High School Football Is All I Have (1214 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.72 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-09-23 10:41:50 EDT
It's that time of year again. High School Football is back in full swing. And I like the look of our North Royalton Purple Raiders this year.
We are coming off a deplorable 5-and-5 season and I put the blame squarely on last year's "Coach", John Gillen. To this day I have no idea how he even managed to get five wins, what with his head shoved entirely up his ass. Gillen had this ridiculous, "everyone gets to play" strategy that crippled us throughout the season. It's a nice sentiment and all, but let's be realistic. Some of these kids are just weak, valueless sideline gawkers. And they should be brushed aside to make way for the stronger, better people in the same manner that they will be throughout their lives. Gillen just didn't understand that.
Some people were upset when I organized the effort to have the seventy-year old man removed from his coaching position, but we'll see if I'm still a "meddlesome asshole" when we take Division III State this year.
I like this new coach. Coach Rhodes. He brought back the summer three-a-day practices that Coach Gillen got rid of. And that's what you've gotta do to compete. After all, why should these teenage boys spend their summers with their family and friends, creating memories and experiencing fulfilling and healthy youths, when they can be out in the sun all day running ladders and pushing sleds?
As you might have guessed, I played a little Raider ball back in my day. Defensive back. Led the team in tackles six games my senior year. Probably would have played college ball too if I hadn't knocked up Sue when I was eighteen. My promising football career was cut short by the birth of my faggot son Bill Swayze, Jr.
I have long since given up on trying to get Bill Jr. to play football. I sometimes believe that he has made it his mission in life to disappoint me in every manner that he possibly can. Bill Jr. plays soccer. I have told him on several occasions that my primary regret in life was granting him the use of my now-tarnished name. Early on in his high school career, after much verbal and physical "encouragement", Bill Jr. offered to try to make the football team as a punter. I told him that I'd rather just not have him play at all.
But I don't want to think about that right now. I'd rather concentrate on this year's State-bound Raiders.
Take our quarterback, Chris Pirigyi, for example. Now there is a thoroughbred. 6'1, 185 lbs. The kid is made out of granite. And what a cannon. Now there's a son a father could be proud of. I actually checked his birth records to see if there was any chance that he was born the same day as Bill Jr. I thought there was an outside chance there might have been a mix-up at the hospital. But Chris was born in October, so that theory's out. I really thought we had the same eyes too.
I'm a little worried about our cornerback situation this year. We've got this sophomore, Dave Heltzel, who's got a lot of heart, but at 5'4, 123 lbs, I've got to be a little concerned about his size. I made the off-handed remark to Coach Rhodes that while steroid use might be a hot-button issue at the professional level right now, as far as I know, they are not currently testing high school players. He got all steamed and told me that was an "outrageous" idea. But I still say that sometimes you have to get your hands a little dirty if you want to take it to the next level.
Recently, I've been scouting the practices of every high school team in the area. It's pretty obvious that Garrettsville is going to be a pushover again this year, but I'm not liking what I'm seeing over at the Broadview Heights playing field. It got awfully "dark" over there since last year, if you get my drift. And you know what that means; speed.
This could be a legitimate problem, since the best kid in our secondary, Corey Raider, got grounded by his father when he caught him drinking and driving this summer. Says he can't play ball this year. So I went over to the Raider house to try to talk some sense into Tom Raider, whom I do not know.
I told him that when we were kids we all had our fair share of monkey shines, and that while punishing Corey is one thing, by not letting him play football he was actually punishing the Purple Raiders fan base as a whole.
Tom, who apparently lacks both parenting skills and school spirit, told me to get the hell off his porch before he called the authorities.
God, that Chris Pirigyi is a stud. He could probably throw the ball two hundred yards if he were so inclined. I wish to Christ he'd knock up my daughter. Imagine that offspring. The kid would get my genetic football smarts and Chris Pirigyi's Adonis-like body. The Colts would probably sign him out of preschool.
