Hitching (1459 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: crap:fiction
Rating: 1.91 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-22 11:57:41 EDT
The problem with hitch-hiking on country roads is the high beam lights. Trucks tend to be the only vehicles moving on those long, empty stretches of the road - all that lives in the perfect darkness of those nights.
Do you know what dark is? Not the darkness of your house at night, broken by the fitful green flash of your digital clock as you turn up the brightness to check the time and wonder why you're not asleep yet and, more importantly, what that sound was. And it's not the dark of night on the street outside your door - even if it's not broken up and muted by streetlights you have the comfort of that yellow glow behind the closed curtains of your neighbours.
Dark is very hard to find. On a moonless night, get in your car and drive - out of your suburb and out of the city. Drive out past those small satellite towns that cluster around the edges of civilization and keep driving. Drive until you haven't seen a man-made light, apart from your own comforting headlights and the glow of the display panel, for, say, half an hour. Pull over. Turn off your lights and get out of the car.
Now listen. Above the tick of your cooling engine and below the sound of your footsteps, you'll hear things that aren't you scuttling, crashing, hunting, fucking, feeding, in the trees.
And it's dark, now, and if you aren't at least a little scared, a little tense, a little jumpy, then you're still sitting in your house and reading. And if you're saying to yourself "Starlight can be very bright, you know, and it's never truly dark outside," then you do not know what I mean by dark. The dark is lonely.
So those bright, eye-watering headlights are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they signify a person - a person who, if you're lucky, wouldn't mind a little company on this road going through the lonely places. On the other, your dark adjusted eyes can't handle it right away. You have to turn your head away and squint, but not move, because you need to be in the path of that light so they'll see you. If you're hiding from cars, chickpea, you're not hitching. You're walking cross-country in the dark.
When the lights flick from high beam to low, they've seen you. And if you don't hear them start to gear down by the time five seconds have passed from that blessed lowering of the glare, you may as well turn around and start walking again, because they're not stopping for you, not tonight.
That gearing down has, on occasion, been the sweetest sound I've ever heard. When it's raining, and cold, and the watch that's keeping one small strip of skin on your wrist dry is telling you it's 2.35 am... then that sound can make you want to fall to your knees in the mud and thank god for sending this benevolent human being your way.
__________________
The truck stopped about 30 feet past her. She hiked the heavy backpack further onto her shoulder, settled it firmly, and ran through the mud, splashing and slipping. She almost stumbled when she reached the passenger door and slapped her hand against it to catch herself.
"You may want to put a towel on the seat" was the first thing she said when she opened the door. "I'm likely to make your truck wet."
The driver raised an eyebrow and smiled. "It's seen worse than you, shorty. Hop in."
She scraped most of the mud off her shoes against the edge of the doorframe before she swung her legs in and slammed the door shut. The bag thumped heavily to the floor at her feet and she sighed gratefully. "Wet out there."
"Yup."
The truck was in gear, and rolling. She settled back and put the seatbelt on.
__________________
"So, where are you headed?"
"North a ways."
"Any particular place in mind, or are you just, you know, waiting to see what catches your eye?"
She offered him a rueful half smile and the thermos of coffee she pulled out of her bag. "Something like that."
He drank a cup of coffee without saying anything for a while.
__________________
"Darwin, right? Young thing like you, flying north for the summer. You got family up there?"
"Not Darwin. Not as far as Darwin. I don't even know the name of it. But I know which way it is, and I'll know it when I see it."
He shifted in his seat. Her calm reticence made him uncomfortable, and intrigued him more than a little. She was like a chess game.
"Family there? Or are they behind you?"
"No family. There was a fire."
"Aaah. Sorry."
"Not your fault, dude."
__________________
They skirted Perth, took the road through Armadale and found North again on the other side. The road took on that earthy sameness that was the hallmark of the Western state.
"What's that?"
"Moore River national park."
"....We're getting there. What's west of here?"
"Yanchep."
"Yeah. We're getting there."
_________
He kept throwing her sideway glances as she flicked through the map book. She could feel his eyes on her, curious and patient. She looked up and met his eyes.
"What?"
"I was just thinking - that's not much good to you if you don't know where you're going."
"I know exactly where I'm going. I just don't know what it's called."
Damn, she sounded like his daughter. Same waspish edge to her voice; the same lost little-girl fear under it. About the same age, too, and his girl was fifteen and damned if he knew what a child that age was doing riding her thumb over half the state, but it wasn't his place to ask. His place was to see her safe as far as he could.
