The Four (645 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.07 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Neekol <hostile.apostle.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-26 09:32:31 EDT
I'm not quite sure how this story will be received by you Uberites. It can't be any worse than the heat I got for my camwhore.
I'll be turning this in to my creative writing class next week, so if you have any constructive criticism to offer, please do.
There is a man, sitting on the corner of the busy street. He is there every day. It's obvious that he is homeless, but unlike most of the bums in the city, he carries no sign. There is a plastic cup with a few coins that sits at his feet, but other than that, he has nothing but the tattered, dirty clothes on his body. He never hassles people as they walk by, never begs for change. He simply sits, staring at the crowds of people as they walk by, smiling. He says his share of "God bless you!" and "Thank you" when people occaisionally drop a quarter or a few dimes into his cup, but most of the time he is silent. And he is always smiling.
He stumbles out of the dingy apartment, pulling up his dirty black bondage pants as he goes. His black hair is messy, and his fishnet shirt is on backwards, but he doesn't notice. There is yelling as he is being chased down the stairs, but he can't hear it. His mind is possessed by the boy: The taste of him, the smell of him, the way he smiles in the morning. A dopey smile is plastered across his face as he steps onto the sidewalk.
A small girl sits by the river, plucking petals from a white flower. The wind blows through her light blonde curls, and rustles the brilliant green grass that she sits on. Her big blue eyes follow a duck that floats gently by. There is yelling in the distance.
A young woman puts out her cigarette in the ashtray provided by the bar at which she sits. Her black eyes scan the manuscript that sits before her. She takes a sip of her vodka as she makes mental criticisms of the story that she herself wrote. Nobody notices her, nobody notices the tears that are perpetually running down her face. And nobody cares.
Happy sits on his corner, his toothy, ever present smile seems to be growing. Lust skids to a stop in front of him, where he stays to catch his breath. Innocence skips by and places a quarter in Happy's cup. And then Depression appears, and she walks by with her shoulders slumped, her black eyes to the ground. They watch her as she passes, but she ignores them all.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HA!
That would kill most sentient life on Ubersite.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-09-27 01:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-27 01:19:29 (#)
Ranking: 1
I just realized, you have 44 less posts than I do, but already have more than a third of the hits that I have.
I need to post a picture of myself in a bra, is what this tells me.
-----------
That'll kill The Butcher.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-27 01:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just realized, you have 44 less posts than I do, but already have more than a third of the hits that I have.
I need to post a picture of myself in a bra, is what this tells me.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-27 01:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Kaos is right, I did the same thing. Just switch the second and third paragraphs and that should solve your problem.
I agree that the style is too descriptive, not emotive enough. Like Pentameter said, sometimes flat description lends something to the story, but other times it's just rote and boring. It's okay to do, but you need to do it on purpose.
Though it makes a lot more sense with the assignment details you provided.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-26 16:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is for creative writing?
Did you forget the creative part?
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-26 16:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-26 15:46:40 (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to do something in the first sentence to distinguish Lust from Happy. First time I read this, I thought the bum was wearing bondage pants and fishnets...
Decent writing though.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-26 16:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JUMANJI!
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-26 16:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha I didn't notice that before. Thanks for pointing it out.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-26 15:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You need to do something in the first sentance to distinguish Lust from Happy. First time I read this, I thought the bum was wearing bondage pants and fishnets...
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-26 13:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SunGod,
Yeah I know what you mean, and people tell me that a lot. That's the main problem I have with writing fiction as opposed to writing non-fiction...I'm really good at stating facts and getting my point across quickly, but I'm bad at using flowing imagery and letting the reader's imagination form the picture in their mind. I guess that's why I'm a Journalism major instead of a Creative Writing major. It's something I've been trying to work on, though, so hopefully with the help of people like you who actually give me helpful criticism (instead of people who, in the words of shitfuck, just tell me "this sucked my balls") my fiction writing will improve.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, those folks down there are all saying what i'm thinking, just in a different way...
the only "problem" i've had with your writing is that you flat-out TELL us everything. try to convey information without just stating it and moving on.
example (though a poor one):
there is a girl sitting on the steps. she is playing with a barbie doll. her hair is red.
