"That can't be good, right?" (1408 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.92 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-27 08:07:24 EDT
And lo, there shall come a time of great rain, when the very heavens shall open and the wrath of He Who Is shall pour down upon the unworthy. And be aware, those of you who sin, and those of you who hold sin in your hearts; be aware, those of you who walk hand in hand with The Father of Lies, for you shall not be spared - yea, even unto the seventh generation shall your line be subject to the vengeance of the Lord.
And there will be a mighty road, and it shall traverse through the centre of this great rain, and the voices that speak within shall be as follows:
"Damn you. Not only do you make me take you all the way to fucking Perth, you make me do it in the fucking rain. And I wouldn't even mind if this wasn't the second week in a goddamned row, because last week you were too fucking retarded to remember everything you were supposed to bring and I swear on the discharge from your father's syphilitic cock, boy, if you've brought us up here on another wild goose chase I will kill everyone in the room and I'll start with you."
And much laughter shall be heard. And the other occupant shall speak thusly:
"I think it's really healthy for you to get out all this existential rage in a safe and loving environment, baby. Can you vary the cursing, though, because - and I don't want to sound negative or unsupportive here - you're beginning to repeat yourself."
And this gentle banter shall continue for a time.
"You should have ridden your bike. You're Dutch, you're used to stupid physical exertion in shitty weather. I've seen your underwater land and you'd be perfectly fine splashing through the torrential downpour on your deadly treadley."
"Question - if you made me ride a bike 80 kilometres in the rain, do you think I'd ever actually come back?"
"Question - do you not see that that's the whole fucking point? I'm tired of this exchange husband program. I want to have you deported."
And so on, for what could easily be all time, if it were not for this misfortune:
"......... that can't be good, right?"
"The wiper is broken! I can't see!"
"Just, like, lean over a bit."
"I DON'T HAVE MY CONTACTS IN AND I CAN'T SEE THROUGH THE WATER!"
"Why not?!?"
"Because I'm stupid! I can't see I can't see I can't see we're going to die-"
"Stop your whining. Lean your head towards me and look out my side. This wiper is still working."
"People will think I'm giving you road-head."
"That's currently the least of our problems. Stop being repressed."
And yeah, even in the downpour of holy wrath, the following words shall be spake:
"I need to get a picture of this. This really, really, really sucks."
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-11 04:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You clearly take too many photos whilst driving... how are you still alive?
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-09-30 09:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CLEARLY ACCIDENTALLY GAVE APOLLOS POST A ZERO
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-09-29 00:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw that view out of my car window once.
12 stitches in my head, 18 in my knee, and I was picking glass out of my hands for two months.
Mmmmmmmm.........road head.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-28 23:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:58:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when your stories are all wet and juicy.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My very first car was a monstrous old truck actually. One rainy day during a downpour, the linkage to BOTH wipers snapped. I ended up tieing a rope to each wiper through the cab of the truck and powering the damn things myself. Every tug moved the wiper about the length of my thumb.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-27 18:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-27 17:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tired of this exchange husband program. I want to have you deported.
-------
ha ha, you kick 18 kinds of ass, and an extra 5 on Sunday!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love uber today.... This is awesome. Post and replies
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've driven though way worse, at least you can see where the road ends and the ditch begins...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when your stories are all wet and juicy.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also...it looks like you're on the wrong side of the road and that car is about to hit you head on.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I was reading the first paragraph I was thinking to myself: 'MY GOD! FINALLY! SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!' Then I read further and was like: 'oh.'
You should have pulled over to the shoulder and made the Dutch bastard switch the wiper blades so you could see. Bet you didn't think of that did you, genius!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait a sec... are different cars set up with different positions for the gears and the pedals? As in the left foot is go?
That's not right. (not a pun)
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmm, road head...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was 16 or 17, that smart ass teenager age, I was on a holiday road trip with my family or as I thought of it, rolling hell. At one point I was driving and everyone else in the car was asleep. I happened to catch up with a semi hauling another semi cab. I am probably not explaining this well, but it was very clearly a semi with a semi cab dragging along behind it so that it was facing traffic going down the freeway. I pulled up right behind it and let out a terrified scream. Everyone in the car jolted awake to see a large semi facing them out the windshield and freaked.
oh sweet jebus yes it is STILL funny
except that only I thought so
The rest of the family failed to see the humor and got quite angry.
genius is so seldom appreciated
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Uh... goose? Dude? He was drinking and driving with a broken arm and YOU BLAME OUR CARS FOR HIS ACCIDENTS??
....you're probably right.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear God.
In retrospect, it makes sense that my dad drove into so many signs when he went out drinking with a broken arm when he was over there....
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You got it, goose.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the clutch under the left foot, and the gas pedal is on the far right, leaving the brake in the middle?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my fucking god. That's EXACTLY what my mechanic sounded like when I stripped the brake discs (because the pads were worn away and so the metal just kinda plowed through the other metal, it was very exciting, look: http://www.ubersite.com/m/53940 ) and the drive shaft thingy fell out.
Except he was kind of crying.
Anyway, I FIXED THE WIPER. It was just a loose bolt.
-------------------
Haha been there... I ruined the calipurs on my old car from leaving it too long to change the pads.
In other news, the fuel pump has just gone on my new(used) car. THAT is a bitch.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were in Perth and you didn't look me up? Shame on you! Oh wait... I was busy trudging through the wind and rain anyway. Let me tell you, umberellas don't work when it's windy. It turned inside out.... Stupid Perth weather.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
goose - fifth and reverse.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 10:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent work.
