About Last Night (Men vs. Women) (1856 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by cocaine (View user info) at 2005-10-06 14:45:50 EDT
Women:
'So what didja wind up doing last night?'
'Oh. My. God. Jeanneee, you HAVE to hear this. I met THE most amazing guy last night.'
'Really? Tell me all about it now.'
'Ok, well...first, you remember how I told you yesterday that my mom was in town and that she was going to take me out to dinner?
'Yeah.'
'Anyway, that didn't happen. So Michelle, Melissa, Vicki and I wound up having a girls night. First we went to...'
'Wait, which one is Michelle again?'
'You know, the one whose mom died?
'Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah. How's she doing with that?'
'Okay, I guess. She was a bit quiet all night. I didn't feel it was my place to ask her about it, though.'
'Smart.'
'Yeah. We all knew it was on her mind, but she needed a good night out. So anyway, We all first went to Sushi Samba on Park Ave...'
'Oooooohhhhh. I've always wanted to go there.'
'Jeanneee, you HAVE to go, the food is to DIE for. SO good.'
'What did you get?'
'Ummmmmm...California rolls, spicy tuna, and we drank a ton of sake...OH MY GOD, I didn't tell you. There was this guy at the restaurant who would not. Stop. Staring at us. It was insane. Like, all night, looking at the four of us like he wanted to molest us or something.'
'Ew...cuh-reeepy!'
'Uhhhh yah? So anyway, we left Sushi Samba around 10ish and went to this little dive bar in the East Village.'
'A dive bar? Why would you go to a dive bar?'
'I don't know...we wanted to try something different'
'Cool.'
'Totally! It was sooooo cute, though. It has these little decorations around the bar. It felt like one of those bars, you remember...like back when we were in Acapulco?'
'Like with all the stringy things and piñata type stuff?'
'Exactly. Just like that. But this was, you know...east village-y? You know what I mean?'
'Totally.'
'Yeah. So we're there and this really hot guy comes up to us and offers to get us all drinks.'
'Wait...how tall was he?'
'I'd say arrrooouuuund 6 feet.
'Ok good'
'Yeah, so he gets us all a round of Soco and Lime. He introduces us to his friends. Oh, and Jeanneee, one of his friends is PERFECT for you. Tall, wall-street type guy.'
'Really?'
'Oh yeah, you would SO love him. Next time I speak with my guy I'll have him talk to his friend for you.'
'Tell me about your guy first then we can get into his friend...wait, first, what's your guys' name?'
'Bart.'
'Bart? Kind of an odd name. Bart what?'
'Uhhhhh...he told me it was something like 'Cell Phone' or 'Silicon' or 'Cellophane.'
'HAHAHAHAH...ok...'
'Doesn't matter.'
'Wait...hold on...I'm just trying this out....... "Lucy Cellophane." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA'
'OH shut up...anyway...we talk at the bar for like, an hour.'
'What does he do?'
'Something with computers. Designing web pages, programming shit. I have no idea. I'll ask him next time.'
'K'
'So we talk for a whole at the bar, and Jeanneee, let me just tell you, he is THE SWEETEST guy I've ever met. He's close with his mom, he has a little puppy, he held my seat for me when I sat down, opened doors...such a gentleman!'
'Awwwwww'
'I know. So sweet. And he was completely paying attention to me the entire night.'
'What happened to the rest of the girls?'
'They all left around 2 because Melissa's sister had some sort of drama.'
'Really? What happened?'
'Well...ok...promise you won't tell anyone. I swore to her I wouldn't tell.'
'C'mon, do you even have to ask?'
'Ok......well, she thinks Brian's been cheating on her'
'WHAT?'
'I know. It's horrible. She might break off the engagement.'
'Oh my god!'
'I know...I know. But yeah, don't tell anyone, okay?
'Luce...you've known me for 3 years now. I'm not telling anyone.'
'Thank you.'
'So anyway...'
'So anyway, yeah...they all left around 2ish and Bart and I just stayed and talked for a while and left the bar together around 2:30'
'And?'
'Well.........'
'You didn't!'
'<giggles>'
'YOU. LITTLE. SLUT! HAHAHAHAHAH.....tell me everything.'
'I can't'
'Lucy.'
'Ok fine...well....please just keep in mind that I was pretty drunk'
'MM-HMMM....talk.
'I went back to his place which was, by the way...un-fucking-believable.'
'Where does he live?'
'Upper east...80's...doorman, elevator, two-bed, two-bath.'
'Wow...nice'
'I know...I was a great apartment. We had some wine and watched some TV on his couch and started to make out a little'
'Good kisser?'
'He was pretty good. He's no Michael, but he can definitely hold his own.'
'I thought we agreed that we wouldn't talk about Michael.'
'I know, I know. It's just difficult sometimes'
'I understand, sweetie. You know I'm always here for you if you need to talk'
'I know. Thank you.'
'Any time, honey'
'Anyway, we moved into his bedroom and things, let me tell you, got really fucking hot really fucking fast.'
