She's called to beat me clean (2216 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dude, thats BOSH! (View user info) at 2005-10-04 13:16:43 EDT
Jonas Weatherling sat at his desk late one Tuesday morning clicking the 'back' button on his web browser, cycling through hotel fares on exotic islands that he could never afford. Not on his salary at least. He hated Tuesdays. He hated everyday. Lousy wife and a lousy job.
Work was slow that day.
"The phone hasn't rang in half an hour" he thought.
His chin lay resting on his hands as his eyes became fixed on a design he thought he saw in the partition that separated his cube from Kim's. He started imagining himself on stage with 'The Who', wailing on his guitar as the crowd erupted into tens of thousands of cheers. He imagined his wife at home with another man, and what he would do if he caught them. He imagined that the lottery ticket he bought this morning was the winner, and what he would do with the money. He started thinking about his life. Wife, kids, dog, house, two car garage, mortgage, divorce, weekends, mowing the lawn, work, shopping, neighbors, taxes, gas prices, politics..........
His eyes started to burn ..how long had it been since he last blinked? He sat there wondering when Eric came to his cube and disturbed his daydreaming.
Eric hadn't so much as placed his hand on Jonas's shoulder when he spun his chair around and stuck a box cutter into his gut. The surprised look on his face was only surpassed by the amount of blood that dropped to the office carpet in bringing Jonas joy. A few people rushed over to help Eric, who now had a set of gills carved into his abdomen, but he was all but beyond hope. Jonas's bloodlust reached its peak.
His eyes widened as he breathed heavily through his clenched teeth as he grabbed for the person nearest him and carved through human flesh with his box cutter as if it was a machete slashing a path through vegetation.
He ripped the blade off of a paper cutter and decapitated three co-workers with it. At this point you could hardly tell that he, or anyone around him, had worn a white shirt to work that day.
Jonas stuck his boss with the two foot blade straight through his gut. His boss backed up against a wall and slowly slouched his way down to a sitting position as Jonas's breathing reached a point of near hyperventilation. He examined the room. Eric, Mike, Geri, Kim, Roger, Jamie, Kevin ..all dead. Jonas helped his boss, who was struggling with his last breaths of air, to his feet. He looked him right in the eye and grabbed the blade still stuck in his boss. Jonas slowly started twisting the blade clockwise, almost smiling at each scream of pain. When he finally passed, Jonas threw his lifeless corpse through the window which separates the two sales floors.
Everyone that was too slow or too stupid to leave or overpower Jonas, was dead. He walked around the destroyed sales department and lit up a cigarette. Glass crunching under his shoes, puddles of blood splattering at his feet if he stepped down too hard.
Finally he crouched down in the corner and started humming the tune to 'Black Queen' which he heard by Steven Stills on the way into work that morning.
Suddenly from behind someone grabbed his shoulder and spun him around
--
"Jonas! Wake up man.. what are you doin?? Boss will kill you if he catches you asleepin at your desk again!"
"I know Eric, and he will catch me sleepin because you're always the one to tell him about it"
Eric scowled and walked back to his cube.
Jonas's phone rang. It was a customer from somewhere out west. He really didn't care.
'Black Queen' came on the radio and Jonas put a smile on his face for the first time all month.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-02-13 23:11:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bosh.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm clapping excitedly
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:23:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In light of this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/74696#1576070
I give you this:
suc·cess ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sk-ss)
n.
1. The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted: attributed their success in business to hard work.
2. The gaining of fame or prosperity: an artist spoiled by success.
3. The extent of such gain.
4. One that is successful: The plan was a success.
5. (Obsolete) A result or an outcome.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-10-08 14:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-04 17:30:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work, better than all your other bosh posts
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-08 13:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75174#1629205
I do, and here's your +2 - not only because I keep my word, but because you earned it with this post.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy hell!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-05 12:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is better. Stick with this kind of stuff and you'll make a fan out of me.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-05 04:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 but wadthyafug
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-05 04:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh to dream....
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2005-10-05 03:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I clapped excitedly the whole time I read this
... and now Im nodding in agreement
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-05 01:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Shit Bosh Man... This was evecellent!!!
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot of people dont get NASCAR but Im a true Texas bred redneck. Its in my blood. Those races are just a giant tailgate party with enough drunken pussy to go around. How could you not like that? Fucking uncivilized heathens. Isnt Sharpie pissed off at Kurt and ready to have him executed?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about Blaney.. is he still alive? haha don't answer that.
I went to the two races in Louden, NH this year and bought one of his shirts.
Not because I like him, but because he drives the #9 car..
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, yeah. I just refuse to acknowlege the bastard. I fucking love NASCAR.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wait ..even Method liked this?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Last I checked Ryan Newman is in the top 3 in points for the race!
And yes, Kurt Busch should be set on fire and extinguished with gasoline.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who the fuck is Ryan Newman?
In other news Kurt Busch is a fag and has no place in NASCAR.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm also suprised noone has mentioned what the title has to do with the story!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-05 00:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow
Thanks everyone.
To be honest this was a draft that I typed into the 'submit' box this morning. I just re-read it and thought it might have been a little too choppy in a few places to deserve such reviews.
Submitted by LamRoKi (user info) at 2005-10-04 23:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ChronicMasturbator (user info) at 2005-10-04 23:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-04 22:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-04 21:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a feeling you could do this kind of stuff.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-04 20:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well this caught me off guard
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-04 20:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*ovates*
*standing ovates*
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-04 20:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bosh, I have come back and read this several times. You deserve better than a +1 from me on this. This is Laymon kind of horror, and I like it. Should have given you the +2 this morning.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-04 17:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...very impressive!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-04 17:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work, better than all your other bosh posts
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-04 16:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
much better
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-10-04 14:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Atta baby, Bosh. Showing a little versatility today, eh?
<lighting 9 cigarettes>
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-10-04 14:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more nodding in agreement.
no, seriously, this was kind of fun. i think that you and i would get along famously.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-04 14:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so me...
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a little known fact that F. Scott Fitzgerald was so insecure about his penis size, (thanks to his lovely wife Zelda) that while an expatriot in France, his good friend Ernest Hemingway took him to a statue in a park and made Fitzgerald compare his penis with the stone carved on.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by VengefulDaddy (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
I'd like to see another version in which the troubled worker is the boss, who dismembers his lazy, ineffective, under-achieving staff of clock watchers.
Man. I need a fucking vacation.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He walked around the destroyed sales department and lit up a cigarette.
________
while clapping excitedly :)
good stuff bosh! i like your other posts and these kind of posts too. you obviously got skillz.
Submitted by whocares229 (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool stuff
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
top notch
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A boy can dream, huh?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
naw its me.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or is this your dad on your account while you are in school?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, maybe you don't suck as much as I thought you did.
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story... stick to stuff like this.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, uhm...... BOSH?!?!?!?!?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-04 13:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like this much better than the Bosh stuff. This is the stuff that I am afraid many people we think are normal are actually thinking at their desks. Good classical beginnings of horror.