I Really Have To Work On My Communication Skills, or, How Listening to Kenny Chesney Ruined A Relationship. (1177 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.85 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2005-10-03 11:27:55 EDT
I've been told that a serious problem with me is my short temper and my tendency to raise my voice. I say, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!"
The thing is, I absolutely hate it when people say or do the same thing over and over again.
e.g.-
Random Person: "So, what have you been up to?"
Me: "Ah, nothing much, same old stuff, you know, working and whatnot."
2 minutes later:
Same Random Person: "Really though, what have you been up to?"
Me: "Seriously, just working and shit, you know?"
1 minute after that:
This Mother Fucker: "What's new with you?"
Me: "GODDAMMIT, NOTHING, IF YOU INSIST ON ASKING ME THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION OVER AND OVER AGAIN, EXPECT THE SAME FUCKING ANSWER YOU DICK! ACTUALLY DON'T EXCPECT THE SAME ANSWER AGAIN, I WILL TAKE UP HUNTING YOUR FAMILY PETS IF YOU ASK ME THE SAME HORSESHIT QUESTION ONE MORE TIME!!"
Asshole: "WTF man? You've got serious anger issues"
See, the problem lies in the fact that on the second repetition, I didn't calmly say something witty like, "Nothing has changed in the last 2 minutes" and just laughed it off, because by the third time someone asks me the same question, or does the same annoying thing, I am ready to kick some ass.
That being said, the title will start to come into focus.
I've made many mistakes in my relatively short time on this earth. The biggest of which was letting my significant other move in with me.
There are 2 facts you must be aware of before we move on:
One, we moved to a new city together, and we were sharing my vehicle because my work was so close to the house, and parking is a bitch here, and the price of a new vehicle, and a number of other reasons.
Two, shortly after moving in, the fridge we bought had a refrigerant leak spoiling all of the food in there at the time. Needless to say, we cleaned the entire thing out...at least we thought we did.
I had to be up early for work in the morning, and she didn't go in until after 2 pm, so I used to come home on my lunch break and have her drop me off back at work so she could take the car. Since I only have 45 minutes for lunch, she used to have my lunch ready for me when I came to pick her up.
Now she's no cook. I just want to say that right off the bat. Of course that wasn't the reason I was with her. She used to do this thing with her tongue that was...oh, sorry.
So Monday rolls around and I'm picking her up for work. She fixes me her favorite all out dish: Cheese sandwich w/mayo. Exciting. I have to bust my ass all damn day (read: play on the internet) and the only thing I get out of it is a lousy cheese sandwich? Fuck me!
I take my first bite into the treat and I can only liken it to spraying a can of R-12 directly into my sinus cavity. Apparently, we had missed the pack of American Singles when we cleaned out the fridge.
The face I made must have been something awful, as her eyes started to tear up after my first bite. Of course by this time, my eyes had started tearing up as well, but not from hurt feelings more than the ingestion of dichlorodifluoromethane.
"What's wrong Dan, isn't the lunch I made for you ok?" she said with tears welling up in her pretty brown eyes.
The only thing I can think of at this point is that Kenny Chesney song, "The Good Stuff" and the line where he says, "Eatin' burnt suppers the whole first year, and askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up, yeah man that's the good stuff".
This was probably due to the fact that I had been listening to country music all day, and the fact that my brain had shut down all but vital life functions. I reply, "Naw girl, it's the good stuff."
After my return to the office I immediately took the most direct route to the rest room, and wretched with mighty force until I dislocated a lung, and blacked out.
Tuesday: Same routine, and I am getting home for a quick lunch. What I see on the table before me was frighteningly intelligent, as if the chemicals in the cheese had given it a will of it's own. I stared at it, and it stared back, sharing an unspoken conversation that involved it daring me to back down and cause the love of my life great pain.
"I thought that since you liked it so much yesterday that I would make it for you again" she says with a kind smile.
I must have blocked from my memory whatever occurred following, because the next thing I remember, it was Wednesday and I was headed back to the house for lunch again.
As I walked in the front door, still trying to put the pieces of my life for the last 24 hours together, I see it again. She is standing next to that "thing" on the dining room table with a smile that makes me let out a maniacal laugh. I get a crazy look in my eye, and make a quick break for the sandwich. This test of wills had gone on long enough and I was at the breaking point.
I grabbed the sandwich and gave her a look of pure hate as I yell incoherently, "TAKE A BITE OUT OF THIS YA BASTARD, SEE WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME".
She gives me a look of confusion.
