A Two-Handed World (810 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.64 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Goose <goosehkr at hotmail dot com> (View user info) at 2005-09-27 12:13:43 EDT
I have gained a new appreciation for amputees.
In my rugby game on Sunday, I managed to break my collarbone and tear two of the ligaments that connect said collarbone to my breastplate. Well, saying that I broke it makes it sound like some sort of conscious choice; my collarbone was broken for me by a couple of the opposing players. I was taken out of the game (since its tough to hook without lifting your left arm to hold on to your loose head prop) and iced myself down for the remaining 20 minutes of the game.
By that time, I had just about frozen my arm off, so it didn't really hurt all that much any more. I figured I had just strained my shoulder, since I have popped it out of socket a couple of times before, so I went with the rest of the team to the local bar for the post-game, well, drinking. Don't look at me like that - its tradition, dammit.
I was faced with quite a conundrum, though - I drive a manual transmission car, and driving with one hand can be a little tricky. Nothing I couldn't handle, though. The seatbelt was a little trickier, however, but it also helped clue me in to which part of me was injured. Stopping for a red light, the seatbelt locked across my collar bone, and, I'll have to admit, I screamed like a cartoon woman seeing a mouse.
So, we get to the bar, and halfway through my second beer, my arm is beginning to thaw out, and it starts to hurt. I mean really hurt. I've been shot, stabbed, and kicked in the nuts (all different occasions) that this shit is starting to hurt. I tell the guys I'll see them at practice on Monday, and head out to my car. I figure out how to reach across and do the seatbelt up with one hand, and then figure out how to slide the chest part behind me, and then how to reach the door with my right hand, and I begin the forty minute drive to the hospital, because I'll be damned if I go to the hospital in Manassas - they just got running water a few weeks ago.
After sitting in the Urgent Care in Fairfax (its sort of a hospital-lite, for those of you not in the NoVA area) for six hours, they finally tell me that I've fractured my collarbone and have possible ligament damage, and I get to see an orthopedic surgeon on Thursday. Then they set me up with giant doses of ibuprofen and tiny drops of painkillers and sent me on my way.
Today, I am halfway through my second day of being a semi-gimp, and I've made a couple of realizations. First, it's fucking impossible to put on a sock with one hand. Impossible. I'm convinced that everyone who only has one arm must wear sandals everyday. Second, you have to stretch back oddly to pull your zipper up when you're done taking a leak. This movement makes every other person at the urinals VERY uncomfortable, except for the odd guy who breaths through his mouth that works in the cubicle at the end of the hall. Hmm.
Ever tried to fill up a Slurpee one-handed? I don't recommend it. Additionally, opening a beer bottle with a church key is equally difficult. If you ever feel the need to sneeze while carrying a cup of coffee, you've only got a split second to decide what to do. You can either save your coffee and sneeze all over everything, or you can find somewhere to put your coffee down and cover your nose. Or, the charming third option, get halfway in between both and wind up sneezing directly into your hot coffee, spraying it all over yourself and, if you're lucky, the secretary three doors down from you. At lunch, you get the joy of realizing at the drive-thru at the Taco Bell that both of your cup holders already have half-drunk soda and coffee in them, and trying to drive a standard transmission home with one hand with GIANT Mountain Dew between your legs (insert innuendo here). I would like to point out that they serve those bad boys cold.
Typing one-handed? Fantastic. Not being able to reach alt-tab before your boss wanders over? Even better. And I can't even describe the joy of trying to tie a tie. My roommate offered to help, but I decided just to go with polo shirts this week, after twenty minutes of frustration yesterday morning, which brings me to another point - pulling on a shirt when you can't move your left arm is an interesting study in flexibility. My yoga-master ex would be proud.
You know that guy at your office, the one who insists on calling you "sport" or "champ" and slapping you on the back or shadow-boxing with you every time he sees you? He's normally an older guy, and every office has one. He hit me in the shoulder yesterday, and I was not pleased, I must admit.
I tried to make my bed this morning, and I decided it was a lost cause. One of my pillows has come halfway out of its cover, and its just going to have to wait until I get a girlfriend and she comes over to my house. Speaking of which, there is no good way to sleep with a busted collarbone. Well, that's not true; sleeping is ok, but moving in your sleep? That's out, unless you enjoy waking up every twenty minutes.
The hardest lesson of all, however, is discovered that sex is completely out of the question. So, if you're an uberuser Jessica, I would just like to say sorry, and I was wondering what you were up in to two to four weeks?
User Reviews
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-28 08:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Toned? What, are you hitting on me now?
God, I fucking hate you, flarnen-whatever the hell.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once I strained my rotator cuff. Try putting on a bra with one arm.
Impossible.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-27 20:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:34:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Sacrilicious - I'm liking you more and more, hun ;) Shoot, between this and the scrapple, you might very well be my dream woman.
-----------
I'm working on it:)
And Flarndorkfarfigwhatever-
STFU. You haven't said one thing of value since you started here.
Submitted by flarn-dorfar (user info) at 2005-09-27 17:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Rugby is a game often played by toned Nazi style males
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Amen, to the both of you.
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god you can still wipe your ass.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wildcat, I'll take a look at the website if I can track it down. I didn't play of WSRFC last year, though, so I mised out, unfortunately.
If we don't see you in one of teh tournaments this winter or next spring, maybe we'll have to organize a friendly sometime soon, yeah?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank your lucky stars that you can still beat your bishop into submission, Sparky.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Urgent care can suck my asshole and pull away with a butterbean!
That fucking place has given me more terminal false Diagnosis' (word?)
than I care to remember. I went there for pnemonia one time, and walked out sans
one nut, and a new haircut.
A pity +2 though, it is indeed a 2 handed world!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In a way, it beats the Culpeper County Hospital. My friend's dad was released from there a little over a year ago despite having a broken foot and what was later determined to be a broken back.
Virginia may be for lovers, but it definitely isn't for the infirm.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No fucking way! I played for Newport News until this past summer. We played you guys last season I think. We have A side and B side pictures on our website from that game.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:37:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, Fairfax's Urgent Care...the russian roulette of health care.
Ha ha ha
Yeah, I swore I would never go there after they mangled my broken ankle, but I very helpfully forgot that oath.
Wildcat, I think we've talked about it before, on one of your rubgy posts (I think you had a picture involved). I play for Western Suburbs RFC out of Fairfax; we just beat Winchester (VA) RFC 27-5.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor, poor dear! This is worse than the time I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture!
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What team do you play for up there? I've been playing for awhile down here in the Hampton Roads area of the state.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, Fairfax's Urgent Care...the russian roulette of health care.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sacrilicious - I'm liking you more and more, hun ;) Shoot, between this and the scrapple, you might very well be my dream woman.
And trust me, the thought crossed my mind, but having spent the last two days in a sling, all of the muscles up my neck and across my shoulders have tightened up, so I can't really move my head. As such, there could be no reciprocation, and thats just not fair.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, poor Goosie. I've heard broken collarbones are the worst. Who is this Jessica? The least she could do for a man who is obviously in such pain would be to suck it up (literally) and perform copious amounts of fellatio on you. I know I would.
Submitted by flarn-dorfar (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Om my god, you realy think people sit and read all about your life?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fell down a flight of stairs
once and broke both wrists.
Going to the bathroom was a real
hoot.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-27 12:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aww that sucks... feel better!