If you don’t flush your turds god will punish your goldfish (1435 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-09-30 00:18:31 EDT
Boarding the plane, I shuffled forward in line waiting for my turn to show the hosty my boarding pass before heading down the aircraft-seating corridor to find my allocated seat. The airhostess welcomed me aboard smiling when my turn came and peering at my boarding pass she motioned toward the corridor and stated that my seat was near the middle of the plane.
I slowly made my way toward my seat avoiding being smacked in the groin by the fat guy carrying a briefcase in front of me and watching for errant bags falling from the overhead lockers. I once saw a little old lady knocked clean unconscious by a bag that slipped from a guys grasp as he was trying to stow it and having flown many times before I knew the pitfalls to be alert for.
Something sharp poked me in the butt and I turned to see a little old lady coming along behind me with an umbrella that now had its metal tip imbedded between my arse cheeks. Her head was turned backward as she berated the old guy behind her about taking care with the box he carried. The large fat guy smelling of sweat in front of me had stopped to stow his briefcase in the overhead locker so I was captured between Mr smelly lardass and little old lady with sharp pointy weapon.
"Excuse me" I said matter of factly "I don't think your umbrella tip has broken through the skin yet but if you persist in pushing forward like you are I am sure it will pierce my colon".
Realising her umbrella tip had disappeared between my buttocks she apologised and went back to berating the little old man. The fat guy had taken his seat and seeing my seat number just ahead, I made for it like a seagull on a hot chip. Once seated I ducked my head in time, avoiding imminent impalement by the umbrella again as the little old lady spun around announcing the seat opposite the corridor was theirs.
"Put the box on the outside seat and when you take your seat ill pass you the box" the little old lady said to her husband, "Its ok I've got it" the little old guy said trying to manoeuvre passed his umbrella wielding wife. "George please do as I suggest" the old lady went on with and then for the next 5 minutes they argued about the best way to take their seats without harming the box.
They finally got seated when a young lady with a baby sat in the seat beside me and a young couple behind her had stopped and were now peering between their passes and the seats the old couple had taken. "I'm sorry," the young male said to the elderly couple "but you seem to be in our seats".
The little old lady stated that there must have been some mistake because she had taken the seats her boarding pass was marked with. The young guy showed the old lady his tickets and a discussion about seating allocation took place until the airhostess intervened asking for the old ladies ticket and after inspecting it she announced that the old couple indeed where in the wrong seat.
This of course started a new argument about how best to handle the box while they stood to exit the seats they now sat in to move to their allotted seat. Ten minutes later with everyone settled in their respective seats the plane took off. We levelled off at cruising altitude and the pilot announced that we could move about the cabin and it was at this time I felt a twinge low in my belly.
I had never had to take a dump in a plane before and I must admit the idea didn't fill me with a lot of enthusiasm so I ordered coffee and decided to hang on to it until we landed so I could use the terminal rest rooms. After drinking my coffee I tried relaxing and enjoying the flight but the old woman's voice droned on and on as she spoke to her husband until finally it stopped. Hoping she had fallen asleep or suffered a heart attack I looked over to see why she had stopped talking and noticed she had stood and was now heading down the corridor.
The peaceful quiet of the next fifteen minutes was broken on her return and the drone of her voice started again and my need to poop was getting a little more urgent. Deciding that taking a dump on a plane might be an experience and the quiet solitude of the aircraft shitter might be better then listening to the drone of the old woman, I left my seat and headed toward the toilet.
Aircraft toilets are very small and not built for comfort. After locking the door I started unbuttoning my pants when my nose detected a familiar smell, my gaze fell on the stainless steel toilet bowl and the source of the smell became evident.
Jesus ever loving Christ
Curled around inside the bowl was the biggest and firmest turd I have ever laid eyes on. Its girth was close to that of my wrist and it must have been 2 feet long. It resembled a brown prehistoric sea cucumber and if it weren't for my need to shit I would have ran screaming back to my seat.
