I may be a wanted man in Japan. (2075 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.95 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-09-27 22:18:19 EDT
My sister is the family rock, me not so much. I love my family and do what ever I can to help out in times of need or distress but I keep to myself mostly. I do visit from time to time out of guilt mostly but it's my sister that organises family gatherings and reminds other members of impending birthdays and stuff. I have never been good with dates and if it wasn't for my sister, I forget and miss my mother's birthday even.
She knows this and when it's a week before my mothers birthday she will ring out of the blue with the pretence of shooting the shit and drop a line during the conversation like "Oh I'm ringing mom on Tuesday next week in the afternoon to wish her happy birthday so if you ring and her phone is engaged you will know why, you might want to ring her that morning just to make sure, is that ok?"
I act all innocent and knowing and say "Oh that's ok I was going to ring her in the morning anyways". It's kind of a silent understanding between us. Every time a family member is visiting our state or even country my sister invariably hosts a family gathering and invites all and sundry.
A few years ago I went through a marriage break up and around that time a cousin from America was planning a holiday in our country to visit immediate family and contacted my sister to let her know she would be starting her holiday from Brisbane. A huge family gathering was planned and my sister coordinated an itinerary for the few days Joyce would be here.
The day before Joyce was due to land my sister rang explaining her husband had been called into work for that day and with her kid's commitments for the day, she would struggle to pick Joyce up from the airport. Yours truly offered to do the family thing and collect Joyce from the airport and run her over to my sister's house.
I hate airports at the best of times and international airports are just a pain in the rectum. It started with parking. It was a midday arrival and I'm guessing around a thousand planes land at midday because the nearest park I could get was close to a mile from the airport. Thinking I should have bought a packed lunch and water bottle I set off toward the airport lounges.
Her plane wasn't to land for a little while yet so I made myself comfortable in the air-conditioning to watch the maddening throng of people moving around the terminal. This is when I discovered Japanese families are fascinating. Seated near me was Mr and Mrs Japanese holidaymaker with three kids. A boy of about 12 with a headset from a portable CD player on, sat playing a game on a lap top computer, he had a camera hung around his neck and a mobile phone attached to his belt.
His two younger sisters were adorned with an assortment of modern battery operated goods as well and even mom and dad had a camera and phone visible on their person. An elderly lady sat with them and I supposed this was granny Japanese holidaymaker, she must have been mom or dads mother and she too had a camera and phone.
Father Japanese holiday maker got excited about something and screaming his gibberish he ran toward the window taking pictures at 10,000 frames per second of something outside, within seconds the entire family was lined up beside him in a clicking frenzy jabbering in Japanese capturing pictures of something they found interesting. I looked over and realised they were photographing a baggage truck taking bags too a waiting aircraft.
What the fuck is up with Japanese people and cameras?
This family proceeded to photograph anything that fucking moved in a 1-mile radius. This consumed my interest for the 20 minutes I had to wait for Joyce's plane to land and I shuddered to think of the photo night this family had in store for their friends back home.
Imagine that! I could see father Japanese holiday maker surrounded by his Japanese friends at home handing them pictures saying "if you rook crosely you will shee our bags orn dis mini shruck being taken out to our prane" and pulling yet another wad of photo's out saying "Dees froto's are of Bwisbane cherminal and I haf arranged some showing the actual arrangement of the waiting airdea seating".
Fuck me! His friends will find that shit riveting.
I should point out at this stage that it was a hot day so I was only wearing jeans and a Singlet (Singlet = sleeveless tank top for our American readers). My arms are heavily tattooed and my hair is closely cropped (number three cut) for work reasons. I have a longish handle bar moustache for no real reason except I like it and being a larger man I have been told I am physically intimidating but those that know me, know that I am sweet and lovely. No honestly I am.
Joyce on the other hand had never met or seen me before, and it never occurred to me that she may not believe I was related to her. The terminal speakers announced her flights arrival so I made my way toward the gate they announced and found a seat by the customs door. People started coming through the door before too long and it was fun watching people greet each other. I'm not normally a people watcher but it is fun watching people who haven't seen each other for a long period, greet each other.
I knew Joyce was short, was a little over weight and wore glasses (I had seen recent pictures) and she was in her late twenty's so I figured she couldn't be hard to pick out. Before too long she came through the doors and stood looking around expectantly.
