The Great Protectors (574 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.33 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by paranormalfan (View user info) at 2005-10-04 01:13:26 EDT
OK, here's the inside scoop on a small-town America police force.
This is probably not the only department like this in the country, but it's an example. All this shit is true, no poetic license used. I have the inside scoop on all this and I know it is factual.
If people really knew who the cops were, they would all sleep with guns under their mattresses.
For this department, let's call it Podunk PD. I will go through the ranks and outline the personalities.
Patrol Officer "20" - This position has never actually been held, due to the enormous amount of turnover in the department caused by piss poor leadership and the horrible reputation that does not make the Town of Podunk an "employer of choice". This place couldn't retain employees if they handcuffed tham to the building. Guys would chew their arms off to escape.
Patrol Officer "19" - This position has not been held for even a whole year at a time. The last one to hold this position was an out - of - the - closet lesbian who got hired because she had an attorney on retainer from some gay rights organization, went to the police academy and lasted 7 weeks, quit the academy because she felt she was being harassed, sued the state and won, causing the state to retool the police academy to be "kinder and gentler" (um...it's supposed to be hard, like boot camp). THEN, she got a second crack at the academy and dropped out after 4 weeks because she couldn't hack it. She's all done. Yeah, if I called 9-1-1 I'd want that fucking dike showing up to help me. NOT. Oh yeah, she also had an affair with another lesbian cop behind her girlfriend's back.
Patrol Officer "18" - A little too sensitive, don't know how long he can cut it. At least he might make it through the academy.
Patrol Officer "17" - a transfer from a neighboring town. One of the worst backstabbing cocksuckers and rumor-mongers anyone ever met. Has this annoying full-body twitch like a palsy or something. Yeah, I'd want this guy firing a gun. He'd probably jerk and hit a school bus or something. Plus he's in his twenties and bald, and he likes to fuck fat chicks. Ugly fat chicks.
Patrol Officer "16" - a woman cop, the kind that gives all woman cops a bad name. Transferred from another department, where she fucked at least 3 guys she worked with, including supervisors, wrecked one guy's marriage, and then was made a supervisor herself. After that, she couldn't stay there because of the reputation she made for herself in the city, so she left and came to Podunk, where she fucked 4 guys (that we know of) in less than 2 years. Oh yeah, did I mention she's married, too? Not even remotely attractive, she is a skinny, flat-chested, patronizing whore with dyed, permed hair who had 2 kids out of wedlock but puts out, so some guys just think she walks on water. I bet her pussy is so loose it feels like throwing a hot dog down a hallway when guys fuck her. She also can't write intelligently or spell, and she is basically a dumb redneck who started her work career as a fucking hairstylist. She weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet and would be absolutely useless in a fight. Yeah, I'd want her to come try to drag my ass out of a burning car at a roadside wreck. She also wears so much goddam makeup to work that she looks like she cruised through the fucking spray booth at Maaco with her fucking car window open. Basically a fucking whore. The administration just adores her. Hell, EVERBODY adores an easy lay. You know what? Fucking somebody is just no fun at all unless you have to work for it just a little.
Patrol Officer "15" - Fundamentally too good of a guy to be a cop. Born-again Christian, was a minister for awhile, then went the cop route. But, he was in the Army and spent a year in Iraq, so he deserves props. This guy is stiff as a sheet of plywood though. Everything's black and white - if you're going 5 over the speed limit, bang, you get a ticket. That's the way the guy is.
Patrol Officer "14" - Good old boy from a redneck county where men are men and sheep are scared. Dips snuff, hunts, all that stuff. Acts like a good guy then stabs someone in the back because everyone else decided to do it. A born follower. No fucking integrity or ability to think for himself, this cat can be led like he has a ring through his fucking nose.
Patrol Officer "13" - Another good old boy redneck, but has the guts and integrity NOT to be a follower. Has values and principles. The PD will destroy his ass over time.
Patrol Officer/Detective "12" - This guy is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Transfer from another city, one which is the laughingstock of the state. Got his first cop job because he helped a corrupt Chief in that other city bilk money from the taxpayers through a boondoggle fictitious computer company that got the bid to revamp that city's computers. Transferred to Podunk and immediately inserted his head as far up the Chief's ass as he could, building computers for the Chief and all his friends and family. Married to one of the ugliest women I've ever seen, he hits on secretaries, and anything else that moves. (Although he never gets laid - with one exception - "Patrol Officer 16", who will sleep with anyone) Who can blame him, when his wife could scare the fucking paint off a car? She's got a big old gap in her front teeth that she could surely win a watermelon seed spitting contest with. And she's fat. This fucking idiot is no detective either - he couldn't catch a cold at an inner-city free clinic in November, let alone any criminals. He also wastes the taxpayers' money by driving his unmarked city-owned car for his personal use, which includes shopping trips and trysts with "Patrol Officer 16" at various hotels out of state.
Patrol Officer "11" - This guy is a workout freak but not very bright, as is the case with most fitness buffs. Here's a prime example: He fucked the biggest whore (other than "Patrol Officer 16") who ever worked for the department, and even ate her pussy (and therefore sucked about 1,000 dicks by proxy) on the trunk of a police car while they were both on duty. Then he told his wife about it because he felt guilty. This cat's wife is a homely piece herself. She's built like Olive Oyl from the "Popeye" comic strip. His wife didn't divorce him (because she's a lazy bitch who needs his paycheck as she doesn't work at all), but she to this day refuses to let him eat her out as she claims that since he did that with another woman, he shouldn't be allowed to do it with her. She arrives at the station on payday every week about 10 minutes after the checks are cut and grabs it before he can get it himself. The fucking administration lets her do this. This moron is the School Resource Officer, so he's not even a real street cop. He hangs out in the school all day and lets the taxpayers feed him a free lunch while the other cops have to pay for theirs or brown-bag it every day. Someday his wife will leave his sorry ass and take his savings, his house, his car, and his pension, then he will eat his gun.
