The Pornographic Language of the Oil and Gas Industry (78220 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.89 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by _Q_ (View user info) at 2005-09-23 11:07:17 EDT
So I've been on the job now for close to four months, handling 100% of the production engineering duties in a few medium sized gas fields and a waterflooded oil field or two. All in all, I look after about 5000 barrels of oil equivalent per day (BOE/D) worth of production... so I'm responsible for about $400,000 every day I fart my way into the office. That comes out to about 146 million in a year at these commodity prices. Of course that is not pure profit, but it's cashflow... and cashflow is king when you work for an energy trust. No pressure, no pressure. May I remind you that I graduated THIS FUCKING YEAR!?
Jeez, give a guy a chance to settle in for crissakes.
So basically, when any of my wells stop producing, it is my job to get them back on production. Lost production means lost money, right? The times when things are going smooth (which apparently is never and always at the same time) are used to search out for ways to optimize things further, handle government shit, schedule maintenance work, look for new drilling locations, the list goes on forever.
Because of all of this, its pretty safe to say that I encounter quite a few "new" things in my job on a daily basis. It is demanded of me to keep up with the lastest research, newest technologies, courses and training for professional development, etc all the while still learning about the bread and butter basics that a newbie such as myself still is not familiar with. It's great telling a field hand who's done the job for his entire conscious life how to do things when you're a fresh out of school retard like me. I've come to see that the learning curve is steep my friends, indeed, but my mind is as sharp as a mountain goat's cloven hooves, and is the perfect tool for scaling that rocky curve and slicing the shit out of the yogi at the top who is waiting to tell me that the meaning of life is the journey and not the destination. FUCK YOU ASSFACE, MY DESTINATION WILL BE THE MEANING OF YOUR DEATH, YOU YOGI BASTARD!!
Note to the gentle reader: Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of stress and ADD. However, it is okay to tell OTHER people how to operate that machinery, apparently...
In my adventures climbing said learning curve I've discovered that there is a VAST conspiracy in the oil and gas industry. I don't know if it's the high stress, high risk, high reward atmosphere, the 'old boy' mentality of most executives, or what it is, but the fact remains that the evidence is everywhere.
The oil and gas industry is overrun by a bunch of mind-in-the-gutter, pre-pubescent schoolboys. Here are some of the best examples I've come across so far that have either made me blush, giggle, or wonder "SERIOUSLY?" inside my head as I heard them being used in regular shop-talk type conversation.
Blowout - This is when a wellbore loses control and spews forth uncontrollably with it's high pressure liquid contents. Nope, nothing along the lines of innuendo here.
Toolpush - I thought this was a great insult when I first heard it, but it's actually a guy who works on the rigs, watching satellite TV in the control room with the rig supervisor.
Stuffing Box - Holds the rods of a pumpjack on the surface. It's still added to the list of things that make me think of vaginas. That list is now 7 Billion and one.
POOH - Describes the residue left on equipment after a job known as 'The Dirty Sanchez'. Either that or it is an acronym that stands for "Pull Out Of the Hole". Not an entirely pure phrase in itself. Now it's 7 Billion and two.
Nipple - describes a few things. It can be a place to rest a pump on in a tubing string, or is a point of lubrication for a sealed joint. It wasn't awkward at all having this explained to me by a more senior, and more pregnant, female co-worker.
Stopcock - Not a fat friend dragged out to the bar, but a device used to temporarily hold back pressure on a well. The act of using the stopcock is cleverly known as stopcocking, which now is an activity I can say that I have both done and had done to me. Sure it's in different contexts, but who's really keeping that close of a score?
TSTM - Acronym for "Too Small To Measure". Referring to gas rates, of course.
Dognut - I still don't know where the fuck this phrase came from. It has something to do with hanging a tubing string in a well, but every time I hear it I think of that damn bulldog from Van Wilder with the enormously swollen balls.
