You Can't Plinko For Shit You Dumb Whore (1738 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-10-03 12:11:59 EDT
Are you fucking retarded, lady? Because if so, I'll give you a pass. But anything short of Downs would officially make you the worst Plinko player in the history of "The Price Is Right"! And this show has been on since World War One. Bob Barker started it in 1917 as a patriotic service to keep war brides distracted from the bloodshed raging on the Western Front. TPIR has been rolling ever since.
And in all of that time, never has there been a Plinko contestant who has rivaled you in sheer impotence and stupidity.
Just look at yourself. You have one Plinko chip. One goddamned chip to play with. And that's the free disk that Mr. Barker, in his unfailingly magnanimous nature, saw fit to GIVE you, despite the fact that you guessed NONE of the prices correctly on any of the four common, everyday grocery items that were presented before you.
Speaking of which, I have a question for you, dumb whore; a nagging little query that I couldn't help but reflect upon throughout your truly atrocious Plinko performance thus far: Have you ever actually entered a grocery store in your entire life? And are you familiar with the commerce system that has long been established here in the United States, in which goods are exchanged for monetary compensation? If so, are you aware that the amount of money exchanged for said items- the "price" if you will- remains fairly consistent throughout the country at any given time?
I am forced to assume that you are not. What other reason could there possibly be for you to guess that a twenty-two ounce bottle of Selsun Blue Shampoo would cost $11.99 rather than $5.99?
Have you never purchased a bottle of shampoo? Do you go through life with unclean hair? Or do you make your own shampoo at home with spices and herbs from your garden? What other possible excuse could you have for thinking that a bottle of fucking Selsun Blue Shampoo costs twelve fucking dollars!?
Imbecile!
And are you honestly going to tell me that you are of the belief that you can get a box of Quaker Oats Instant Oatmeal for $1.99 rather than $3.99? It was a variety pack of four different flavors, bitch! Eight individual pouches! What kind of fucking dream world are you living in where you can get a quality oatmeal product like that for two bucks? Because I want to start fucking shopping there!
So now there you stand, atop the historic Plinko board, looking over the precipice of morning game show destiny, clinging to your one, sad, unearned Plinko chip. And you're debating where to drop it. Right now you have it poised directly above the $10,000 spot, as if the fucking thing is going to drop straight down.
Now even if you have never seen this game before, surely you must have at least a loose grasp of general physics and the concept of gravity. Do you not think it might hit a couple of those spokes on the way down? Don't you think that might disrupt the trajectory of the chip a bit, you cretin?
Jesus!
As if I didn't have a hard enough time watching the "Cliff Hanger" game today. That stupid Marine couldn't price his way out of a paper bag. And it was with great pleasure that I watched the yodeling mountain climber plummet off the cliff, robbing "Private Retard" of that handsome home entertainment package that included a Lazy Boy Recliner, a Panasonic Plasma Screen TV and a Jolly Time Old Fashioned Popcorn Machine, "Jolly Time, Something Good Is Popping Up."
And now I'm subjected to this wretched Plinko display. And do you know what the worst part is? Regardless of your miserable showing, you still get to spin the Prize Wheel. Simply because you won your way on stage by bidding one dollar on that ProForm Treadmill. And you only bid that because the audience screamed it at you incessantly. You probably didn't even know what you were saying. You were just repeating a sound you heard like some witless Mynah bird.
And because the Prize Wheel involves no skill or intelligence whatsoever, you might even end up in the Showcase Showdown. Of course, that's assuming that you can grasp that you are supposed to spin the wheel, and you don't try to eat it or bang your head on it: two scenarios that I consider alarmingly possible. Rod Roddy would roll over in his rhinestone-encrusted casket.
It would almost be worth it to see you get to the Showdown though. The result could be highly entertaining. Seeing as how you were baffled when forced to decide whether a box of Crispix Cereal was $4.99 or $8.99, it would be sadistically fun to watch your mind reel as you tried to tally the cumulative worth of a set of golf clubs, a trip to Portugal and a dune buggy. You'd probably get really confused and end up bidding "Hot Dog", or something equally inane and amusing.
So you've finally decided to drop your lone Plinko Chip, at Bob Barker's kind but firm insistence. You watch painfully as it ricochets around briefly and then lands in the "Zero Dollar" slot.
Bob feigns compassion, but we all know he was rooting against you too. The morons that he has endured during his impressive tenor on this show must eventually wear on his patience. I'm sure he would agree with me when I implore you to do society as a whole a service by ensuring that you never reproduce. Have yourself spayed or neutered.
