Florida Walker (681 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.38 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Adam Harker <kingdamien3.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-06 18:40:37 EDT
I got this idea from someone else's post a couple of days ago. Not sure who it was, if it was you, go ahead and take credit.
The knife is so sharp that her skin almost seems to part before I bring the blade down. It's like I'm not really cutting her, the skin is just running scared from the inevitable kiss of steel.
Her screams, muffled by the sock I stuffed in her mouth, egg me on a little, I'll admit. Should I be feeling pity for her? Even though I'm sure her mouth is dried out, and her throat probably feels like sandpaper, I can't; not when she's moaning like a whore, tears dragging her caked-on mascara down her flushed cheeks.
But, I don't want to be egged on, and I certainly don't need any more encouragement to continue playing with this vapid cunt, not after seven years of being suffocated by her cheap perfume. Seven years of listening to her idiotic music because was too inconsiderate to buy some fucking headphones. SEVEN YEARS of that chipper little voice, like an icepick in my temple.
So, I slap her across the face, hard, and whisper in her ear, "Keep bleating like a sheep and I'll gut you." In that moment it dawns on me how much I'm like my old man. The tips of my nails, chewed down nice and neat, dig into her flesh and leave four tiny points of welling blood on her cheek. Astonishingly, the whore manages to look surprised.
After the cutting and the magical work I did with my good ink pen (the one my daughter gave me for Father's Day last year), I'm happy to know that she could be surprised about anything. But, she always was an overenthusiastic little bitch.
"What's next for you, honey? Would you like me to take the gag out so you can ask me if I've got a case of the Mondays?" I ask her, and she whimpers in return. Her eyes say, "Why me?" To answer her, I find my stapler, and open it, holding it by the base. Then, I swing, slight upward arc, really going for the fences. The stapler makes contact with the side of her head with a satisfying "CHICK!" to let me know it put a staple where I wanted one. I'm hoping I managed to at least-
"JOHNSON!" I'm shocked to hear a male voice calling my name, as I lift my head from desk. "Sleep on your own time." As he turns and walks away I can her Alice in the background, her voice like an icepick in my temple. I mumble, "You're next, cocksucker."
And I FartSmeller.
User Reviews
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-20 09:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2, because you +2 yourself.
Submitted by olivia_tremor_control (user info) at 2005-10-09 01:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hah
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-09 00:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitelibrarian (user info) at 2005-10-08 00:26:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not overweight at all. And I'm giving you 2 b/c You are the only nice person to a new girl. stay real.
*******************
Thanks. I'm new too and It didn't take long to find out that this site is populated by some little review queers with punctuation hang-ups, while putting out some real drivel of mindless bullshit copy that makes me....me a common hack, shudder.
Later chic! Wish I could bang you over some wine and 3 day rentals :)
Submitted by nitelibrarian (user info) at 2005-10-08 00:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not overweight at all. And I'm giving you 2 b/c You are the only nice person to a new girl. stay real.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-07 17:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're doing real well on this site, Adam. I'm guessing you're, who, Shlongy? Maybe Method? Eh, you'll be forgotten in a week like the rest of 'em.
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-06 21:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-06 19:08:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! YUP AER SOOOO ORIGINOAL! I LUV YOOO!
BEST POST EVAR! WOOOOHOOOOO!
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-06 21:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the idea Skenny :)
You FartSmeller.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-10-06 19:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How long did it take you to come up with this idea? You didn't even let the original post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/76580) get off the front page.
Fucking asslicker.
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-06 19:08:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:50:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! YUP AER SOOOO ORIGINOAL! I LUV YOOO!
BEST POST EVAR! WOOOOHOOOOO!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Good times. (313 hits)
Category: None
Rating: 1.86 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (View all ratings)
Submitted by FartSmeller (View user info) at 2005-10-06 12:02:17
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got this idea from someone else's post a couple of days ago. Not sure who it was, if it was you, go ahead and take credit.
The knife is so sharp that her skin almost seems to part before I bring the blade down. It's like I'm not really cutting her, the skin is just running scared from the inevitable kiss of steel.
Her screams, muffled by the sock I stuffed in her mouth, egg me on a little, I'll admit. Should I be feeling pity for her? Even though I'm sure her mouth is dried out, and her throat probably feels like sandpaper, I can't; not when she's moaning like a whore, tears dragging her caked-on mascara down her flushed cheeks.
But, I don't want to be egged on, and I certainly don't need any more encouragement to continue playing with this vapid cunt, not after seven years of being suffocated by her cheap perfume. Seven years of listening to her idiotic music because was too inconsiderate to buy some fucking headphones. SEVEN YEARS of that chipper little voice, like an icepick in my temple.
So, I slap her across the face, hard, and whisper in her ear, "Keep bleating like a sheep and I'll gut you." In that moment it dawns on me how much I'm like my old man. The tips of my nails, chewed down nice and neat, dig into her flesh and leave four tiny points of welling blood on her cheek. Astonishingly, the whore manages to look surprised.
After the cutting and the magical work I did with my good ink pen (the one my daughter gave me for Father's Day last year), I'm happy to know that she could be surprised about anything. But, she always was an overenthusiastic little bitch.
"What's next for you, honey? Would you like me to take the gag out so you can ask me if I've got a case of the Mondays?" I ask her, and she whimpers in return. Her eyes say, "Why me?" To answer her, I find my stapler, and open it, holding it by the base. Then, I swing, slight upward arc, really going for the fences. The stapler makes contact with the side of her head with a satisfying "CHICK!" to let me know it put a staple where I wanted one. I'm hoping I managed to at least-
"JOHNSON!" I'm shocked to hear a male voice calling my name, as I lift my head from desk. "Sleep on your own time." As he turns and walks away I can her Alice in the background, her voice like an icepick in my temple. I mumble, "You're next, cocksucker."
And I smile.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was Bosh who wrote the first piece. I would not call this humor, and it plays a little too much into his work.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! YUP AER SOOOO ORIGINOAL! I LUV YOOO!
BEST POST EVAR! WOOOOHOOOOO!
Submitted by Magickmuse (user info) at 2005-10-06 18:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The door to the review room is opened. Enter the Geeks.