'Mm-hmmm'
'To make a long story short, I'll just tell you that he has one outstanding cock'
'Wow. So it was big?'
'It's not so much that it was big, it's just that he really knew what he was doing. He really paid attention to what made ME feel good, you know?'
'That's awesome'
'Yeah...and afterwards, he fell asleep in my arms. It was the sweetest thing.'
'Awwwww...and what happened in the morning.'
'Well, we both woke up, he smiled and told me that he would take me to my place but he had to be at an early meeting at his office today'
'Really?'
'Yeah, he said his boss is really on top of him these days.'
'Well...at least he's a hard worker.'
'Yeah, he's such a good guy, I really can't wait to see him again.'
'So then you just left?'
'Yeah, he gave me a T-shirt out of his drawer so that I wouldn't look like a total skank and walked me to his elevator.'
'That was sweet of him'
'I know...so sweet.
'Quite a night.
'Tell me about it.'
Men:
'So what didja wind up doing last night?'
'You know...met a girl at a bar. She was pretty cool. Blonde hair, big tits.'
'Yeah?'
'Yeah. Anyway, took her home. Had a bunch of sex. Passed out around 5 am. She left in the morning.'
'What was her name?'
'..........'
'HAHAHAHAHAHAHA'
'Whatever'
'She good in bed?'
'Honestly, dude.......I don't really remember.'
'You use a dome?'
'Uhhhhhhhhhhh....'
'HAHA....cool.....yo, the game's on. Turn on Fox.'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I think she stole one of my T-shirts'
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-10-13 00:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-10-12 23:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you wouldnt know yer dick from a ouigi board
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-06-20 10:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to molest you.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-09 18:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-09 18:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-08-17 15:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it...
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-07-14 14:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-03-03 14:40:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For some ghey ass girlie reason this made me laugh my ass off.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-03-03 12:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Viper_04 (user info) at 2005-10-17 03:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold....pure gold
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-17 03:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:55:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
That Bart gets all the homos.
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-10-10 18:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-10-09 23:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-07 10:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No this wasn't original, but it was still funny and well executed.
+2
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-07 08:28:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty much sums it up. I met a girl yesterday.
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2005-10-07 08:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I cant bring myself to ruin the +2 streak but really, how the fuck has a direct ripoff of a sketch from friends and some other exact same joke I heard before on an e-mail or someshit get a 40+ straight +2 run?????????
Submitted by chgable (user info) at 2005-10-07 07:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cell Phone or something. HAHAHA !
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-10-07 03:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-10-07 02:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to start hanging out in the East Village more often.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-06 23:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahah ahhhhh i laughed so hard i choked for a while and almost fainted.
Submitted by nogagreflex (user info) at 2005-10-06 23:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet action
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-10-06 22:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Designing web pages, programming shit."
Hahahaha... ah, Bart.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-06 21:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
true
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-10-06 21:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! true
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-06 20:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-06 20:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was fiddling with my dick for about 30 seconds while reading the Bart sex scene before i realised what i was doing.
WTF?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-06 20:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really pretty good.
I know we've all heard the joke before but in some cases a change in the presentation makes it funny again.
If nothing else +2 for typing out all the dialogue.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my... I'm the chick...
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-10-06 17:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-10-06 16:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a perfect example as to why I have more guy friends than female ones.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-10-06 16:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahaha, smart.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-06 16:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know what?
i knew exactly what this post would consist of before i even clicked it.
yet, i loved it...because it's so true.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-10-06 16:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good... I think it'd be more like:
<playing Madden 06>
"how was last night?"
"got laid."
"nice."
*high five*
"Dude, pick a play. Stop running out the time clock."
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-06 16:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soooooooooo true!
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the awesome?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flattery will get you everywhere, young man.
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You got me, jeanneee. I am secretly in love with you. And now the cat is out of the bag.
Damn you and your intoxicating aroma of deliciousness.
Submitted by penisvonmunchousen (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was my friday night.
Although you never let them sleep over, they'll want coffee and conversation in the morning. Not good.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Ew...cuh-reeepy!'
haaaaaaaaaaaahaha
this was pretty bosh man.. marklar be with you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's because you're in love with me.
Or maybe my attempts to control your mind are finally starting to work.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jeanneee, thanks for being a good sport about letting me use your name.
honestly, i couldn't think of any other name to use in that situation. no idea why.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heard it, but still asskickable.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT'S FUNNY CUZ IT'S TRUE!!!
PS - Stop eavesdropping on my phone conversations.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-10-06 15:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My reaction would be more like the guy's, but that's just me.
+2 for using my name.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5= "I smiled, but it was not the kicker of all ass."
well i thought this was pretty damn funny.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Leik, OMG!!
You are so TOOOOTALLY onto something here!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!
I really enhoyed this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good...but you forgot to mention Bart's dreamy green eyes...
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That Bart gets all the honies.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is when I wish there was a 1.5 button. I've heard this joke structured like this before, but it was still good.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-06 14:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest thing i've read all day!