There's more but this post is long enough as it is, and is not as funny as I thought it would be, so I'll leave you with a cool story. Just think of shit like this the next time you hear about rising gas prices so you can understand what kind of tomfoolery your money is going towards.
~Q~
A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you'll see the dogs in the background watching). Very, very bad decision...
The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs. With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion. That's when all hell broke loose... for the lion.
As the lion approached the dogs the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat. The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, than whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (that were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride... as if nothing had just happened.
Fortunately even though the hunter didn't get off a shot, his wife got off these 4...
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q is my hero
Submitted by Gargamel (user info) at 2006-08-11 22:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need more ubersite articles like this!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88572
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2006-05-10 09:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tony, I would never buy anything from you. Especially if it has to do with a piece of equipment as important as a BOP.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-03-30 19:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow fat tony. just wow.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-03-26 23:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I manufacture BOP Shafts for a famous company based out of Texas (Boots). Email me if you need Blow Out Prevention Shafts on the cheap: FatTonyUbersite.at.gmail.com
I also buy & sell used drilling equipment, mainly pipe handlers and threadders. I have MILES AND MILES of good used drilling pipe. All threadded ends chased and my company is bonded for your downtime.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-12-16 04:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet post. Sweet pictures. Sadly, I'm three months in the late.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-12-08 01:52:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-06 12:00:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
How the fuck did THIS piece of pretty much, mundane shit, get 40,000 hits?
And can I do that too?
--
No.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-11-06 12:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How the fuck did THIS piece of pretty much, mundane shit, get 40,000 hits?
And can I do that too?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-11-06 11:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I not rate this? I mean to. Er ya go...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-11-05 09:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was linked to on hamcheez.com, and consequentially a few other sites.
Thats where all the hits come from, it was the pics that did it.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-05 09:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
here kitty kitty
come here dead cat
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-11-05 09:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love that mule. I didn't know they could do that.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-11-05 06:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooh, violence against kitties. Watch out, Jack is going to get ultra religious on your ass.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-11-04 16:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 13:33:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
41000 hits.
Must be the catchy title!
Love you _Q_
=====================
I often search for "Oil industry porn."
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-11-02 13:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
41000 hits.
Must be the catchy title!
Love you _Q_
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-10-28 17:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA
Have another hit
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-24 10:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-10-11 01:20:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
25,000+ hits in 18 days?!
Woah nelly!
--
Yeah dude, I hear ya. It's at 38000 in a month now. Crazy shit.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-10-23 02:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That mule should fight crime
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-10-15 02:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you marry me?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-10-11 01:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
25,000+ hits in 18 days?!
Woah nelly!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-09 18:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh huh
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lion gets pwned
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-04 19:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOOO!!!
Can it be..?
Q... finally made it onto B@W!?
I suppose my puce velvet jacket and membership card to the jam of the month club will be arriving in the mail shortly then, bart?
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-02 17:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hurt911gen (user info) at 2005-10-02 15:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Three words: WTF, and I love it.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-10-02 15:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That mule is teh roxxors.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-10-01 08:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"his wife got off..."
I'll bet she did. Congrats on B@W. Well-earned.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-09-30 17:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
George Bush doesn't care about mules.
Submitted by fitzie (user info) at 2005-09-30 08:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yes.
Submitted by Skippy (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That mule is a WMD!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu forgot my favorite term Donkey dick, but they normally only use that in open holed logging, not cased.
I am glad I am out of the oil business.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-26 16:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa! Call me Martha, and deal me in!
And the mule is awesome.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:31:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Depending on the unit you woulda made $3-5/sh. Considering the fluctuation in oil price, from all time high one day, to under $60 the next, Hold is the right call. Trust companies are always more exposed to commodity price, so if you believe we're about to see $100 oil, this would be a good time to buy--personally, I see oil at $55-60. Your company has a history of beating the street, and averages %12-15 ROI plus the monthly disbursments to unit holders. My play would be EnCana.