Getting to my feet I walked toward her and made eye contact with her and smiling I outstretched my arms in a hug manner and telling her that I was her cousin Saxon and was here to pick her up, I threw my arms around her with a good old fashioned family welcome hug.
She let out a blood-curdling scream!
Crying and screaming she fought her way out of my embrace and started screaming for help hysterically. I stood there with a confused look on my face as everyone in the terminal looked our way and some hands roughly grabbed my shoulders. I spun clockwise instinctively lifting my arm and bending it as I sent my elbow toward where I thought this person's shoulder would be to ward off his grasp.
As it turned out this guy was a little shorter then me and my elbow connected with his nose with a sickening crunch. I watched him crash to the floor holding his bleeding nose and realised he wore a security uniform and the thoughts "Oh fuck that isn't good" went through my mind as I was knocked to the floor and subdued by a few of his uniformed colleagues amid flashing lights.
Realising my situation wasn't good I let them man handle me to my feet and lead me off down the hall when it dawned on me where the flashing lights were coming from. The family of Japanese holidaymakers were capturing the entire thing with their cameras and this struck me as hilarious and I broke into laughter.
The police were called and I was held and questioned for a couple of hours until my sister arrived to verify my story. Apparently Joyce had been raped in her teenage years and that coupled with the fact she was tired and disorientated being in an unfamiliar country made her panic. No charges were laid and I sent the officer who's nose I broke, a box of chocolates and a letter of apology but the thing that concerns me most is the fact that there is a family in Japan who think they have pictures of a criminal being captured at the Brisbane International Airport.
User Reviews
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-09-30 04:54:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-29 19:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha! Fucking hilarious. I would like to study YOU, Saxon, as you make your way about this world that clearly was not built to properly contain you.
"I should point out at this stage that it was a hot day so I was only wearing jeans and a Singlet (Singlet = sleeveless tank top for our American readers)"
Good thing you clarified. Where I'm from, a singlet is one of those one-piece leotard things that amateur wrestlers wear.
Which I think you would look quite lovely in.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-28 17:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-28 16:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn! Very funny!
does your 'stache' look like this guy's, saxon? http://www.ubersite.com/m/9778
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-09-28 16:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just to clarify, Saxon happens to be MY big, scary looking, tattooed airport criminal.
That is all.
Thank you.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-28 16:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:02:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm so ronery
so ronery
----
serves you right for getting married.
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-09-28 16:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shortly after the United States re-engaged positive relations with the Japanese following the events of World War II, an underground organization of the Japanese Government hatched a dubious plan.
They did not trust our giving spirit and conspired to learn all things possible about American infrastructure in preparation for mass invasion at a later date.
Their method of spying was ingenious. They implanted several "tourists" with a supposed lack of knowledge of the American culture or lingual communication, and they gave them all cameras with a new technology allowing millions of photographs to be taken on a single role of film.
Unforunately, their government soon learned true American infrastructure was too chaotic to target, so they began a technological invasion that will spell the end of America as we know it.
Ever learn to program your VCR? Fuck no. The instructions are in goddamn Japanese which, like, nobody can actually read. Those VCRs are actually all small nuclear devices.
Meanwhile, despite having the ability to curb their population and the fact that their women don't like sex (have you seen their pr0n, OMG they get hurt by those little things???), they are reproducing like rabbits. When their tiny island chain can't handle it anymore, they will strike America, and they will win.
On the bright side? A mass influx of tight pussy for those of us that survive.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-28 15:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is awesome. To avoid that in the future, next time hold a sign in your hands with her name on it. She'd prolly laugh and not know what is going on, it would be great.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-28 14:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can hug me, Saxon. I promise not to scream.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-09-28 14:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-09-28 14:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GrayGhost (user info) at 2005-09-28 13:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good man. Being male though, it's probably somehow, someway still your fault. We fellas, we're always the bad guys, even when we're not.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-28 12:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-28 08:43:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:23:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Top shelf tale that.
I can't see how anyone can hate airports, though. People flying in and out to all parts of the globe, and generally if you go to the airport, you're either going somewhere exciting yourself, or picking someone up you haven't seen in a long while.
Airports are teh roxorzz!"£$%*^11!!
