A Parody of the Uber Tough Guy (1077 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-09-27 13:30:13 EDT
So this English cunt got on my back for starting a story with incorrect grammar. I found it highly unlikely that she had any idea what she was talking about. She had this strange manner of speaking, as if all of her words filtered through a kazoo lodged into a yeast infection. I let her know that there were lemon drops on the market that might help her to better pronounce "buoy".
She seemed unappreciative, so I snapped her neck and took a polaroid, as a warning to the Jews about what might happen if they ever decide to step out of line.
I related the tragic story to my taint. She started in on me with some kind of morals riff, so I donkey-punched her with a pair of tostada-shell knuckles and smiled gleefully while her face became disfigured by nacho chip shrapnel. Nobody wants a disfigured bitch, so I dressed her wounds with copies of Kevin Trudeau's book of natural cures.
A week later, I took my new chick to the movies. She must have a thing for dykes, because she insisted that we watch "Flightplan". I have a soft spot for actress Erika Christiansen, as she looks almost exactly like my week-old discard once looked, so I agree.
As we went down the street in my luxury sedan, I pounded shots and listened to nu-metal CDs, because that is how I roll. When someone tells me to break stuff, you better God damn fucking believe I crush some motherfucking shit! Crush shit like I crush shit, because there is no metaphor for crushing that could ever crush anything better than me.
Looking for something to crush, I stuck my head out of the window. A mime stood on a corner, performing street miracles. I got out in order to give him some of the love that my parents had never given to me.
His crowd scattered while I made my approach, except for the scores of women who threw themselves at me. I caught each of them on my mushroom tip, dissolving their bodies into an orgasmic blend of female cum and melted box. I can never figure out why so many people live in fear of me. I heard a rumor once, that the secret of my awesome punching power had been revealed to the public. But I don't believe it. People still get in my way.
Like this fucking mime. He seemed to be trying to tell me something. But I had not the patience. I would have hit him at that moment had he not wiped off the white makeup, revealing himself to be none other than Uber's former favorite son, Hidden101. I took one look into those sad, alcohol-glazed eyes and I knew I could not punch his effeminate face. Instead, I set him on fire. Then we proceeded to the theater.
Alas, the movie turned out to be a piece of shit. But I would have sat through it peacefully and without incident, had the audience not been composed entirely of idiots. I hate to single anone out, but blacks should really not be allowed to use two-way walkie talkie cellphone features.
"Boo-boop. What the fuck is that crazy white bitch doing now? She still looking for that baby?"
"Boo-boop. Naw, she be thinkin she's insane now. Haha, everyone thinks the sand cracker done stole her kid."
The audience erupted in laughter at that completely inappropriate moment.
"Shut the fuck up, you gelatinous turd!"
"Oh, I know you aint talkin to me. Boo-boop. Jamaal, did you hear that shit?"
"Who cares what he heard? I'm sure he cant be the father of all your illegitimate children, can he? I'm sure you've been fucked by so many strangers, your abused pussy looks like an extra pair of nigger lips."
"Boo-boop. Haha he's right. Your twat resembles my mouth."
"Tinactin, will you just leave them alone? I'm trying to watch this babyless lesbian accuse Arab businessmen of acts of international terrorism."
"Quiet, Secretariat. I'm going to hollow out my scrotum, fill it with oats, and weld my balls to your chin, unless you cut out your neigh-saying."
I got the feeling that she had something else to say, so I wrapped one forearm around her head and placed the other underneath her jaw, reducing the size of her face from that of an unabridged English Oxford dictionary to that of an abridged English Oxford dictionary. I'm sure it hurt, but at least now she can fit her smaller face through the neckhole of a much more flattering Muslim birka. The audience found that to be hilarious.
As for that loud bitch: my kneecaps gave her a few mammograms and parachuted safely away from her tit undersweat on the backs of her genetically overstretched nipples. I left her a pearl necklace to remember me.
Then I took her home and ground her bones to make my bread. But I'm not some kind of fucking homo baker, so I kicked my oven in its smug, grease-caked viewing window. Then the pilot light came on, and I looked and saw God sitting gracefully inside. Unfortunately, He was not sitting on the center rack, and I was afraid that He might be unevenly cooked. So I pulled him out.
"YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED FOR THE EGG TIMER," he boomed. His thunderous voice was so powerful that it might scare any man, even me, if I were not such a hardcore badass.
"Fuck that. You're like the experts at Circuit City. I've got questions, you've got answers. Now you're going to be accountable. How can you expect me to love, if you've filled me with so much hate?"
"Oh my son, my beautiful son, you are so misguided."
"God, are you coming on to me?"
"Listen. You may think that you are hate-filled, but I have blessed all of my children with the gift of love. What I have joined together, let no man put asunder."
God really knows how to infuriate a guy. I proceeded to rip off both of my arms and legs, thus proving God a contradiction. As he ceased to exist, atheists around the world rejoiced that the justification of their beliefs.
I fucking hate atheists.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I took her home and ground her bones to make my bread. But I'm not some kind of fucking homo baker, so I kicked my oven in its smug, grease-caked viewing window. Then the pilot light came on, and I looked and saw God sitting gracefully inside. Unfortunately, He was not sitting on the center rack, and I was afraid that He might be unevenly cooked. So I pulled him out.
---------------------
Bwahahahahaha
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-09-28 11:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ....
Now please pass me some valium
so i can untangle my brain.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-09-28 10:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you put, "Naked Scandelous Pictures of Half Of The Uber Population Exposed" you would have received many more reviews.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-28 08:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't get the love you deserve.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-28 07:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I... could not follow half of that. Have a 2!
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-28 07:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy freaking GOD.
And yes, yours is better.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-28 02:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good too see you posting again.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im your huckleberry
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-27 17:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:42:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Apologies. This has already been done. Please revoke.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67109
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Mine was not the same as yours, I can't be expected to keep track of every post, and my post was much more creative. Good day.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing and perfect. Good to see shitfuck has a sense of humor. Has sphag read this?
This stuff is much funnier when you're saying it cause you KNOW how retarded it sounds.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-27 16:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tough actin' Tinactin!
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because thats how I roll.......
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apologies. This has already been done. Please revoke.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/67109
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-09-27 15:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cause that's how I roll
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
some poetry in there, pure and simple.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And now to our stage, Ladies and Gents please welcome our comedian for the evening..., it's TOUGH ACTIN TINACTIN!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only problem?
Internet toughs don't have grammar or imagination that good.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"who the hell needs a Bill of Rights? i'm Bill, and im right."
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"God, are you coming on to me?"
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-27 14:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that made my head explode
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Then the pilot light came on, and I looked and saw God sitting gracefully inside. Unfortunately, He was not sitting on the center rack, and I was afraid that He might be unevenly cooked. So I pulled him out."
Haha!
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Sand Cracker
+2 for Neigh Saying
=
+ fucking 2 live
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorta sounds like that shitfuck prick.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Nobody wants a disfigured bitch, so I dressed her wounds with copies of Kevin Trudeau's book of natural cures."
--------------
CANT...STOP...LAUGHING...-dies
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad you didn't live closer. You could have come over after this ordeal and I would have made you a fruity drink in my Magic Bullet.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For me it was:
"As we went down the street in my luxury sedan, I pounded shots and listened to nu-metal CDs, because that is how I roll."
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I . . . I love you so much.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-27 13:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have given you a +2 for this line alone: "I related the tragic story to my taint."
You're all sorts of awesome.