I Bet People Who Build Aluminum Bats Don't Have This Problem (859 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.45 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-10-05 13:59:23 EDT
The things that baseball playoffs lead to. I swear...
"I Bet People Who Build Aluminum Bats Don't Have This Problem"
Billy Jean is not my lover
Not anymore;
that filthy whore.
She ducked and ran for cover,
and her name was Billy Jean.
Billy was a riverboat's daughter
Raised on salty sea and Cleveland steam,
When I met her she was eating cream with peaches,
When I met her she was pride, jest and slaughter.
She filed taxes in her sleep
and often fought the urge to weep
when perchance upon a meeting I'd bring flowers,
She wrote in shorthand, hit for average,
played the cymbals, too,
And spoke in ancient Greek to me for hours.
We moved into a little house
with flowers in front, and a fence surrounding,
We made a bed from oak and pine,
we made sure we had Astroglide abounding.
Three years we spent there,
just three years,
before the curtain fell;
Three years we spent there,
just three years,
those years I loved so well.
I returned from work at the Wiffle ball plant
and found the front door cocked,
And from the inside of our house
a muffled moan did shock
me to the quick, yet to the ready,
as my hands knew what to do;
I stormed into the bedroom,
my sight a rage-red hue;
Threw Billy Jean against the wall,
Her lover did i grasp,
And throttled him in front of her:
His scream became a rasp.
"Look, Billy, how his eyes they bulge!"
I turned to her and said,
"I bet if I don't stop this soon
They'll blow right out his head!"
"I can't believe you'd rather swing
from Big Jim Appleton's nuts
then shcwing my schwang with a healthy bang
or a series of quick ruts."
"How long has this been going on?"
I asked my wretched wife
"How many days have I been fooled
in our short married life?
How many times have I come home,
Wiffle-stink in my hair
to kiss your painted, puckered lips
and taste his man-juice there?"
Big Jim just lay there flopping
like titties in the breeze,
his legs they tap-danced to and fro,
his breathing, just a wheeze.
I loos'd my grip a minute
to let him say his peace,
his voice sounded like honking
from Chinese people's geese:
"Your woman needs a sturdy man
who builds a sturdy bat,
the balls you make have holes in them,
your sticks are light and fat.
Women who want a poundin' know
Wiffle bitches make bad lovers,
that's why I'm here, you see, my man,
I work for Louisville Slugger!"
Vile, wood-based whoreson!
That cheating wife of mine!
The world went white around me
And I grew quickly blind.
I gripped and I squeezed and I twisted
throttling him 'round the bed,
I squeezed and I gripped and I twisted
until both of us knew he was dead.
She sat and rocked in front of me,
and I threw the man down to the floor,
his head it split atop the crown
when it hit the edge of the door.
I ran my fingers through his blood,
so warm it made my hand go numb,
she watched me and trembled and soiled herself
and shudd'ring, began to suck her thumb.
Two words I painted in blood on the wall
two words that must have struck her,
for after she read them she ran out the door
those two words: SHAMONE MOTHERFUCKER.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-17 14:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This got better as it went on, for sure.
Domestic violence is no laughing matter. Unless you're married to a whor..oh, right.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 11:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for linkwhoring this under my name AND calling it bonus content. sorry sir, it's the rules.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-06 11:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poetry annoys me, so I didn't read this. This particular +2 is for this:
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-06 10:49:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
You could always, you know, actually help out around the house a bit.
Not that that would neutralize the 'moody bitch' virus, but it would certainly go a long way to keeping it at bay.
If only more men behaved that way, there would be fewer moody women.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
Submitted by Cam (user info) at 2005-10-05 18:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful....that's all i can say
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bahahahahaha! Have another +2 for the filename.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-05 17:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That last line made me gigglesnort. Top notch, old bean.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmm... wait, what?
Sorry.
Somehow I just spent the morning making out with a beautiful 19yr old Blonde Girl who skipped class to come and see me... +2's FOR EVERYBODY!!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, the ending - "Shamone Motherfucker" - doesn't really mean anything. I wrote this on a day when I was, for some reason, all about ending anything I wrote with "shamone motherfucker," so that explains that.
Originally I thought about calling this post "An Exercise in Shamoning: Five Studies" and posting the whole batch, but then thought better of it, figuring it would be overkill.
The rest of it? Well...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't get it. Have a +1 for poetic effort even though none of this made sense.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. the best poem evar???
quite possibly so.
nice.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-05 14:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for the picture alone...