The Magic Bullet Killed My Friend (1861 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-10-05 13:10:41 EDT
I have to get up at about 6:00 am every morning in order to complete all of my paperwork on time. My problem is, there is never anything good on television that early. Even the porn is that second-rate stuff. Have you ever seen a fake breast ten years past its prime? The stretched out skin begins to wither and collapse under the pressure of the implant, while an expanded nipple struggles to keep the tattered remains of the breast together. The only reason I ever watch is the faint hope that one of these yellow sacks begins to protrude through the skin, like a chest hernia, and there are witnesses, so I can shout something about seeing the Eye of Sauron.
In the absence of quality television, I have discovered the greatness of infomercials. I don't think I will ever see an infomercial that could fail to make me laugh. My current favorite (and absolute patriarch of my existence) is Peter Popoff and his Miracle Spring Water. ( http://www.peterpopoff.org/.) He has managed to combine religious nuttery with a get-rich quick scam, and I'll tell you, he certainly has me convinced of his abilities. Apparently, his water will make one rich as well as cancer-free, because God's greatest wishes for you are personal wealth and a lack of mutated cell division. If you find yourself doubting my word (I don't know why you would), see if you can find the video footage of Peter bringing a handicapped, elderly black woman to her useless feet and blessing her. She then begins that dance in which one hand is placed on the hip and the other hand wags a single finger around in a circular motion, as if invisible plates of pancakes encroach upon her every step.
I almost wish I was a woman or Caulaincourt, just so I could have heterosexual or bi-curious sex with him. It is my sincere belief that sweat from his scrotum must transform any tongue into a fat wad of hundred dollar bills. Once I had accomplished this, I would join the Von Trapp family and sit around until they decided it was time for us to sing that "Do Re Mi" song. Those homeless Austrians would watch me with envious eyes as my scrilla rolled out with every sixth line.
But don't get me wrong. Not every product advertised in infomercials is as rock-solid as Miracle Spring Water. Or so I thought.
Recently, there was a small gathering at my place. Nothing major, just a bunch of friends getting together to drink and act like idiots. We were well on our way to doing just that, until Angie showed up.
"Look at this bitch," my friend Daniel shouted, "We told you not to bring anything." (He despised her)
"But I didn't bring just anything. I brought the Magic Bullet." (www.buythebullet.com)
At this notion, I chimed in with, "You know I have plenty of food and alcohol for everyone."
"Aren't you tired of the same old bland drinks? Honestly, I had a bottle of beer the other day, and it tasted as if it had been compiled together by an ordinary house blender."
All of my friends seemed to agree with this statement, and the next thing I knew, we were sitting alongside my kitchen counter while she performed an hour-long demonstration, wasting most of the items in my refrigerator in the process.
"Not wasting. Creating delicious meals and drinks in seconds. Look, with one...two...three...four quick presses of the Magic Bullet, we have freshly ground coffee in only four seconds."
"I don't even drink coffee. Where the hell did you get those coffee beans?"
"Well how about a nice egg white omelet with diced ham?"
"Your face looks like an egg white omelet with diced ham."
"Yeah," Melinda added, "Why don't you see if you can blend up a frothy mug of Noxema and suntan lotion?"
Angie refused to be drawn into such childish insults. Instead, she made delicious smoothies for all of us. Each of us was given our own special color-coded cup, so we would not get our own drinks confused with another person's beverage. She handed me one as well, but I am disinclined to wrap my lips around a red rim. As they indulged in their drinks, a loud "huzzah" erupted from them all.
"GOD DAMN THIS IS A WELL BLENDED DRINK! AND IN ONLY SECONDS!"
So it appeared that even Daniel had turned to her evil ways.
"Fuck you and your Magic Bullet," I loudly proclaimed.
"Oh, just drink the thing."
"What's in it?"
"You'll like it. It's a special blend of Red Bull and humiliation."
At that, I reared back to punch her in the face, before remembering my good manners and slowly lowering my fist. In my fury, I absentmindedly took a sip of my cup. My God, it blew my mind! It was as if flavor crystals were breeding on my tongue! I was taking a full body rinse in Miracle Spring Water.
I needed to get her alone.
"Will you come with me to the bathroom? I want to apologize for the way I have treated you tonight."
She followed me into the restroom. The turn of the lock startled her.
"Are you planning to rape me? Because you should probably know that you cannot just blend away DNA evidence."
"No, but I am going to have to insist that you give me your Magic Bullet."
