats yours?
Can you count that high?
1---3---6
--------------------------
Uber Pissing contest...
GO!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-21 16:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:18:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Carol Richards and I approve this message.
old and cut and paste = -2
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No its not..well it was when I was 14. Havn't bothered to
check recently.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My IQ is 136. Whats yours?
Can you count that high?
1---3---6
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that is pure horse shit.
I used to go to church twice or three times a week, I was a solid christian, my parents are believers, and I dated a girl who was a christian from the time she was three and she still is, loving God all the time. When we were dating, there were times when the parents let us go out, alone none-the-less. We had our first kiss in her house, and her parents knew all about it. It was cute. We reached the point where we were in love, and it was pure bliss. Then, the time came where she knew that she couldn't be with me forever, and she broke it off.
Even with that as experience, I think the view held by that last post are ridiculous.
Now, I have been to church twice in the last year, I smoke drugs, I drink, and I have sex. I have fun. She is married to some guy, they got hitched at 19. I think that was a mistake. She will never know what it is like to be drunk, high, or to have a night of sloppy drunken sex. I feel pity for her more than anything.
But that is just me.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck off. I was also joking ass muncher!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cut and paste.
No link.
Webpage I heard about three years ago.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:24:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God I'm not Christian.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's it, I'm converting to Judaism.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bashing Christians is like shooting fish in a barrel, AND this was lifted from somewhere else. Both of those factors should have given you a -2, but it was mildly entertaining, so . . .
Now, go with God and sin no more.
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:19:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a joke right?
God I hope so, no pun intended.
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Yes. I thought that much was 100% obvious to intelligent people. Looks like I overestimated the IQ of most of Uber.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because then i went to the site and it cracked me up.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God I'm not Christian.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not really a fan of the copy-and-paste posts but here's a neutral rating for the quote at the bottom of the original document.
"Follow these dating tips for Christian men and you are sure to find a life partner that is suitable, submissive, and steadfast."
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jebus called he wants his sermon back!
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a joke right?
God I hope so, no pun intended.
Submitted by EmoJean (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
because it's funny. I found the link to the site: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0701/dating.html
go have a look.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am Carol Richards and I approve this message.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-21 15:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Why is this in the humor category?