But no. My daughter has to date a band geek. Plays drums or some shit. Just my luck. That little fucker eats on the porch when he comes over here for dinner, I'll tell ya that much.
Some people might consider it sad that my overall happiness revolves around the physical accomplishments of a group of teenage boys. Most of these kids can't even vote, but they are directly responsible for determining my mental well-being and whether or not my wife and queer son get physically abused each Friday night throughout the autumn. But I think that's a bunch of beans. We all have to hang our hat on something.
Think I'll head over to the Brunswick High field to see how they're shaping up this year. Heard they've got a nose tackle the size of a house. That I've gotta see.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-26 15:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-09-23 19:53:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonny you have to be fucking kidding me.
This is obviously a joke directed at people who take that shit way too seriously.
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yes, and it was a boring and unfunny joke.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-09-23 19:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonny you have to be fucking kidding me.
This is obviously a joke directed at people who take that shit way too seriously.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-23 19:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:04:04 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:02:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:56:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
I read Chris Evans' posts
I rated Chris Evans' posts
and you sir, are no Chris Evans...
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That's probably because Chris Evan's didn't write this.
Fuck-o.
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Thanks a lot you fucking prick.
Do better research next time.
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no shit, n00b, my point was, he wrote the same shit you did, only he did a much better job of it.
Now go back to jerking off over the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog.
Submitted by glasscock (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:56:28 (#)
Ranking: -2
I read Chris Evans' posts
I rated Chris Evans' posts
and you sir, are no Chris Evans...
--------
That's probably because Chris Evan's didn't write this.
Fuck-o.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read Chris Evans' posts
I rated Chris Evans' posts
and you sir, are no Chris Evans...
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah well, it's good to see some familiar things in an ubersite post.
actually, it's a little creepy.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeaneee- Yes, its me.
Nitty- I didn't know you had just posted. Or I would have waited.
Sass- Not anymore
Dan- Yes, but hockey was better. For me at least.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reads like something out of the onion. but funnier.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd go for b.at.w. as well. this is quality.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was some good stuff Mike.
Funny shit.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only reason to go to a high school game is to check out the high school girls
Lord am I sick
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:13:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Nitty,
Hows about yous send some of these here rater's my way?
Rate Whore
-----------------------------------------------------------
Thanks to one meddling kid I'm now lower than you. Happy?
You should know better than to post right after me, son. Have I taught you nothing?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
North Royalton?
Brunswick?
you a Cleveland man?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
High School football was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
It's been down hill ever since. :(
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I just looked at the site more closely and it IS you. Whew. Sorry about that. Now I feel like an ass.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://forum.zgeek.com/showthread.php?t=40998&highlight=raider+ball
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please tell me that you're Haggisboy on Zgeek.com. Because if you aren't, this is plagiarized.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44213
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahha you are the man! What is that, cheddar or pepper jack!??
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read this 12 times in a row, everytime it got funnier.
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Knibb High Football rules!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never understood the significance of high school football. Maybe its because I live in a hockey city.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nominated for B@W
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this might be the funniest thing I have ever read on Ubersite.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ledgendary.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is now one of my favorites.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
glad you're not my dad
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is a nose tackle?
Funny stuff. You rock.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was a high school hero
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retaliatory +2. I read it and liked it, too. But, I am still retaliating. God damned gay children.
Submitted by VengefulDaddy (user info) at 2005-09-23 10:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
+2 because I grew up in nearby Medina, home of the "Battling Bees."
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-09-23 10:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
San Demis High School Football rules!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-23 10:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha
I live in PA, and people are like that here too.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-09-23 10:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm getting fucked up tonight. Yep.
I'm goin to jail!
I love Tweeder.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75746
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-09-23 10:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike,
If i didn't know you were taking the piss with this I'd be very concerned.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 10:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now before anybody asks, I used to live near Cleveland OH for a while and still have a few pals over there. This was for them.