You should sneak me some proprietory info on your secondary and tertiary extraction numbers--also, do you know how you'll be reporting reserves next year?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you and this mule rock
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-25 22:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. That mule is bad ass.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-23 19:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh, try being a geologist....dykes, cleavage, orogenies....
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-09-23 18:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit... I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it...
Submitted by Boon (user info) at 2005-09-23 18:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a mule that awesome.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-23 17:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is a prime example why I am still visiting ubersite 2.5 years after I first got here.
That and, Q rocks my socks!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-23 16:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again Q, you impress me. There is another term that I like, and that is hoop stress. You got lots of fucking oil. I only design pipeline and deal with any and all problems that arise from buying, shipping, building, designing, and fabricating everything. Then there is the government regulatory shite. It is good though.
I am also lucky enough to know that school is bullshit and the real learning only started a few months ago. I have learned so much already, and I keep on learning more.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Depending on the unit you woulda made $3-5/sh. Considering the fluctuation in oil price, from all time high one day, to under $60 the next, Hold is the right call. Trust companies are always more exposed to commodity price, so if you believe we're about to see $100 oil, this would be a good time to buy--personally, I see oil at $55-60. Your company has a history of beating the street, and averages %12-15 ROI plus the monthly disbursments to unit holders. My play would be EnCana.
You should sneak me some proprietory info on your secondary and tertiary extraction numbers--also, do you know how you'll be reporting reserves next year?
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2005-09-23 15:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know what the string of +2's was all about until the mule pictures. Bad ass, indeed.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Re: mule...if i didn't see it, i wouldn't believe it.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the phrase "pumpjack" makes me cry emo tears.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-23 14:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for realizing that you don't know it all right out of college.
It seems most of the assholes here that are my age are intentionally trying
to piss the long term employees off by spouting theory instead of practice.
It takes time to make the change from knowledge to education and preppy ass punk kids (read:
people mine and your age) don't seem to realize that. They think that because they went to a
"good school" it means that you know what the fuck your actually doing!!
That happens a lot in the electrical world though so I'll stop bitching.
You kick ass Q!
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PGF on the NYSE
You told me it was a hold just around the same time I started working there.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the company ticker symbol?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin bosh man!!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/44213
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Probably even real, too.
http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/mulelion.asp
Looks like Loki missed out again.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is the baddest ass in the history of badasses.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try Geology for crude phrases:
Cleavage: The direction a mineral will fracture along certain planes.
Bedding: Layering of sedimentary rock.
Thrusting: An instance where rock has moved about a fault line, causing the bedding planes to be misaligned.
Dyke: A situation where molten igneous material is forced through upper layers of rock disconcordant with the bedding plain, usually through a fault.
Daughter product: An isotope left by nuclear decay.
Bed: A layer of sediment, or sedimentary rock.
The list goes on...
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that mule is lucky not to be in africa
not just real lions, but also tigers to deal with
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My car runs on sunshine and hamster wheels.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dognut- a cylindrical pastry with a central os that is deep fried, covered in sucrose syrup, and consumed in large quantity by law enforcement personnel.
Excellent pics.
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, that's some crazy shit.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great pictures Q. Nice post as well.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How could you forget the multiple uses of the word "head" to measure pressure (friction, velocity, etc)
Submitted by Neener (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those pics rock
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:19:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Just shy of B@W, man. Great post.
---
Story of my life.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just shy of B@W, man. Great post.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome pictures
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:09:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Those pictures are fucking sweet.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot an obvious one: Pump.
As in: "Pay at the pump," or "Jim totally pumped Steve's wife the other night. I got it all on tape."
I'd also suggest Cock Diesel, since everyone knows that the 'cock' is silent at gas stations.
Stupid American English and its strange rules.
And I agree...those pictures are sah-weet.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck the oil stuff, that mule story was freaking awesome in 23 different ways.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also the bestiality Q.
Pig-launcher and slug-catcher for example.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-23 11:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those pictures are fucking sweet.