The Avian Flew... (1755 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2005-10-05 10:30:30 EDT
If you know me in person then there is a good chance that you this about me...I'm kinda deathly afraid of animals. Sure I'm scared of Vampire Bats and Hippopotamuses and stuff, that's a given, but I also freak out if squirrels get too close to me. That day when a squirrel maul-rapes my face is the day when I'll get to say "told ya so."
"Well, Zone, looks like I'm canceling our date at the Zoo." Says my girl-boyfriend.
No. Zoo's I can handle. I can deal with animals in their natural environments; behind Plexiglas and steel bars...it's those pesky ones that walk the earth/NYC that freak me the fuck out.
Today's story is totally truth.
On Monday I had a very important meeting with some TV people; the details of that meeting will be a post of its own in the future. I knew I had to look nice, so I decided to break out the "nice shirt." Sadly, the nice shirt was located under a pile of not-so-nice shirts and it came out of that laundry scrum quite wrinkled. Having no time to get myself to a dry cleaners, and also no knowledge of how-to iron, let alone having an iron or ironing board, I decide to steam it up.
Steaming-it-up involves turning the shower on super-scalding-magma hot and hanging the shirt on the shower rod, letting the steam take over and in turn flattening out all the wrinkles. Works like a charm, plus it doubles as a ghetto sauna. Nothing funny or scary happened during the steaming process besides me slipping on the slick floor and nearly cracking open my head on the toilet...so I guess something funny and scary did happen, hmmm? Shall we call this foreshadowing?
Anyway, after about 15 minutes of steamy goodness I go back into the bathroom and its sauna-rific. I grab the shirt, and it looks better than ever before. Perfect. I think to myself "You know, everything is working out alright." I put it on and I look dapper. I crack open the window, to let the steam out and I shut the bathroom door behind me. I soldier on into my room and continue the "getting ready."
15 minutes elapse and I need to look in the mirror. I head back to the bathroom. A Hitchcock movie is playing on the TV as I pass it. I open the bathroom door, and am comforted by the still steaminess of the bano. All this moisture makes me want to pee, so I lift the seat and begin to stream liquid waste. Then, in that moment of mid-pee, a fucking sparrow flies from behind the shower curtain and starts having a shit-fit all around the bathroom. Here I am, penis in hand, freaking out and screaming with my piss squirting everywhere like a drunken firefighter all alone on the hose.
And when I scream, I scream like a bitch. We're talkin' high pitch wails. I pee all over EVERYTHING!!! The bird is flying in crazy criss-cross patterns all over the ceiling. The brunt of the pee-damage was the box of Maxim Magazines next to the toilet. If you were in the next room, you'd think I was being mauled by a liger. Just at the moment I was done peeing on everything, the bird flew out the crack of the window. A calm fell over me. My nice shirt was ruined, yes I peed on it.
In retrospect, I feel bad a.) for myself, and more importantly, b.) for the bird. This poor bird was flying by and noticed some nice steam coming out a window and needed some of it. The pre-historic caveman part of the bird brain was attracted by the steam, as if it was a sparrow in BC times in the Amazon. Then I had to come in there waving my penis and screaming and ruining the birds day.
The bird also shit in my bathtub.
As I walked to my meeting, in my not-as-nice backup shirt, I felt as though all of nature was laughing at me. The squirrels were gossiping on the telephone wires, the birds were tweeting "piss-bitch" to me as they passed in the air. Even the neighborhood dogs were shaking their heads in disapproval as I walked by. ]
Luckily, there were no fauna at the TV meeting.
Oh Uber, I told my roommates that I had to get rid of the Maxims because they were old, and we were running out of room.
Will
User Reviews
Submitted by bento (user info) at 2006-01-26 23:27:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
FART!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-06 08:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2005-10-05 19:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha..
aaaaaahhh. oh my god, that totally made me break out laughing while i was on a call with someone...thanks
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking birds. I once had a bird shit on my coat while I was riding my bike to school, so I wiped it on this fat girls lock. It was so funny when we saw her trying to get the lock on here locker open and her hands came off of it covered in bird shit.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-05 13:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THE AVIAN FLEW...flu!!! AHH, NEWS HEADLINES OF THE DAY INFLUENCING POST TITLES...CLASSIC
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-05 11:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually I have just 'got' the title.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-05 11:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-05 11:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got the title! BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA etc...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-05 11:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.
Submitted by DieKreutzen (user info) at 2005-10-05 11:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was an interesting post.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone always is shitting in my shower...good memory...
for everyone else, read: http://www.ubersite.com/m/41570
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yo ho ho.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seems like sombody or somthing is constantly shitting in your shower...
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then I had to come in there waving my penis and screaming and ruining the birds day.
The bird also shit in my bathtub.
-------
I lauged my ass off.
Great Post.
Piss-Bitch
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo, a pint it is...
email me when the time is closer.
will.at.theroyalwe.org
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the birds were tweeting "piss-bitch" to me as they passed in the air.
hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey zoneo!
I am in NYC from 13-18th November, fancy having a pint or two?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So it IS true... living in New York City WILL turn you into a pussy little bitch.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This started off extremely "meh" with errors all over it, but I'm throwing out the +2
because I had a laugh at your misfortune.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-05 10:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha!