Observations From The Elevators At My Work (674 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Starving Ethiopian (View user info) at 2005-09-27 00:36:56 EDT
It never fails, every morning I arrive at approximately the same time to board the elevator at my work. As I walk towards the building, visions of debt coverage ratios dances tantalizingly in my head, beckoning me with her inviting gazes to examine her AQR.....um, yea.
As it happens to anyone that gets into a daily routine, patterns begin to emerge and in my case, a vague classification of elevator riders manifested itself to me. Without further ado, types of people that I encounter daily in the elevators at work.
The Pompous Prick (And its counterpart, the Pretentious Priss)-
Behold the mighty business school graduate! Watch ordinary mortals quiver as these people wield their MBAs like Zeus wielded the lightning bolt! It's obvious that their intellect is far superior to the rest of the population, that's why they spent an extra $80K for two extra years of graduate studies! Doing the same job I'm doing now with a half-assed transfer degree! Watch as their faces convult into expressions of disdain as you happen to look them in the eye! Then get showered with more condescending language than STDs on a two dollar crackwhore!
Self-Absorbed Douche-Bag-
Closely related to the Pompous Prick, this person is usually on the cellphone or conversing with fellow self-absorbed douche-bags, often in an irritatingly loud tone, about topics that makes themselves seem important. You really think I'd give a shit if you lost positions in equity because so-and-so's quarterly statement missed expectations? This is the most common spawn I run into during my week. Everytime I see one, my mind sorta blanks out and nothing but repeated images of me roundhouse kicking them with a knife attached to my heel flashes before my eyes.
The Co-Worker You Kind of Know-
The downside of working in a large office is that there will be people you see everyday but you never work up the energy to say hi and strike up conversation (Who said work is nothing like school?). Now you find yourself stuck in an elevator with this person for the next 2 minutes. It's extremely awkward, you really can't talk about work because you two aren't in the same department and it's rather weird to ask them about their personal life when you don't even know where their cubicle is. Most often the conversation is about the weather.
"Man, it's cold this morning."
"Yea, it's pretty cold, so I wore a jacket."
" Too bad the sun always comes out later, then it'll be hot."
" Yea, then I'd have to carry my jacket."
" Yup."
[Stares down at balls]
The Fragrance Junkie-
They have an affinity for packed elevators. These people spray their cologne/perfume like how the Orkin man sprays termites. I wouldn't be so pissed off if their choice of fragrance didn't reek of fried fuses mixed with 409. One just got on the elevator a week ago reeking of Agent Orange. My olfactory sensors have been reduced to 13% functionality and I now suffer from constant nosebleeds.
The Coven of Cunts-
As hard it may be, please imagine a former sorostitute that managed to graduate from college. Still with me? Ok, now imagine a GROUP of them. In the same elevator. Talking. At the same time. In their high, whiney, and often nasal voices, the following subjects are discussed:
- oooOOOOohHHHH!!!11! Cute shoes!!!
- Complimenting someone's engagment ring while seething with jealousy on the inside and vowing that their respective fiances feels the full extent their wrath later tonight because the ring that they bought was not at least 10 carats.
- An indepth analysis of last night's "Sex And The City."
- Bitch session about the current "ostracized friend of the month."
Remember when that guy in Mission Impossible got owned when someone overrode the elevator controls and he ended getting slammed face first into a wall of stakes? I want to do that to them except I'll shoot them in the face and tip a vending machine on them.
User Reviews
Submitted by HillBoyJr (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for:
" Yup."
[Stares down at balls]
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit like this makes me glad I work in a little office.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wouldn't be so pissed off if their choice of fragrance didn't reek of fried fuses mixed with 409."
Wow. You don't work in my building, do you? I've been trying to place that smell for over a year now.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take the stairs.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are the people in London that makes me plan to move OUT of London. Myself and The bloke would rather work for ourselves than have to share breathing space with the corporate idiots.
+2 awesome
Submitted by Sheba (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this seems like a good time for a linkwhore----> http://www.ubersite.com/m/74654
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-27 07:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-09-27 02:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2, you filthy liar.
There are no elevators in Ethiopa. That's a privledge only the white man may have.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-09-27 02:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Fragrance Junkie-
They have an affinity for packed elevators. These people spray their cologne/perfume like how the Orkin man sprays termites. I wouldn't be so pissed off if their choice of fragrance didn't reek of fried fuses mixed with 409. One just got on the elevator a week ago reeking of Agent Orange. My olfactory sensors have been reduced to 13% functionality and I now suffer from constant nosebleeds.
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I thought this too of someone... it turns out they just huff 409!
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The Coven of Cunts-
As hard it may be, please imagine a former sorostitute that managed to graduate from college. Still with me? Ok, now imagine a GROUP of them. In the same elevator. Talking. At the same time. In their high, whiney, and often nasal voices, the following subjects are discussed:
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Please no, I can't say more but oh dear God. I will just say this, my father was VERY well off. He had enough money to do just about anything he damn well pleased. I have had people laugh cause the 30 thousand dollar ring he bought my mother was a smack in the face... hrmmm.... isn't a ring supposed to be one months salary? 30K is like getting a ring from someone who makes 360K a year! What MORE do you want!?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-27 00:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once got in a elevator with a very large woman who farted and looked at me as if id done it.
True story.
I laughed out loud and she almost ran out when the doors opened.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-09-27 00:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I Hate My Job" humor gets me every time.
Tell me what's outside the elevator, please. :)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-27 00:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And this is why I left corporate America...