Slightly off-topic, I've got a question for all you silly people who drive on the wro...I mean left side of the road. In a manual transmission car, how is the gearbox set up? Which gears are closest to the driver: first and second or fifth and reverse?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:42:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:22:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
you might want to consider new wiper blades
------------
*Sucks in air through teeth* "Oooooh I dunno... Ya see, it's not just the wiper motor, there's all the connecting equipment. Wiper blades, connecting wires, the over-torked inversion screw manifold... It's gonna cost ya. Plus, they don't make parts for the old 3 Series motors now... You'll have to replace the pair with the 5 series, which THEN means getting an adapter socket for the connections. All that aside, though, it's a simple job of increasing the diameter of the socket in your bonet for the new fixings and respraying the drilled areas! Call it $550 cash."
_______
Oh my fucking god. That's EXACTLY what my mechanic sounded like when I stripped the brake discs (because the pads were worn away and so the metal just kinda plowed through the other metal, it was very exciting, look: http://www.ubersite.com/m/53940 ) and the drive shaft thingy fell out.
Except he was kind of crying.
Anyway, I FIXED THE WIPER. It was just a loose bolt.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:22:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
you might want to consider new wiper blades
------------
*Sucks in air through teeth* "Oooooh I dunno... Ya see, it's not just the wiper motor, there's all the connecting equipment. Wiper blades, connecting wires, the over-torked inversion screw manifold... It's gonna cost ya. Plus, they don't make parts for the old 3 Series motors now... You'll have to replace the pair with the 5 series, which THEN means getting an adapter socket for the connections. All that aside, though, it's a simple job of increasing the diameter of the socket in your bonet for the new fixings and respraying the drilled areas! Call it $550 cash."
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:03:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well fair enough then. Can I have your Dutchman though? I love the accent, he can live in the cubihole under the stairs and skin up when we have company over.
_________
If you get a large wooden box in the next few days, open it immediately.
Airholes make customs people suspicious, you see, so they're not an option.
We'll be cutting it fine but he's young and strong.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you might want to consider new wiper blades
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stop your whining. Lean your head towards me and look out my side. This wiper is still working."
"People will think I'm giving you road-head."
Road head. AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
I'm not sure how you keep doing it, but you manage to turn something mundane (like a broken windscreen wiper) into an entertaining story.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 09:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:59:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:44:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:37:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would never lie to you Circe, Englishmen are incapable of guile.
__________
It's no good, Berty. I've known too many englishmen. """
i'm not english i'm scouse.
----------
It's true they are a simple people.
Well fair enough then. Can I have your Dutchman though? I love the accent, he can live in the cubihole under the stairs and skin up when we have company over.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:44:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:37:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would never lie to you Circe, Englishmen are incapable of guile.
__________
It's no good, Berty. I've known too many englishmen. """
i'm not english i'm scouse.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:37:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would never lie to you Circe, Englishmen are incapable of guile.
__________
It's no good, Berty. I've known too many englishmen.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:35:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was traveling to Plymouth, Mass. once and the wiper flew off the passenger side...I had to keep them on because it was absolutly pouring out. The sound...that constant screeching of metal against glass...reeetch....reeetch....drove me nuts.
So I put a glove on he disabled wiper and continued my journey...perpetually waving to every car that passed. """
That was amusing, but would have been better if you had added the word 'cheerily'.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that happened to me I'd have to stick my head out the window.
If it rained I mean, cause it never rains in England.
I would never lie to you Circe, Englishmen are incapable of guile. At least as far a pretty Aussie ladies with enormous assets are concerned, it's kind of why we lost the Continent in the first place.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was traveling to Plymouth, Mass. once and the wiper flew off the passenger side...I had to keep them on because it was absolutly pouring out. The sound...that constant screeching of metal against glass...reeetch....reeetch....drove me nuts.
So I put a glove on he disabled wiper and continued my journey...perpetually waving to every car that passed.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I did eventually repair the wiper of course.
Me. I did it.
Right after Maarten responded to my announcement that I'd "Just snap the wiper off and lean out to flail at the windscreen now and then" with "What if we just tighten this bolt that's turning back and forth all by itself? See? Right here, on the wiper?"
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:22:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
IT DOESNT MATTER THE POSITION OF THE PEDALS, I WOULD STILL BE FUCKED UP AS TO THE GAS BRAKE AND CLUTCH BECAUSE OF THEIR RELATIVE POSITIONS AND OR ARRANGEMENT TO EITHER YOUR FEET OR YOUR POSITION SITTING IN THE VEHICLE. """
dat coz u r a dumm 'merican
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe you should be giving roadhead...that would make the rain stop and the clouds go away...or not
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*copies and pastes Circe's response*
Hahahahahaa!!!!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more marsupials.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fun.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:17:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave your dutchman and come live with me, it never rains in England.
________
I believe you, Berty, because you'd never lie to me.
*big trusting eyes*
*drool and sporadic twitching*
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT DOESNT MATTER THE POSITION OF THE PEDALS, I WOULD STILL BE FUCKED UP AS TO THE GAS BRAKE AND CLUTCH BECAUSE OF THEIR RELATIVE POSITIONS AND OR ARRANGEMENT TO EITHER YOUR FEET OR YOUR POSITION SITTING IN THE VEHICLE.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:13:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you're on the wrong side of the road, right?
---
bollocks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leave your dutchman and come live with me, it never rains in England.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's a mere shower!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh jesus not you too, Siren... I hear it enough from the fucking Dutchman - "The reason you get headaches is because you ignorant colonial peasant scum drive on the wrong side of the road. Remember driving on the right in Holland, baby? How good it felt? You know you want to do it again... next time you get on the highway and I'm not in the car, drive on the right. You'll be a trendsetter and everyone will thank you."
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you're on the wrong side of the road, right?
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-27 08:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, man...