Patrol Officer "10" - Cranky "old school" cop who bitches all the time about how bad the job sucks at this department. Always the fall guy for anything that goes wrong, this poor dumb bastard drinks himself to sleep alone every night and works 2 jobs on the side. Just doesn't give a shit about anything or anybody anymore. Hey, it's a paycheck. He'll die of liver cirrhosis before he hits 50.
Patrol Officer "9" - This guy is absolutely in love with himself. He thinks he's the second coming of Elvis, his hero, and he thinks he can bed any woman he looks at. Conceited, self-centered, self-righteous, this dude looks and acts like "Ponch" from the old 1970's TV show "ChiPs". Nearing mid-life crisis, he has bought several apartment buildings and is a slumlord. Recently bought himself a Mercedes (used) so that he can have a better image. Used to do steroids when he was a bodybuilder. Got busted for cocaine possession before he was a cop, and managed to get fired from another PD for drinking ON THE JOB but still got hired by Podunk. He will surely die at the hands of a jealous husband when he is caught fucking the wrong woman...that is, if his nuts haven't shriveled up from the steroid use.
Patrol Officer "8" - A genuinely good guy that reminds one of "Eeyore" from Winnie the Pooh. Doesn't get real excited about anything, but has guts and integrity and doesn't get into the backstabbing that everyone else does.
Sergeant "7" - Was married to a hideous fat chick, then decided he'd be gay after he found out a past Sergeant fucked his wife for years. He just came right out of the closet after that. This guy is a pretty boy who fancies himself an intellectual. His problem is that he can't drive. He has wrecked a police car at least 10 times during a 7-year career. Rumor has it he falls asleep at the wheel and hits bridges, houses, mailboxes, road signs, and other fixed objects. Some night he will hit a person or another car and cost the city a whole lot of money.
Sergeant "6" - This guy is a complete loose cannon. If it goes "bang" or you can injure someone with it, he's into it. He's the firearms instructor. He is so good at this job that he actually made it possible for another cop (Sergeant "5") to SHOOT HIMSELF WITH HIS OWN GUN and almost shoot another cop at the range one day. Sgt. "6" walks around the station playing with his baton and loves to find any excuse to draw a weapon of any sort on anybody for any reason. In high school, he was a band geek that everybody picked on. He's got 2 kids that aren't even his.
Sergeant "5" - This is the idiot that shot himself with his own gun. That got him promoted. Between shooting himself and being two-faced and having his head way up the Chief's ass, he was a shoo-in for promotion. Nobody at Podunk PD gets anything based on merit.
Sergeant "4" - An honest man who is fair to all and whose only drawback is a bad comb-over. Good old-school cop. Takes care of people.
Lieutenant "3" - This guy is a real fucking moron. In high school, he was actually run up the flagpole. Everybody hated him and he was a conceited little snot. He became a part-time cop and got bagged for driving while intoxicated while he was a part-time cop, but managed to parlay that experience into a full time cop job. Now he's a reformed alcoholic who thinks he can do no wrong. This idiot can't run a fucking thing, and he's in charge of the whole patrol. He can't write a coherent sentence, he is the master of the run-on, doesn't even comprehend how to use spell-check, and is a pervert. He used to investigate sex crimes, and he would sit and giggle while he told stories of men standing over an 11-year old girl in a sleeping bag while they beat off all over said sleeping bag. This sick cocksucker laughed at shit like that. He shouldn't be a cop, he should be on a sex offender registry somewhere, and probably will be before he dies.
Captain "2" - Nobody actually knows what this guy's function is, but he can run fast, is skinny, and has a fucking cell phone growing out of his ear. He is at least fair and has some integrity, when he's at work. Nobody's seen him in a while...I think he finally contacted the mother ship via his cell phone and was beamed aboard and isn't returning to Earth.
Chief "1" - A corrupt, philandering sonofawhore. This asshole came up through the ranks. He was married for awhile to a female employee, whom he cheated on with 1) a whore that worked at Dunkin' Donuts (go figure!) and 2) the UGLIEST, dumbest female cop that ever worked at the PD. The dumb whore female cop got fired for banging the Chief, but she landed one city over and got a job at that PD and started as a detective. The Chief and the dumb female ugly cop whore are now married, further proving this guy's ignorance.
That's all there is to tell. This is an example of who is protecting us at night while we sleep and protecting our stuff during the day while we are at work.
Pretty fucking sad, huh? I'm sure it's happening to some extent in your town too.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-03-14 12:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves a higher rating...
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-04 05:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In my home town the law consisted of one overweight policeman in a patroll car who came to the town once a week to sit outside the supermarket to eat pies....................and there was no crime.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-10-04 05:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope one of them kills you.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-10-04 02:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so, what are we going for here? is this the usual "COPS ARE PIGS" kinda riot? i'm not really sure weather to get the posterboard and gas masks, or... or what.
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-04 01:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I would keep cop #16 and pair her with my buddy who's a cop on my local PD. He has a boombox in the back and likes to smoke blunts in the parking lot of Burger King.
She would be honkin'
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-10-04 01:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 because I'm from a different Podunk and it's (at least according to rumor) just like that.
-2 because you have no evidence.
and actually, another -2 because I DON'T CARE.