Turning my head away from the sight as I leaned over the bowl, I pressed the flusher and it occurred to me that the little old lady must have given birth to this creature from hell. After the flush noise stopped I peered inside the bowl ever hopeful that the flusher mechanism had whisked the large brown grogan monster away but to my disdain it remained.
My bowel reminded me of its need and I decided I would just have to add to the mess inside the bowl and pushed my pants down to my knees and held my breath as I hovered my naked butt over the toilet opening. I never place my bare butt on any toilet other then my own so making sure my aim was correct I lowered my bottom to just a couple of inches above the seat still holding my breath when the plane hit some turbulence.
I fell forward and my forehead crashed into the wall in front of me. Rubbing the stinging pain I manoeuvred my butt back over the toilet and just as I was in position more turbulence made me fall sideways and my shoulder crashed into the door.
"Are you all right in there sir?" a soft female voice said from outside.
"Um yes thank you" I answered as I decided to abandon any more attempts at taking a shit because the possibility of crashing through the door and falling into the corridor with my pants around my knees and a turd halfway out of my butt, wasn't something I wanted to deal with.
I made my way back to my seat clenching my butt cheeks as hard as I could and sat motionless for the rest of the flight. When we landed fifteen minutes later I walked to the restroom as quickly as I could without running. Feeling relieved after my ablutions I stood and did my pants up and opening the door to leave the cubicle I felt it hit something, which was followed by the sound of something hitting the floor and glass breaking.
Stepping out of the cubicle I was confronted by the old man that carried the box on the plane. The box now lay on the ground in a pool of water and broken glass and a gold fish flip-flopped around on the tiled floor. Thinking quickly I bent and picked the fish up and dropped it into the toilet bowl I had just taken a shit in.
I felt sorry for the fish but at least it was in water, albeit not sanitary water. "Sorry about that" I said to the old man who had a look of disbelieving horror on his face. I left him peering into the toilet bowl and left the rest rooms and nearly walked into his wife who was waiting outside the door.
Stopping and looking into her face I said "If you don't flush your turds god will punish your goldfish".
User Reviews
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:40:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna be honest Saxon, your infatuation with this whole "leaving atomic turds in the toilet" phenomenon is......it's interesting.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, I think I shat a goldfish.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:40:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76435
You need to catch up on your boshness.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-04 04:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:49:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are people so scared of sitting on public toilets? Unless there is moisture on the seat, there is no reason to be hesitant. You can't catch disease that way.
_______
Because of all the people who hover above toilet seats and splatter shit and piss everywhere. It's a vicious cycle.
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-10-04 04:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure gold man. One of your best posts yet!
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-09-30 15:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-30 14:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-30 14:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahah.... OH yeah..
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-30 10:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POOP STORY LINKWHORE http://www.ubersite.com/m/76140
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-09-30 10:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ewww! Poor fishy
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-30 09:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-30 09:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful,
Not poopreport.com matierial like: http://www.ubersite.com/m/74850 but I still laughed!
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-30 09:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bah ha ha ha ha!
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-30 06:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Using the toilets at Glastonbury at night came with the very real chance that the tip of a runny shit mountain would nudge you on the anus before your buttocks would touch the wet seat.........ahhhh.
other peoples fecies a fuckin run tings!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that wasn't very open-minded of me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU I CAUGHT THE GHEY-AIDS FROM A PUBLIC TOILET
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why are people so scared of sitting on public toilets? Unless there is moisture on the seat, there is no reason to be hesitant. You can't catch disease that way.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was OK, but not quite as good as most of your stuff.
Still +1 material though.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it why wait till your old.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I look forward to being that annoying when I'm old.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-09-30 04:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-30 03:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
never get on a plane I've just gotten off.......on
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-09-30 02:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you checked your ratings lately? It's like +2 central in there.
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-09-30 00:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does God hate goldfish?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-30 00:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon for President!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-30 00:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are the odds that we both post about planes and turds in the same day, Saxon?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76124
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-30 00:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why Bonnie my dear its kind of sudden but OK. you just might have to toilet train me hehehehe.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-09-30 00:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-09-30 00:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! <wipes tear away> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Marry me.