He waited. He knew how to wait.
She sighed, a low defeated little susurration of air. "We used to take holidays there when I was a kid."
'You still are a kid' was on the tip of his tongue, but he bit it back.
"And, you know, we were happy there. It was the best time I ever had. And there was a fire like I said and they're gone, and I... I want to go back. And remember them at their best."
It was the most words she'd spoken at once since he'd met her, and he was stunned into silence.
___________
They drove North. She slept. He kept watch.
___________
She sat a little higher in her seat and looked at the roadhouse up ahead. "Where is this?"
"Eneabba."
"This is where I get out."
He was silent as he pulled into the roadhouse, silent as he went into the greasy little diner with her. Silent as they ordered. He didn't trust himself to speak until they were eating.
"Which way are you heading now, Pixie?"
She looked up from her sandwich - she gorged herself like she was starving, he realized with dull wonder - how long had it been since she ate? - and replied with her mouth full. "West."
"I'll take you."
"But you're going north."
He gave her the same look he gave his daughter when she was being obtuse. "I'll take you."
She nodded, chastened.
__________
West now, toward the coast, and she was buzzing like a tuning fork, thrumming with some unimaginable tension.
__________
The ocean rolled in forever, lapping at the sand, and she knelt at the water's edge and sobbed. He went back to the truck to give her some privacy. He felt that watching her grieve was akin to seeing her naked, and although the idea had a nasty little thrilling edge to it, he couldn't do either. He listened to Creedence in the truck and watched her, small and broken in the distance, screaming her heart out while the sea gently washed in, and washed out. No dramatic crashing surf here, not for her.
__________
When he finally approached her she was silent and crumpled, and the pill bottle rolled out of her hand when he shook her arm.
He looked at her for a long time.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-19 05:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fading_suns (user info) at 2006-03-23 20:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Spuds002 and ferret, the ending is a problem. The story is awesome and doesn't need the girl killing herself at all. The death has less emotional impact than the image of the trucker looking at the girl by the water as she grieves. THAT image is the peak of the story. I'd end it right there. No follow up, no tidy conclusion, no credits rolling at the end of the movie. Damn fine work!
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-23 20:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ferret (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good. I'm no English Lit. teacher, but the ending wasn't much of an ending. You could add a little more depth to your story by adding a point. Like I said; what do I know?
One of its better points was the fact that it was skillfully descriptive.
I think if you added a more defined point and developed your characters a little more, you'd have a good short story.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
It is all written... so peacefully...
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-03-23 19:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh this is just fucking great.
The best piece of writing you've done, and I missed it completely.
FUCKME
God I loved this.
Labelled.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2006-02-11 00:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by captainnico (user info) at 2005-10-11 04:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am born anew in your genius. You make Ghandi look like a child pornographer.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-10-02 08:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good storie Lynn...
yes I'm back, at long last...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-26 19:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful. ANd that is an understatement
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-23 00:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That is one strange highway
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-22 23:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dahling, I think I love you.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-22 22:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-09-22 18:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit that made me cry
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-09-22 17:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmm... Interesting. Could have been better, but... +1 for you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-22 17:28:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88(user info) at 2005-09-22 13:22:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Since we go from the trucker watching her while listening to CCR to him discovering her dead, I got the impression that he mostly knew what was happening. In that, the (as percieved by me) allowed suicide makes me wonder more about the trucker than the dead chick.
______
apollo!!
IT'S apollo!!!
Hi apollo! I love it when you read my stuff. You always get it so perfectly.
Where have you BEEN, beautiful? I've missed your perfect wonderfulness. """"
Jeez, 4 days in london and you throw yourself at me.
Have some decorum woman.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-22 16:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-22 16:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
freaky...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-22 16:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grrrrrr! Every time I read something like this, it just makes me want to hit delete on all the material that I have stored in my computer. Excellent work!!!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-22 15:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed reading this. It was descriptive and all, but there wasn't much 'story' there. It seems to be missing something...like some deeper connection between the driver and the girl, or just a deeper insight in general. Maybe I just wanted him to do her in the pooper, I don't know...
*kidding*
Also, I wasn't crazy about the narrator shift. Not that I'm averse to experimentation, I just didn't think it added anything. You had me ready to go one direction, kinda slipping off into the deep, dark, animalistic woods, and you picked me up with a truck and took me somewhere the name of which I wasn't sure.
