I think so far outside the box, that I go against my better judgement! (730 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.89 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Manic Velocity (View user info) at 2005-09-26 12:06:07 EDT
If you've read my past Uber posts, you'll know that I'm not exactly fond of my current living quarters. This apartment building houses some of the dumbest, dirtiest people in this city. I'm convinced that I'm the only tenant with a high school diploma and a shred of dignity.
Word of the wise to the younger of the Uber readers: When it comes time to move out, you'll find that most, if not all, managers of apartment buildings will have some kind of charter for tenant behavior. Basically, it's a list of things tenants can and can't do while living on the premises. You'll also find that most of these rules fall in the realm of "common sense". But if you find a place that feels the need to specifically outline rules like "Hallways are not to be used as sleeping areas" or "Racist propaganda must not be outwardly displayed through windows", run. Run far far away. You can and will find a better place to live.
Yesterday started out like any normal day. The drunken rednecks yelling to eachother across the alley way, the motor-heads trying to see how loud they can get their engines in the back parking lot, the guy below me turning his stereo up with his 10 Marshall stacks hanging from his ceiling. Home, sweet home.
I had just started to read the day's news when I heard a knock at my door. I turned around to make sure the door was locked.
"Who is it?", I asked.
No response. Oh well, back to reading.
About ten minutes later, the knocking came back. I wasn't expecting anyone, but whoever this was, they were disturbing my Sunday afternoon. This isn't something I take lightly. In fact, I think it's a mortal sin. I'm pretty sure it's in the bible. I got up from my chair and walked over to the door.
"Who is it?", I asked louder.
"It'sssss Renee...", came a drunken female voice.
I know a Renee, I thought to myself. But this certainly was not her. The Renee I know is always sober. The Renee I know is black. The woman behind my door was obviously neither. Against my better judgement, I turned the bolt lock on my door and pulled the door open.
Standing in front of me was a woman in her late 40's to early 50's. She wore a gauzzy red shirt that didn't do a good job of hiding her unusually large nipples. White pants that may have well belonged to a 12 year old, high-heeled strappy shoes, and a purse the size of a bag of Skittles. Her skin was bright orange from fake tanning products. Her hair had been bleached so many times that it now resembled yellow fishing line. She reaked of vodka, and she held an unlit cigarette in her right hand.
"Hhhhhhhhhhi.", she said, looking at me longingly.
My birthday isn't for a few more months. And unless my friends were playing a cruel trick on me, they know that I have better taste in women than this.
"Uh, hi.", I said in an obviously annoyed voice.
She took a few steps back as she tried to regain her balance. Her eyes began to close and for a second I thought she was going to pass out. Part of me, well, all of me didn't care if she fell over. I can't stand being around drunks unless they're friends.
"Can I help you?", I asked, getting ready to close the door.
She hummed an unrecognizable tune, smiled slightly, and began walking towards me.
"I'm hhhhhhere for J.... J-Jeff. Isssss here?"
I closed the door further and stopped it with my foot. I began formulating a plan. If she somehow makes her way in, I'll go right for my sword. I'll make whore sushi for dinner.
"Um, I think you have the wrong apartment."
"Oh bullcrap. Whyyy you sssso cruel to me? I jussss wannnna dance for ya." She began trying to push the door open. In her drunken stupor, my 150 pounds must have seemed like 400 to her.
"No. Jeff doesn't live here. You've got the wrong place.", I said as calmly as possible. She was obviously becoming frustrated at her inability to push the door open.
She relented and stepped back. I watched her through the crack of the door, now only an inch or two wide. Again, she almost fell over. She hummed the same unrecognizable tune as before, and began waving at me.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmm... gotta go!", she said. She headed back down the hallway, towards the stairs, and out of sight. I closed my door and heaved a sigh of relief.
I turned on some music and began packing faster than I've ever packed in my life. I had a good record going of four boxes per hour. Everything I saw went into a box. I think I even packed some junk mail that I was meaning to throw away. Never before had I wanted to get out of there sooner.
Friday is my last day. I'm moving to an upscale apartment community, with covered parking, tennis courts, fireplaces, and a pool. I should have done this a year ago.
I'll be paying much closer attention to my conscience from now on.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-28 15:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUDE, YOU SHOULDA HIT THAT
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-26 15:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. But next time, just tell Jeff she's there for him. Cock-block!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-26 14:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do you live dude?
I am moving to Houston (from England) in june/July of next year, the company will pay a monthly rent of $2000, that should get me somewhere half decent no?
Um $2000 grand for an apartment would get you one hell of a nice place here (WI). Damn, I'm still obviously doing something wrong.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
good post.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So did you or did you not part the roast beef curtains?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
man...sometimes you just gotta dance!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know my mom was in your building this weekend.
If she comes back call me. I'll come get her.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear god
So you're saying you don't like to dance?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-26 12:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where do you live dude?
I am moving to Houston (from England) in june/July of next year, the company will pay a monthly rent of $2000, that should get me somewhere half decent no?