You're lucky Bob Barker pulls so much ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking brilliant
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-03-19 22:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your posts are damned good.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51671
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-10 19:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2005-10-10 09:29:13 (#)
Ranking: -2
:P
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What a tool.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-10 18:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-03 16:23:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
sry, meant to +2
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2005-10-10 09:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
:P
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-10-09 20:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. I am the biggest Price is Right fan ever. Ok, maybe not, but I love it just the same. Did you ever see the one where the guy's middle name was Plinko? It's true... he showed us his ID. His parents were big fans.
Submitted by Vix (user info) at 2005-10-09 18:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Man, spot on, spot on. The patience that Bob and his bevy of skanks have is imesurable.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I had to take a shit a minute ago, but then I read your post, and I don't have to shit now. Your post was so shitty that my shit could not exist on the Earth at the same time anymore and disappeared.
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If you think that's funny, you should ask Average Dan why he cut and pasted it without giving me credit for writing it in the first place.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76637
Not to be trivial or anything, but it pisses me off that someone would steal my shit blatantly.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
wow.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:15:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:31:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamit, I had to come back and +2 this again, I forgot it was you who put this on here!
Fine work, You should have read my reply to my ex last week. It makes this look like a love letter.
On an unrelated note, someone sent me a voicemail with just the sound of a shotgun blast,
and a body hitting the ground. I wonder who that could have been?
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I wouldn't worry about the shotgun blast at all.
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Hahah, what's your email addy mike?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-05 11:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read here. Yup, good stuff.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THOOPER!
Submitted by Hexidecimal (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff, i love on the show when they cut away for a reaction shot of bob barker and one of his beauties is slapping him for getting "fresh"
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. and I mean that in a good way. Not a "wow, you are truly one fucked up individual" but more like a "wow, this was awesome as shit even though the topic of the story was price as right gaming" type of Wows.
Submitted by tamcginn (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny...I didn't even know TPIR was still on TV!
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2005-10-04 15:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Sweet.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-04 14:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamn this was funny. I actually had to come back and +2 it again.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-04 10:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-10-04 05:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd probably get really confused and end up bidding "Hot Dog"
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HAR HAR !!!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-03 17:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah...this is only semi-funny.
=)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-03 16:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sry, meant to +2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-03 16:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plinko is second only to that little guy in lederhosen that climbs the mountain, yodeling all the way up until he meets his demise at the top and plummets to a rocky death below.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-10-03 16:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What kind of fucking dream world are you living in where you can get a quality oatmeal product like that for two bucks?"
Theres your plus 2.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75624
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-03 15:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
GOD DAMN YOU YOU FUCKER NOW I HAVE THAT YODELING FROM CLIFF HANGER STUCK IN MY HEAD LIKE SOME NAZI SS HOLDOUTS IN BERCHTESGADEN.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-10-03 14:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:15:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous rant
I think that if someone bids one dollar more than you to get on the show, you should get one free shot at them.
Oh man, I watched one day and one girl kept getting screwed. Every single time she bid, the guy after her bid $1 more. Every fucking time. He eventually got on stage, but I think it was the last chance to go.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-03 14:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, someone link the column in the onion.
I can't find it.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-03 14:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ditto what tinactin said. Good timing there...
I can't watch Price is Right without Rod Roddy. It feels like cheating.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:50:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How many times have I screamed that at the TV? I mean all of it, all ten paragraphs.
Submitted by Curly (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just caught Dane Cook doing a riff on the price is right, last night on Insomniac
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fabulous rant
I think that if someone bids one dollar more than you to get on the show, you should get one free shot at them.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Used to watch that all the time on summer vacation. Plinko was the best game ever.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-03 13:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<sigh>
2005 season = heartbreaker
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Barker should have broke her neck and left her spasming body for the vultures on top of the pinko machine.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This had me in hysterics.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You happen to watch the insomniac Tour on Comedy Central, last night? That Dane Cook is one funny dude. He had a bit about TPIR.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hate, Hate, Hate!!
*chanting*
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me feel a lot better about the stupidity of my roommates, who deem it necessary to shout that the cigars they are smoking are cigars, and not, in fact, cigars...
duck-fucking dumbass nitwits...
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, wow, and I thought I blew up at random shit.
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get an ulcer whenever I catch that game.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your rage is impressive!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Maybe you could provide a link next time?
PS - Notre Dame sucks.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:19:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
All right, I take it back. So you're that guy, huh? I'm impressed.
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Could we maybe do some research next time?
Rather than slam the -2 in my face.
I'm still rather hungover from a weekend of serious drinking and ass beating.
I was in W. Lafayette for the ND game.
Boy do we kick ass.
GOOOOO IRISH
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All right, I take it back. So you're that guy, huh? I'm impressed.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:16:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
Yep, I've definitely read this before.
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Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:15:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
The Onion?
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Check who submitted it.
Idiots.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yep, I've definitely read this before.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-03 12:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The Onion?