She refused, and we struggled mightily over a product not advertised in stores. I was suddenly hit with a thunderbolt of inspiration. If Peter Popoff's water could cure cancer, surely the Magic Bullet would get a handle on dealing with a tiny little problem like selfishness. I slowly forced her face into the blender and pushed down on the button. But the blade only seemed to irritate her. Could it be that the Bullet had failed me?
"You're using the cross blade, you idiot. That is for chopping up soft foods like egg and cheese. You want the flat blade, for grinding."
I switched blades, and sure enough, she was right. Blood splattered everywhere as her face was purified until her body became cold and lifeless. All in less than eight seconds.
The next day, I had two delicious smoothies for breakfast and lunch, followed by a sensible dinner. We had kebabs.
User Reviews
Submitted by Kidmc (user info) at 2006-02-01 09:12:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart wacth your back +2
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-31 19:38:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i read this before but didnt rate. i should have
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for everyone because I just won an xbox 360
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking hilarious
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-10-18 19:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
da fuck?
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-10-07 09:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I may...
Go Magic Bullet WOO!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-06 22:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And this one for inspiring yet another awesome Berty rating.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-06 22:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty really does do the best ratings...
this post deserved this +2,
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As promised
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-06 13:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-06 13:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-05 19:20:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
During the bad old days in The 'Nam, there was one day that stood out in particular. Your story reminded me....
We'd been hunkered down in the mountains around the Cambodian border awaiting the order's from the CO to move out, we'd been dropped there to assault the right flank of a supply line, hopefully sending the retreating Vietcong into dissaray as they retreated from the main thrust of the 39th. The slicks headed back over the treeline and that cuntrag Leftenant Ayles, bastard always had us moving in too much of a hurray, benevolently let us get some dinner. Me, Spinny and Sergeant Langdale settled down to break out the cholostemy bags whilst the rest of the lads tried to scare up some wood that wasn't damp, wouldn't have been neccesary if that prick Ayles had given us a little more time to get our shit together.
So we're sitting there when we see Michael come staggering out the treeline, white as a sheet. Langy ran up to him to help the poor lad. He was shaking like a damp drunkard and spouting off about the rest of his squad. "Dropped, they all just dropped" he said over and over again.
Then Langy shoves his conk in and decides it's a great idea for us to head out there and 'asess the combat situation'.
I should have shot him there and then.
So we go to assess the situation. We move by threes through the scrub, one man moving forward to secure the ground, two guys covering. It's slow but it beats the shit out of treading on punji covered in week old pig shit. Suddenly from the left there's a noise. Never heard anything like it before, it was like a damp wind. No other way of describing it. I call stop and get on my belly.
Inching through the undergrowth, I found my self face to exit wound with Pvt. Graham, one of Ashcrofts lads. his neck was a mess of blood and the surrounding scrub was a mess of red abnd dirt. Ashcroft himself and his two other boys where nearby, necks all blown out in the exact same way.
An' I don't just mean they all had neck shots, they where all the same size, the same place and the same angle. Straight through the adams apple and out the back of the spine. I'll tell you something right now. I've seen shitstorms and crazy bollocks, I've seen bodies piled up in foxholes and grenades blow men apart in front of my eyes but I have never been as scared as I was on that day lying on my face in that quiet, peaceful massacre. I nearly screamed when I heard the whistle from Prick sounding the fall back.
The attack had been called off and the slicks where on their way back. I hooked up with Langy and the lads and told them about Ashcroft and his boys. Had to have been one hell of a sniper, one of the greatest soldiers I ever came to contact with. I've no doubt that if we'd gone further into that shit we'd have all been given the same extreme tracheotomy as Ashcroft. The whole damn company.
We never knew who the hell that guy was; never even went back for the bodies, only time I was ever glad of Prick's hurrying. We called that sniper The Magic Bullet.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
This story was great. You should make it into a post.
Submitted by Dumb_Name (user info) at 2005-10-05 21:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cough cough lol!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-05 19:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
During the bad old days in The 'Nam, there was one day that stood out in particular. Your story reminded me....
We'd been hunkered down in the mountains around the Cambodian border awaiting the order's from the CO to move out, we'd been dropped there to assault the right flank of a supply line, hopefully sending the retreating Vietcong into dissaray as they retreated from the main thrust of the 39th. The slicks headed back over the treeline and that cuntrag Leftenant Ayles, bastard always had us moving in too much of a hurray, benevolently let us get some dinner. Me, Spinny and Sergeant Langdale settled down to break out the cholostemy bags whilst the rest of the lads tried to scare up some wood that wasn't damp, wouldn't have been neccesary if that prick Ayles had given us a little more time to get our shit together.