"EAT IT YOU BITCH, I WANT YOU TO HAVE A TASTE OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL!" At this point I am waving the sandwich around like a baton to emphasize my point, slinging mayo all over the place.
Now, a look of fright.
I stride up to her and put the sandwich up to her mouth and simply say, "BITE!"
Her face went from frightened, to confusion, back to frightened again (she only has 2 expressions here folks) and she spits the half masticated mouthful across the dining room and into the kitchen.
"What the hell is wrong with it?" she asks.
I explain to her the underlying principles of Freon, Genetron, and Forane, and she asks me, "Jesus, why didn't you say something sooner?"
Fuck you Kenny Chesney.
After that fateful day, the relationship was never the same. She thought I had trust issues, and I thought she was trying to kill me for life insurance. We broke up just a month later. I guess it worked out for the best, though I haven't been able to eat American cheese since.
User Reviews
Submitted by Targa (user info) at 2007-01-08 04:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt like crying a little bit. Twice. Once for poor you wretching after trying to be nice, and then again when the poor girl was trying not to cry from your not liking her lunches.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-01-08 03:15:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure how I ended up here (again) but it made me laugh (again), so I guess here's another +2.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-10-25 14:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"This cheese on toast isn't done"
"It's fine."
"No, look, it's all floppy"
"So it's cheese on bread. Eat it."
"Bu-"
"I PUT THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF CHEESE ON IT AND YOU WILL EAT IT BY GOD"
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-25 14:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my god that's gross.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-07-26 11:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did not get to read this yet, but I hate Kenny Chesney (if he's a country singer) and I sometimes do not communicate well. It's an attention span problem I think
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-07-25 20:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have issues.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-14 20:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:38:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
"EAT IT YOU BITCH, I WANT YOU TO HAVE A TASTE OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL!" At this point I am waving the sandwich around like a baton to emphasize my point, slinging mayo all over the place.
Ha, sounds like my Saturday night.
---------------------
"You were at temple for christ's sake"
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-10-11 12:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
GO SOX WOO!!!
WOO
WOO
WOO
EAT THAT SLICK COCK
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-04 09:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:36:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan, country music sucks, but this was really funny...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-03 19:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah wall, as long as it was American cheese, you're not missing anything really...
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-03 14:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have had one of those experinces, shrimp pastery puffs!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-03 14:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
solid.
who the fuck are you?
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...
what's new with you now?
Submitted by tamcginn (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to stop drinking coffee when I read this shit! Too funny
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dan, country music sucks, but this was really funny...
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing that pisses me off more than someone asking "What's up?" about fifty times, is when I greet someone by saying "How's it going?" and they respond with "What's up?" like it's a fucking answer.
And also, my boyfriend has done this to me before...he made mac & cheese three nights in a row with milk that had been expired for at least a week. The third time I locked him out on the patio in his bare feet without a jacket. For three hours. Revenge is so sweet.
Submitted by keitsith (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just...rofl lol lol lmfao
well, i guess you could start taking the little pink pills, you know, the ones that make you feel smooth during daytime. yeah, gotta work on that, pal.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha! This was pretty funny.
At least you know you have communication issues though. When someone asks what you've been up to, copping out by saying "Oh, you know, just work & stuff" is a pet hate of mine. It smacks of poor social skills.
Learn to make small talk. It doesn't actually matter what you talk about, but if you use an excited/interesting tone, the fact that you've spent the last 3 Saturday nights at home alone masturbating to Cartman's mum while watching South Park is of little consequence.
What?
I can't be the only one who does that.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:38:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
"EAT IT YOU BITCH, I WANT YOU TO HAVE A TASTE OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL!" At this point I am waving the sandwich around like a baton to emphasize my point, slinging mayo all over the place.
Ha, sounds like my Saturday night.
-----------------------
Sounds like my saturday night, too. Only, it wasn't a sandwich I was waving around, and I was only slinging something that kind of looked like mayo with approximately the same salt content.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing says "This is no good." like spitting up the contents of your mouth back onto the plate.
I forget which film it was in, but it was some mafia guy unimpressed with some cooking.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your anger will destroy your life and the lives of the people who love you.
Be sure to post about it so that strangers can laugh at you.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had something like this happen once. I just smiled and kept eating it. Ever since then I try to give a little input on what I want to eat before it's made.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"EAT IT YOU BITCH, I WANT YOU TO HAVE A TASTE OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL!" At this point I am waving the sandwich around like a baton to emphasize my point, slinging mayo all over the place.
Ha, sounds like my Saturday night.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post I've read on here for a while.
Thanks.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-03 11:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<insert witticism about cheese and girls mouths here>