And there it is... (2077 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.6 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <uberaj.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-26 23:48:01 EDT
Ah, the joy of $1 you-call-its. Five dollars gets you in the door and another five will get you pleasantly tingly, depending of course on whatever it is that you're drinking. This is the haven to the poor college student, the social drinker, or the person just looking to get completely faced. My three roommates are the first, I'm the second, and a young woman named Shannon was the third. This is our story...
It was a Friday night. Much like any other Friday. Anticipation and excitement and relief thanks to the respite that the weekend would bring abounded. The only thing uncertain for the weekend was just exactly when we were going to go out and get toasted.
We decided to go out at about 10, leaving enough time to get there before it got too insanely crowded and enough time so that we would get suitably drunk before Last Call and think better of staying until the mass exodus from "The Hill." The Hill, or as I call it, "The Hole," is an assortment of businesses that cater to the needs of the UNI students. There are coffee and food places, as well as a few select bars. The Hill is only about three blocks from our apartment, so it's convenient. If it's atmosphere you're looking for, the Hill is not the place to get it; which is why we find ourselves walking the two and a half miles to the downtown area a good percentage of the time.
But downtown doesn't have loose cheap women (term used as loose as the aforementioned women themselves) or cheap drinks. You pay for the atmosphere. Clean, well-lighted place and all that shit that Hemingway would go nuts for. So the Hill it was.
My friends are all different types of drunks. There's Joe, the pint-size pint-boy. He gets drunk off a pint of anything. This usually leads to him randomly walking around to strange people and being an asshole. Some poor Asian kid couldn't figure out why Joe was trying to get him to say "500 dollar." There's Curt, the anti-social drunk, who wants nothing more than to be left on his own and brood when he drinks. He usually complains about being bored not too long into the night and follows the rest of us around. There's Drue, the "let's get sensibly shit-faced" drunk. Drue has good alcohol retention and doesn't go out too much.
Then there's me. I'm the drunk that combines with all the other drunks. I hold my liquor well, I like to cut loose, dance and sing, I can be an asshole, and sometimes I just like to sit around and get faced and mutter about all the loud music and smelly cunts around me. We're a fun group, let me tell you.
At about 11:30 PM, after I conned Joe into doing a massive tequila shot that the bartender gave us because we were tipping well, he started getting into great Joe form. Drue and I looked around for a minute for him and couldn't spot him anywhere, so we just kept on drinking. Then we felt a slight nudge from about waist-high. It was Joe.
"Heeeey... I found some girls that want to meet you."
Figuring that there was nothing better to do, Drue and I made our way over there. He started talking to one of the girls, and I started talking to the other. I met Shannon, a graduate student that's an accountant at Wal-Mart. She likes rum and coke and tequila, lives with one roommate in Waterloo, and was completely fucking hammered. She seemed like she was handling the tequila shots pretty well up until she started knocking drinks over. That was when she decided she wanted to go dancing.
Now, I'm not much of a dancer, but then again neither was this chick. I swear to God she wore a hole in the knee of my jeans with her crotch. All I could do was watch in bewilderment as she drunkenly swayed and grinded and crashed into random people and dropped her purse countless times. I decided it was time for me to get the hell out of Dodge.
I found two of my roommates and we started to make our way to the exit at Last Call. She exited not too long after us and started walking. I realized that there was no way that she was going to walk six miles back to her house, and remembered her saying that she drove to the bar, so going with my chivalric judgement I chased after her. What can I say, I'm a fucking gentleman and shit.
I convinced her that she was in no shape to drive (read: drag her drunken ass away from the parking lot) and told her that I would give her a ride back to her car in the morning when I left for work. We got back to the apartment without incident and along with Drue and Joe started watching TV.
She kept passing out on the couch intermittently, and I knew it was only a matter of time before something awful happened. I knew what felt like two minutes before it actually happened that she was going to puke. I slowly edged to the front of the couch with my fists and started to push myself up, but I just couldn't move fast enough to get up in time. With a gargle and a choke, I saw her vomit on our carpet. Vomit on our couch. Vomit on herself. The only thing I could think to say was, "And there it is..."
What followed was the equivalent of a drunken Chinese-fire-drill. Drue ran to get some water but broke a glass on the floor when trying to do so. I made a break for the trash can. Joe tried finding a dust pan to sweep up the glass and ended up resigning himself to sweeping it under the toe-space. Shannon kept puking.
