I had to duel Dick Cheny (817 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.5 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Joe Fatha <Popple_mario.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-27 19:03:34 EDT
This was about one week ago if I recall correctly. It started out in a grocery store. I only reached out to buy two things which were a cell phone and a block of cheese. Usually I'd stroll through the express line and come home to my loving and caring television. This day was different. This day...I...died.
Anyway you could call it a bad day gone horrible. It started out with me a little confused. I went to go to a Giant grocery store. I thought this was a Giant but the sign said "Big" not "Giant". When I entered everything was backwards. I was greeted by a skinny Micheal Moore. He actually explained to me in a truthful manner the store. Then I headed to buy my cheese. It said cheese, but the whole thing was called "Ass Cheese". I shrugged, I disregarded this and headed off to the cell phone department. After seeing the cell phones I picked the cheapest. Then I thought to myself: "wait! grocery stores don't sell cell phones!". The cell phone also said: "In Soviet Russia cell phone calls YOU!". This was a little creepy I've never witnessed or heard a cell phone talk.
This is where the day went creepier. I saw my neighboor Ed. I was going to give him a hand shake, but he charged at me. His wife told me he turned into a zombie and the only way I could stop him his to rip his balls off. I charged back grabbing his sack and ripping it off. I took it and put it in my pocket. He screamed "MY GOODS MY GOODS!". I told his wife, since he's castrated I guess she's mine now. I put her in a Pokeball for later.
Then I reached the line. Some jackass couldn't find his credit card so he wasted 15 minutes of my time. I got angry and turned into the bulk...in my pants. Well you can forget that last sentence. But still I was angry. I stole his wallet and slipped it into my pants pocket. He still looked for his credit card. Meanwhile I fondled a woman and read a nudie magazine.
I finally got out. My mean mother greeted me. I hated her so I started saying mean insults with the first four words "My mother is so". This made her cry.
Well I headed off to the highway and it was getting a bit more normal. Well that was until I remembered I left my Pokeball with my neighboor's wife in it. I yelled "GODDAMN!".
I preceeded to look at my Shigure Miyamoto deity, this was my true god. I looked at him so much my car steered off track and crashed into a bush. Not president, but a good bush.
I woke up 2 hours later and was transparent and had a halo. I was confronted by lord Jesus Christ. He had dreadlocks and a Jamacain accent. He also put on a few pounds over the 1975 years. He told me the good news, I was going to heaven. Our conversation followed.
Me: How can I go to heaven?
Jesus: You are a great soul.
Me: What about the 8 commandments I just broke?
*I stole my neighboor's goods
*I stole my neighboor's wife
*I stole a wallet
*I commited adultery buy fondling that babe
*I dishonered my mother by insults
*I took god's name in vain by saying god-damn
*I considered Shigure Miyamoto a god
*I forgot Sabbath
Jesus: Well atleast you didn't kill and that's good enough.
Me: Also I killed Taylor Hanson on accident on the road
Jesus: Oh yeah, you're going to hell.
~
There I was in hell. Satan came up to me and told me I could go back to life if I beat Dick Cheny in a duel. Dick Cheny didn't look like a bald fat guy. He looked like a Dementor from the Harry Potter series. Anyway, I consulted my deck and we started the duel.
(Skip this if you hate Yu-Gi-Oh)
We both drew 5 cards and a sixth one. We had 8000 lifepoints. I summoned marauding captain. He then played Painful choice then proceeded to pull out a Chaos Emperor dragon and totally Yata-lock me.
Me: Dick Cheny! You didn't tell me this was traditional format!
Dick: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!? YOU'RE IN HELL.
Dick Cheny had a creepy voice. I asked for 2 outta three. This time he cyber-steined' me with a Blue Eyes Ultimate dragon.
3 outta 5 I pleaded. He accepted. I won the first 2 matches out of luck. The third one we had a 20 minute limit. I got one attack on him them stalled for 19 minutes.
Dick: YOU STALLED YOU DIRTY MOTHER FUCKER!
Me: BWAHAHA! Now I get to go back to my house and post this on Ubersite.
Dick: You have no life
Me: That may be true but...
Dick: What?
Me: I got nothing.
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-09-28 12:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HighFructoseCornSyrup (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:05:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Retalitory +2
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hahahahaha
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-09-28 12:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack's not that intelligent. It's like the woman I know who thinks the simpsons is stupid because she doesn't understand it.
1975 is not a year. It is a number: one thousand, nine hundred, and seventy five. It is applied to the year which started that number of years after Jesus, which would make him that old in the year named 1975. I guess that, this being 2005, he meant that he's gained a lot of weight since he turned 30, which was 1975 years ago.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-28 12:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dick Cheny is a fag
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-09-28 02:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"1975 years" ??? 1975 is one year. Do you mean the seventies?
Oh yeah, this sucked.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-27 21:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dick Cheny?
Ooooooooooo Dick Cheney!
<yawn>
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not confused... I'm just blind.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This guy makes DudeThat'sBOSH look like Witherspoon...
Submitted by egadz (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2ROFLSLDFLASDFLALSDFLASLDF
Submitted by HighFructoseCornSyrup (user info) at 2005-09-27 19:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retalitory +2