Sundance Kids (985 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TheSunGod (View user info) at 2005-10-07 09:20:39 EDT
OK, people. What follows is sappy. I admit it. And you may not like it-- I'm much better at writing creepy than writing love (as I've said before). But this is the beginning of a true story, one which I'd like to finish if the readers are so inclined. Let me know.
..........................................
The only light in her dark apartment comes in through the Western-facing window. The vertical blinds slice it into planes, and bands of dust motes swirl lazily within the stripes of light. Her breath gives them life, and they dance in front of her face with each soft exhalation. The sun-pattern strikes her as she lays on the bed, the bold, angular lines of light seeming almost violent against the organic curves of her naked self.
He's watching, of course. Not the dust, or the light, or even the curves, but all of it. The way she exists in the world, maybe, or the way it exists around her. There is a floral pattern gracing her side-- a thin ribbon of tattoo that traces from her right hip, winds languidly up her flank, and comes to rest just beside her breast. His finger trails its course mindlessly. He's not even looking, but he can feel its raised pattern on her skin. Their breath has finally slowed from their lovemaking, the day outside is hot, and there is nothing more they would like to do with the day but lie here.
When they're together like this, he can't help but think how odd it all is. They grew up together, kids from the same block. They knew the same people, went to the same concerts, both got in trouble for going to the same parties. Hell, she had once dated his brother. That's how they met- he 15, she 12 and "dating" his own brother. That hadn't lasted, of course, nothing had come of it as nothing ever comes of grade school romance. Years passed, and hugs, and friendly conversation, and graduations. It was when they were both young adults and practically dripping with vitality that he had finally noticed her in the way he did now. A chance meeting at an old haunt turned into an invitation, and invitation into... whatever this was now. He had seen the way that she now moved and walked, had seen the way that the other men watched those movements.
He had come to her place under the shared assumption of friendly companionship. Through the course of the evening each noticed the distance between them fading, until she was sitting leaned against him, his arm resting casually across her.
"Why are you shaking? Is the pool too cold? We can go back in to my apartment if you need."
"No, the pool is fine. It's just that... You're so close to me right now. And I never thought like this before, at least about you, and you're dating someone... And I'd like to kiss you very much right now. And that worries me a little."
She smiles, and only says, "Yes." She knows all of what he has just said. Shares what is wanted, and knows just as well what prevents it. Minutes pass, and silence too.
Eventually he leans in anyway, and says the most romantic thing he can think of.
"Oh, what the hell?" And then they are kissing there in the pool, and "What the hell?" turns into months and thousands of words and lying in bed with captured bars of light playing games with the dust and her body.
And it's odd. It's not strange that they are together, or that they knew each other all along, but that they knew each other all along and only now are together. Because this is right, and this is the real love that your mommy and daddy and Disney forgot to tell you about. This is love based on connection and likeness and kindness. It's hard stinking lust built on concrete friendship, love grown around something that couldn't go away if it wanted to.
And he watches the world as it exists around her, and watches her as she exists in the world, and wonders how he's going to tell her that he has to leave.
He has probably never cried in the time that he has known her, but he does now, silently; she doesn't see it because she has fallen asleep. Smiling.
And his tear falls through darkness, and then through a shaft of light, and dust particles dance greedily around it, and it lands on an organic curve with a floral design. A dewdrop on a flower, maybe, or a drop of blood on a crown of thorns. Just existing there in the world.
User Reviews
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-10-31 07:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, its wordy in parts but...
Sometimes to make an omlette,you've got to break some eggs.
The comments below are valid and iddq is right,
there isn't enough constructive criticism handed out on this site,
but for mine, I found this to be a very emotive piece of writting.
It's well worth a two.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-08 13:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dont you fucking belittle my attempt at offering some genuine criticsm - an all-too-rare commodity on this fucking circle jerk of a site. what good does 'plus fucking two' offer besides some ego-jerk off that doesnt help the writer in any way shape or form. i find the mindless +2ing on this site more offensive than pretty much anything else. ok, cool you enjoyed the story, WHY?
is that pedantic? well, if it is, fuck it, im gonna be OCD.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-10-08 08:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-08 08:16:00 (#)
Ranking: 1
ok, aside from the somewhat sappy nature of it, this is a poorly constructed sentence:
"And his tear falls through darkness, and then through a shaft of light, and dust particles dance greedily around it, and it lands on an organic curve with a floral design."
too many 'ands'. i dont care if it was on purpose or not, its an unwieldly sentence and it detracts from the rest of the story. use a comma or a semi colon or even full stops...
His tear falls through the darkness, slipping silently through a shaft of sunlight as motes of dust gibber and gyrate greedily around. It lands on "an organic curve with a floral design"
(that last is in brackets as im not sure what it means, so i thought id just leave it).
thats one possible way of putting it. no, i didnt put it there as a way of saying 'look how much better i am than you' or any shit like that, its just some advice.
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He means well, he's just, well, kinda pedantic.. plus fucking 2.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-08 08:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok, aside from the somewhat sappy nature of it, this is a poorly constructed sentence:
"And his tear falls through darkness, and then through a shaft of light, and dust particles dance greedily around it, and it lands on an organic curve with a floral design."
too many 'ands'. i dont care if it was on purpose or not, its an unwieldly sentence and it detracts from the rest of the story. use a comma or a semi colon or even full stops...
His tear falls through the darkness, slipping silently through a shaft of sunlight as motes of dust gibber and gyrate greedily around. It lands on "an organic curve with a floral design"
(that last is in brackets as im not sure what it means, so i thought id just leave it).
thats one possible way of putting it. no, i didnt put it there as a way of saying 'look how much better i am than you' or any shit like that, its just some advice.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-07 22:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-07 22:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-10-07 20:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow!!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-07 20:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god dammit
i am Clapton and you are my Hendrix
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-10-07 20:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is excellent...very good work.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-10-07 19:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-10-07 19:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Incredible
Submitted by EmptyRobot (user info) at 2005-10-07 17:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story of my life
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76661
Do your part to stop Mall Qaeda.
Pardon my linkwhore.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, it was me.
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:34:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Gorgeous.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good boy. see you at the party.
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't remember reading anything that you've written before, but if you're better at writing creepy stuff as opposed to this, then god DAMN cuz this was one of the best things I've seen on this site in a long while. I look forward eagerly to reading the rest of this.
Submitted by BingBongBing (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmm Yaaaaa!!!!right therrrrrre....a little to the left...YAAAAAA, thats
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BingBongBing, you better fucking rate this post or i'm kicking you squaw in the nuts tonight.
and you KNOW that i'm not joking.
but at least she'll be there...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Near damn perfect!
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gorgeous.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-07 10:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this a whole lot.