-VS-
there is a girl sitting on the steps, absorbed in her imaginary play-world. she runs a tiny toy comb through her doll's hair, red like hers.
again, this is a poor example, but i think you can maybe see what i mean. i LOVE your story ideas and you get them out pretty well, but the writing is just a little too straight-laced and choppy. you do continue to impress, though.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-26 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Agreed with everyone that said that it lacks emotion. As Pent pointed out, this could be cut down to much less than 350 words and be more flowing, and descriptive.
Also, be careful with your use of prepositions. You never know where this could be read AT.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-26 11:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not awesome, perhaps a tad bland. I couldn't do better though and i really enjoyed reading it. you're making a good name for yourself here you know.
Good work.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't end sentences with prepositions.
Instead of "the brilliant green grass that she sits on." write "the brilliant green grass upon which she sits."
Instead of "Her big blue eyes follow a duck that floats gently by." write "Her big blue eyes follow a duck that floats by gently."
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My degree from college is in writing. I was also a writing tutor for three years and taught a freshman level college writing class for a semester.
In January, I'm going to start working on my Master's in Creative Writing, so basically, yes, I have done this before and will be doing it for a living once I become a professor.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oops..
Thanks N - Will send it soon.
Shit Pentameter! - Do you do that for a living?
Like a Surgeon...
Clever bugger.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When Pentameter says 'flesh it out' I get a hard on.
Other than that, this sucked my balls.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Even though she thinks I don't like her, I know Pentameter ten times the writer that I am, so I would listen to her. Her "cut down" version of your opening paragraph really does help it flow and give it emotion while still remaining distant.
But if you need help photoshopping emus or something equally useless, I have her beat hands down.
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
missedthepoint,
Sure! I'd love to help you out.
Pent,
Thanks, I'll definitely keep that in mind when I rewrite this.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Example of how you can cut down:
Your first few sentences:
There is a man, sitting on the corner of the busy street. He is there every day. It's obvious that he is homeless, but unlike most of the bums in the city, he carries no sign. There is a plastic cup with a few coins that sits at his feet, but other than that, he has nothing but the tattered, dirty clothes on his body.
Those sentences rewritten:
Every day, a man in dirty, tattered clothes sits on the corner of a busy street. A plastic cup is set at his feet instead of a sign that so many other homeless people seem to have propped in front of them.
It cuts down a ton of words and is more descripive than yours, even though I used the same words you did. It's also not as stilted.
It CAN be done. It's going to take some work, though.
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's kinda flat?
I went back and read your "in the rain" again,
Know it didn't go over too well here but...
I really liked it then and even more this time,
it has some thing that this doesnt?
could i send you a bit of what i'm working with?
I'd love a second opinion.
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bob,
Don't be sorry. Any kind of criticism you have to offer is welcome, as I'll be turning this in for a grade. I plan on taking everyone's comments seriously when I write the final draft.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-09-26 10:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I read it again. You use the word "is" too much.
Sorry, you asked for a critique.
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pent,
The assignment for this story was to write about the four major aspects of your personality as if they were people. I was supposed to write as if I was just a casual observer and did not know any of the people.
I can see what you mean about there not being any emotion in it...but the problem is that it's supposed to be less than 350 words...and there's about 400 in my story. I can't think of a way to cut out 50 more words without losing what little thread of emotion is present.
Ugh, I don't know. This is why I hate creative writing classes.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This struck me as being too wooden for a piece about people. Make the people interesting. Complicate your sentences - the first paragraph reminded me of military orders, or instructions for programming a VCR.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was a good idea with a potential for great but I didn't feel anything about it...that is what it is missing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pentameter is a much better author than me, listen to her.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In spite of the unnecessary n00bness of that camwhore, your writing is really starting to grow on me. Something about this particular one didn't work for me though....I just can't put my finger on what.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
This is pretty trite and written in a condescending tone. There is absolutely no emotion in this piece whatsoever. Sometimes having no emotion in your writing is a good thing. In this case it is not.
In addition, most of your sentences follow a very simple structure. For example, most sentences begin with, "He did," "There is," etc.
Change it up and flesh it out. It has potential.
Submitted by Psycosis (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No constructive criticism. I just liked the way it read.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-26 09:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Start it on a song.
There is a man
*backing vocals* a certain man
etc...
You will then win.
Seriously though, your depiction of depression is unmoving and sterile, as is your depiction of lust.
Happiness is so so and innocence is alright.
I reccomend trying for something a little more emotive. Take the piss out of deppression by having a wealthy middle class emo kid or something. Make lust simple and real, literaly just describe your last experience of lust, chop a chunk off yourself and dollop it on the page.