So we're sitting there when we see Michael come staggering out the treeline, white as a sheet. Langy ran up to him to help the poor lad. He was shaking like a damp drunkard and spouting off about the rest of his squad. "Dropped, they all just dropped" he said over and over again.
Then Langy shoves his conk in and decides it's a great idea for us to head out there and 'asess the combat situation'.
I should have shot him there and then.
So we go to assess the situation. We move by threes through the scrub, one man moving forward to secure the ground, two guys covering. It's slow but it beats the shit out of treading on punji covered in week old pig shit. Suddenly from the left there's a noise. Never heard anything like it before, it was like a damp wind. No other way of describing it. I call stop and get on my belly.
Inching through the undergrowth, I found my self face to exit wound with Pvt. Graham, one of Ashcrofts lads. his neck was a mess of blood and the surrounding scrub was a mess of red abnd dirt. Ashcroft himself and his two other boys where nearby, necks all blown out in the exact same way.
An' I don't just mean they all had neck shots, they where all the same size, the same place and the same angle. Straight through the adams apple and out the back of the spine. I'll tell you something right now. I've seen shitstorms and crazy bollocks, I've seen bodies piled up in foxholes and grenades blow men apart in front of my eyes but I have never been as scared as I was on that day lying on my face in that quiet, peaceful massacre. I nearly screamed when I heard the whistle from Prick sounding the fall back.
The attack had been called off and the slicks where on their way back. I hooked up with Langy and the lads and told them about Ashcroft and his boys. Had to have been one hell of a sniper, one of the greatest soldiers I ever came to contact with. I've no doubt that if we'd gone further into that shit we'd have all been given the same extreme tracheotomy as Ashcroft. The whole damn company.
We never knew who the hell that guy was; never even went back for the bodies, only time I was ever glad of Prick's hurrying. We called that sniper The Magic Bullet.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-10-05 19:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaaaahh!!! The Magic Bullet!
I want one of those so badly. BUT everytime I hear someone say "The Magic Bullet" I think it's the herbal Viagra we used to sell with the same name at the pharmacy I worked at once upon a time.
Good post, dear!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:54:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:14:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
White Diamonds is top shelf shit, man.
You are clueless.
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When I was in Korea I sniffed through freaking 50 or so perfumes to find the one for my girlfriend that was the best. White Diamonds was the one I picked.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Look at you at the top of the MRR.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
White Diamonds is top shelf shit, man.
You are clueless.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's that cheap perfume. I can smell her menstrual cycle bleeding right through it.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Man oh man, you think with all that money she could buy some Vagisil or something.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My god, somebody in this room is using a ridiculous amount of perfume. My retinas burn like Elizabeth Taylor's crotch.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, but I heard he loves the cock.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never heard of him. Does he like infomercials?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That fucking crazy guy on CNBC who talks about stocks and stuff.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jim Cramer approves of this post.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think the problem is I don't post often enough to have a recognizeable name.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubersite has been declining big-time lately. If Ubersite was a big corporation, and then Bart would be considered the CEO and he'd be politely requested to step down by now.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No kidding...I'd be better off posting goatse or pictures of rabbits. But it's no big deal.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a Magic Bullet for my birthday. Where the HELL were you then? I mean, I like kebabs a lot more that I like the person who gave the the device. If I'da only knowed.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No fucking love for you man...this is ridiculous.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yep, it's muy
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it's muy, but I'm not the person to ask. I took high school French instead of Spanish.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Er...Mui bueno? My Spanish sucks.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
moi bueno
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicks more ass than is beheld when Conan pulls his Walker Texas Ranger lever.
I've a friend who's a "commercial junkie," especially of the infomercial variety: she goes into a trance state over the Ionic Breeze, mumbling to herself with a manic intensity in her eyes, as if they're beholding more than they can comprehend- which is very possibly the case. She mentioned once that she wished they'd do sex toy infomercials, for such relationship-obliterating contraptions as the Jack Rabbit vibrator. (The Rabbit Habit is the latest model, I think, and it has cost me and countless other guys tons of poonage.) The vile thing does everything to a girl but scream, "WHAT'S MY NAME, BITCH!?)
Anyhow, well done. ++++
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
7 fucking reviews?
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-10-05 15:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*chuckles* quite funny
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The good ones always get ignored.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmm... wait, what?
Sorry.
Somehow I just spent the morning making out with a beautiful 19yr old Blonde Girl who skipped class to come and see me... +2's FOR EVERYBODY!!!!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 13:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rate this goddamn post!
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-10-05 13:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one funny muthafucka, T.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-05 13:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MMM, kebabs. Fuck your couch, nigga.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-05 13:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will never stop laughing at this post.