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Someone has never had 12 hour airport delays
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Airport bars my friend. Use them wisely and the time flies by. Pun intended.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-28 09:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So whats it like to be the basis of fantastic Japanese family stories that will be passed down through generations?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-28 08:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:23:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Top shelf tale that.
I can't see how anyone can hate airports, though. People flying in and out to all parts of the globe, and generally if you go to the airport, you're either going somewhere exciting yourself, or picking someone up you haven't seen in a long while.
Airports are teh roxorzz!"£$%*^11!!
-----------------------------
Someone has never had 12 hour airport delays.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really fucking hope that picture isn't real.
Really. Fucking. Hope.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top shelf tale that.
I can't see how anyone can hate airports, though. People flying in and out to all parts of the globe, and generally if you go to the airport, you're either going somewhere exciting yourself, or picking someone up you haven't seen in a long while.
Airports are teh roxorzz!"£$%*^11!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rape victims are left overs.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-28 05:55:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn rape victims. Always ruining things for everybody else. "Oh no I can't watch this bondage porn movie where a girl gets shot in the head, it makes me feel uncomfortable because I was raped" "Oh no I don't want you to tie a rope around my neck and parade me around the mall like a puppy dog because I was raped" victim mentality is what it is.
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Rape victims are the best lovers.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-28 06:02:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm so ronery
so ronery
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-28 05:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn rape victims. Always ruining things for everybody else. "Oh no I can't watch this bondage porn movie where a girl gets shot in the head, it makes me feel uncomfortable because I was raped" "Oh no I don't want you to tie a rope around my neck and parade me around the mall like a puppy dog because I was raped" victim mentality is what it is.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-28 05:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-28 05:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My arms are heavily tattooed and my hair is closely cropped (number three cut) for work reasons. I have a longish handle bar moustache for no real reason except I like it and being a larger man I have been told I am physically intimidating but those that know me, know that I am sweet and lovely. No honestly I am"
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If you hugged me I'd probably scream as well. What where you thinking you fool?
Funny, funny, funny stuff.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-28 04:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a work requirement for you to have tattoo's?
To continue reading...
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-28 04:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AH !! wanted man from Brisbane !! That made me laugh
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-28 03:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My arms are heavily tattooed and my hair is closely cropped (number three cut) for work reasons. I have a longish handle bar moustache for no real reason except I like it and being a larger man I have been told I am physically intimidating but those that know me, know that I am sweet and lovely. No honestly I am"
I've seen Chopper. I know who you are!!
Submitted by Playboy (user info) at 2005-09-28 03:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh, I AM a wanted man in Cambodia.
Pah, Japan, civilised. Try being on the run in a third world nation !
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-28 03:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
does bush really have a picture of Blair on his desk?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-28 02:45:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Ubercon Brisbane mate. We really need to set this thing up.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-28 00:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful Saxon.. When I come to Australia, will you be my cousin too?
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quality tale
only one thing stuck in my mind though....as an australian you still said you had to park a mile away. I guess its a figure of speech but it clung to my brain for some reason.
those crazy japs, good people, but damn they love their toys.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but those that know me, know that I am sweet and lovely. No honestly I am.
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this was really good, but for some reason, i found this particular line hysterical.
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, your'e luck is what I meant, i'm slightly drunk...
Submitted by sl4tt3ry (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your'e you live in England, in America, you would have been tackled, beaten, and charged with terrorist threats or some crazy shit like that
http://home.att.net/~ndanger/Terrorist.jpg
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
I love the bush-holding-the-phone-upside-down picture
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard at this, I nearly pee'd myself!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he lives
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good tale.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No charges were laid and I sent the officer who's nose I broke, a box of chocolates and a letter of apology but the thing that concerns me most is the fact that there is a family in Japan who think they have pictures of a criminal being captured at the Brisbane International Airport.
________________________________________________
That was hilarious!
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:40:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still trying to get over your spelling of 'organiZed'.
IT'S A GODDAMN 'Z' FOR CHRISTS SAKE!!!!!!!!
Just kidding, let's get drunk.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-09-27 22:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vote Five!
And I like that picture. Either Bushie's so vain he needs a photograph of himself on the table behind him, or he's doin' the gay-man-love thing for Blair.