After we got a proper puke receptacle in place, Joe retired to his room and Drue and I stayed up watching Adult Swim and making jokes and funny gestures about all the puke on our floor. I hear you audibly groaning, but rest assured she was passed out in her hands over the trash can and snoring, so she didn't catch any of that.
Eventually she found her way to the nearest bed and crashed out. The next morning she woke up as I was getting ready to leave for work I saw her.
"How are you feeling?"
"Not good."
"Do you need a ride back to your car?"
"No, I'll be fine."
"OK, then."
And there she went. As I drove to pick up a coworker, I passed her walking on the street. I wonder what she thought about. I thought about what she was most embarrassed by. Was it the crotch-rub dance? Was it the fact that she went home with three guys five years younger than her whose last names she didn't even know? Was it the fact that she ruined our couch? I don't know. But I'm fairly certain that the last words she remembers for the night, and probably will remember for some time are, "and there it is..."
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-02 12:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for got to rate th is
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-02-02 12:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good read.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-01 22:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was it the crotch-rub dance? Was it the fact that she went home with three guys five years younger than her whose last names she didn't even know? Was it the fact that she ruined our couch?
______________________
I tell you what, I would be DAMNED embarassed. This is probably because if I was in her situation, I would have been so drunk as to become gay; massaged my crotch into, and gone home with, three 13-year-old boys; and ruined their parent's furnature.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-09-28 04:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uberboard rating...I liked this.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-09-27 20:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pity rating
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:39:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
did she remember anything?
because you could fill in a few gaps for her
***
I think she wanted nothing more than to get out at that point. She had to go to work later that day too.
I wonder if she's going to be at Tony's this Friday. Maybe I can get her to comp me for steam-cleaning.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have took it out of her ass. What are you gay?
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-27 17:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Adult Swim kicks ass too---Aqua Teen Hunger Force rules!!!!!!
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, X, he was just the easiest to exploit when he did pass out.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the thought of you (all 8 feet tall of you) "dancing and singing"!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aj was the coolest kid to pass out at the campfire in MI
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhh drunken times are the best!!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did she remember anything?
because you could fill in a few gaps for her
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First of all, EVERYONE is pint-sized next to you. Except for maybe the other freakishly tall goony white boys on Uber *looks at Sassy*
Second of all, how are your band-aids?
Third, I bet you are the fun group. I've only experienced your drunkenness over the phone, but it DID cause me to pull a muscle in my ribcage fromlaughing at you. I demand your presence at my flat for Ubercon Austin in the spring.
Fourth, that girl is damned fucking lucky that she chose you to go home with. What kind of moron gets in a car with three strange men (emphasis on strange) while she's so drunk she can't walk properly? Just that bitch that got killed in Aruba, that's who.
Submitted by Salvation_Jane (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then there's me. I'm the drunk that combines with all the other drunks. I hold my liquor well, I like to cut loose, dance and sing, I can be an asshole, and sometimes I just like to sit around and get faced and mutter about all the loud music and smelly cunts around me. We're a fun group, let me tell you.
-------------------------
I love when groups label themselves "We're the fun group"
says who???
Just bustin' your balls AJ
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Times. Good Times.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhhh...college...the memories.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drunk girls. Good or bad? Can't decide.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No good deed goes unpunished.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you rule
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
classic!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Corey. =(
I actually sat here for about five minutes trying to come up with more stereotypical American names but I couldn't come up with any other than Travis and Tyler.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-27 04:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bringing random drunken hoes back home , nothing more normal !
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-27 04:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
gentleman.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-27 04:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your chums couldn't have more sterotypical names if they tried.
Is there a Corey?
Please tell me there is a Corey.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-09-27 03:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall use it today.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-09-27 03:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could your mates have more stereotypical American names?
Submitted by Psycosis (user info) at 2005-09-27 02:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-27 01:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
quite funny
Submitted by Thor (user info) at 2005-09-27 00:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lucky apullo wasn't staying with you, the poor girl would have had even more to be embarrassed about
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-27 00:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They made that illegal here, so cruel
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-09-26 23:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
$1 you-call-its is a special where for a dollar you can get any drink you want.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-26 23:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a normal weekend for me...
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-26 23:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what's $1 you-call-its, peep booth?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-09-26 23:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Out of all the insensitive things in the world to say, I think I found the best one. It's seemingly harmless, yet completely applicable to any situation.
I thought about making a collage of different things that would go well with the phrase, such as a knockout punch or a nuclear bomb or that one home run that guy from the Red Sox hit etc. etc.