I think you should try more symmetry in your writing...you know...the kind where every end is tied together some manner. I know you might not know what I mean, so let me put it this way...if you were chosen to create a piece of writing that NASA was going to put in a space capsule to be representative of mankind's language and story-telling abilities with some universally-understood theme, what would you write? How would you make it perfect enough so that an alien race would have an amazing first impression of us and its power would be unmistakable?
I'm not saying by any means that this was bad, but you've done better.
That said, don't you dare ever stop writing. You're going to be taught in schools someday. Mark my words.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-09-22 14:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you know. Your marriage to that Dutchman just destroyed me and I have been attempting to cope with the fallout. *sob*
My husband says "hi to the uberboobie girl".
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-09-22 14:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
it wsa good, but the ending kinda ruined it for me.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:22:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Since we go from the trucker watching her while listening to CCR to him discovering her dead, I got the impression that he mostly knew what was happening. In that, the (as percieved by me) allowed suicide makes me wonder more about the trucker than the dead chick.
______
ASH!!
IT'S ASH!!!
Hi Ash! I love it when you read my stuff. You always get it so perfectly.
Where have you BEEN, beautiful? I've missed your perfect wonderfulness.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since we go from the trucker watching her while listening to CCR to him discovering her dead, I got the impression that he mostly knew what was happening. In that, the (as percieved by me) allowed suicide makes me wonder more about the trucker than the dead chick.
Whatever Ash.
I love the way you set the mood of this one.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
iddy - I used to hitch all over the damned state, too. And the ending might have been the easy way out, but it sincerely felt like the only thing that could possibly happen as i was typing it in my slow, two fingered, frequent-cigarette-breaking way.
And I hardly ever kill anyone, so, you know, go blow a goat.
Dear.
Submitted by yeahthatme (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:14:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:41:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
All I can say is 'Damn!'
-----------------------------
My thought exactly. Actually, it was more like.....daaaaaaaaamn.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-09-22 13:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
its nice to see you writing about other material than your kids (as lovely and interesting as they genuinely are - its just sometimes too much of the one thing can be stifling). going for death was weak, and you could do better than that. someone else mentioned this earlier, but im gonna go at it again. death is overused, and if youre going to use it, i really think it should be in a novel way, not just to create some poignant mood or satsifyingly easy ending. the brief bond between the girl and the driver could have been a much more interesting direction to take for your denoement, rather than angst and death.
funny thing is, i could tell a story (not mine) kinda similar to this in a way, and itd be a true one. my mother did that for real: hitched to darwin, but her journey was a happy one. one day i might get around to getting a few more of the details out of her, see what can be done with it. she had some real, keroac-like adventures.
then she had me. cest la vie.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love youuuuuuu!!!!
ON a completely unrelated note, I just shot some gatorade up my nose by accident. It burned and dripped on my white shirt, and I have 5 hours before I'm home and can wash it, so it'll stain. *sigh*
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All I can say is 'Damn!'
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamn internet.
that was supposed to be a link to the 2005 short story and writer's market.
go to amazon and do a search.
that's how i got my paltry (in comparison) to this piece published. if my sorry ass can do it, you will have no problem.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/002-2152852-3440038
go here.
click on first item.
follow instructions.
repeat as necessary.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Game.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... Didn't mean to sound so harsh there.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course not. It is obviously my fault for having been stupid enough to read so many shitty posts that ALL END THE SAME FUCKING WAY that when I actually read a good take on it I still find myself sighing: 'how very predictable'.
I thought the writing was beuatiful but the story was meh.
Or maybe I'm just a cunt.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No way I'm the first:
WTF I"M NOT RAEDING ALL THAT!!??!!133t
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
write more
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You amaze me with your talent.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
definitely one of your best i've read.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply beautiful.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, don't do that! I'm already sad tonight.
But good writing. Very good.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam - I know, but I don't write that many of them. Please don't punish me for the easy-ending behavior of others.
*weeps*
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
although, I am begining to find posts that end in either death or suicide a touch boring nowadays.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
talk about a tonal shift.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This, this is first-rate stuff.
I stopped in the middle of the night as I was crossing through the desert once, while driving across the country. It was dark; pitch-black dark. And it was awesome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have so much talent for humanising your charachters. Have you ever had work published? I'd love to read it if you have, reading an entire book with such powerful writing would be a very moving experience.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I like it when you reach back for that little bit extra that makes your best stuff just blow me away. I'll read it again and try for some constructive feedback, but for now you'll have to be content with 'Wow'.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-09-22 12:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, this is some of the best work I've read from you.
Very well done.