Tips On Picking Up Girls (For Whores) (1924 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-10-07 11:45:08 EDT
I'm sure many people will click this link expecting that with my use of "whores" in the title, I'm referring metaphorically to men and their insatiable appetite for picking up women and carrying them on our backs until they offer us blowjobs. I'm sorry to say that your hopes, your dreams of having inconsequential sex with something other than that plastic vagina you bought off of E-bay are going to be crushed, because this is a guide for female prostitutes to expand their business and open the untapped source that is the sexuality of curious/homosexual women.
My tips are easy to follow, and they're free because I am not really business-minded or smart enough to come up with more than like three pieces of advice, but what the fuck do you expect? I'm from the ghetto and I own a gun with which I shoot cans and watermelons. CANS AND WATERMELONS. I don't think that alien invasion next year is going to present any problems for me, unless they wear t-shirts with pictures of my family on them. That could be trouble.
LISTEN TO ME YOU DIRTY VAGINAS AND MOUTHS OF GOD'S ARMY!
The first, and biggest obstacle to hurdle when you try offering tricks to women is that a good 30% of them are not lesbians. It's going to take a keen eye and lots of robots with good throwing arms and special gaydars to tell whether or not you have a potential prospect. Most women who aren't into paying for sex usually wear pink socks and carry purses with chihuaha's or other small dogs in them. I suggest that if you come across a totally heterosexual woman, you take my advice and tell them that lesbians who pay for sex make a net income of close to $40,000 dollars for just being lesbians. She might ask you how that's possible, to which you will politely punch her in the ovaries and shove a double-edged dildo into her mouth while you scream about how she made you do this because you love her. Most of the times they'll succumb to the confusion and throw you a Jackson (hopefully Tito Jackson) for some oral, but if they proceed to try and push the issue, then you should just cover your ears and sing a Mariah Carey song as loud as you can. Hopefully she'll mistake you for an insane homeless person trying to come onto her and move along.
Once you are good enough at weeding out the customers from the haters, it's time to start going after making some serious money. I have an aunt on the the corner of Flushing Avenue and Sacura Boulevard who has a training camp for whores looking to make it big just like yourself. For only five hundred dollars, my aunt Florentine will show you how to make a woman orgasm with just a lock of your hair and a can of processed cheese, and how to film it without them knowing, because we all know that internet porn is where it's at.
You'll get a certificate upon completion and a lemon square, and you will eat that godamn lemon square like the nazi's are coming to make-out with your parents if you don't, because that lemon square has potassium and lots of it. You'll need this potassium in your immune system to fight the chipmunks that will constantly attack your vagina while you're working the streets. Why you ask? Why do chipmunks attack the vaginas of prostitutes? I don't know, ask your "all-knowing" god who cuts seas in half for a small group of chosen people while he leaves the rest of us to flounder about with no reason for existence.
Hopefully by now you have realized that your vadge is the gateway to buying a mansion and have taken extra precautions to protect it. If I were a woman, I would insure it for a copy of Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" because my coffee table is lop-sided and I need something to prop under one of the legs.
A few of you dirty, soulless beings still aren't sure whether or not this is for your best interest. Ladies, let me assure you, the 50% of your earnings I ask for is nothing but that: me asking for money. Hell, you'll be making so much after you put my advice into practice that you will be begging to give me 75% or more for being so godamn awesome. But I won't take the extra percentage, no no no, because this is for YOU ladies, all seven of you that read this. I've been telling women my secrets for years, and you'll be happy to know each of them owns their own mountain chain made of cocaine in Arizona.
So now, without further ado, let's get into the good stuff with the do's and don'ts of getting down and dirty with women for money!
DO - tell her that prostitution is a club that empowers women and sends fruits of the month to anyone who takes part. Also mention to her about how your pimp gives you jewelry and $10 gift certificates to Best Buy.
DON'T - tell her that you just got done getting a cleveland steamer by a 359 lb. black guy with a glass eye. Just say that lingering smell of shit must be coming from the factory that burns babies nearby.
DO - inflate your charges. Women have no real concept of costs when it comes to sex. Always ask for around $10,000 and go from there. If food or kissing is involved, push it up to around $12,000.
DON'T - make eye-contact with them. As you probably know, women can turn whores into stone with their glare. My advice is to either wear a blindfold when you perform your duties or cut off the head and feed it to the grand titan Oceles, all-knowing master and keeper of the slut.
DO - wear a wig. Women love to roleplay and pretend that you are a wild grizzly bear that sells tricks on the corner. Let them shoot you with a shotgun in the chest, or go all out and have your once noble flesh turned into a beautiful rug if you want the big bucks. Just make sure to charge them twice as much as an hour of strap-on action and you'll be.....well you'll be dead. Sorry.
DON'T - connect emotionally with any of your clients. Money is your god, not love. Don't try and make this some sick and twisted "Pretty Woman" B-movie sequel like you're going to find some gorgeous woman with an excellent job who only cares about who you truly are. You can't even look her in the eyes without being petrified for god's sake, become a hippy if you're looking for love you crackpot.
DO - describe to her the way her body feels, like if her boobs feel like balloons filled with jello and tartar sauce, you say it. She'll squeal from delight when you tell her that her stomach feels like the lips of a fat guy who's really hungry, or that her thigh looks like a pole that's been pulled from the ground. It doesn't have to make sense.
DON'T - form a rock band consisting of yourself on drums and other prostitutes. It's been tried before by The Bangles (the band that made stereotypical assumptions that egyptians walked like retarded chickens), and it didn't work out too well for any of them.
DO - form a jazz band consisting of yourself on guitar and some old white guys. You are really good at guitar! PLAY DAVE MATTHEWS! PLAY SOME FUCKING DAVE MATTHEWS! I LOVE THAT ONE SONG ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW...I can't understand his lyrics.
DON'T - tell your father. He's been going through enough already with the bankruptcy of the business and that awful prime rib I cooked him last night for dinner. I.....I should have remembered that he likes the blood to pour out each time he cuts it, like he's some fucking repressed vampire that can't get blood any other way. The least the man could do is credit me on my fucking fantastic potato salad, that's all I'm saying.
DO - compliment her on what she's wearing. Try to make your customer as comfortable as possible before you perform your duties. Once she's fully relaxed and ready to start, throw some dirt into her face. Women like it when you do that, right?
DON'T - bury your feces in the cemetery anymore. That's just really weird.
So there it is whores, now get out on those streets and make your dreams come true. There's like two other do/don't things I don't remember though, possibly had to do with investing in stocks. Maybe if a certain someone didn't insist on me being drunk nine days a week JOHN BELUSHI, I could become a productive member of society and help build skyscrapers like a real man.
Oh, for fucking love of.......Belushi's still dead I think. I really have to start remembering my friends real names and stop referring to them as dead celebrities.
User Reviews
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-09-16 22:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
comment whoring is just as bad
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post gave me hives and scabies.
In a good way.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe if a certain someone didn't insist on me being drunk nine days a week JOHN BELUSHI,
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I wear pink socks because it turned from summer to winter in a single day. Winter is the time for lighter colors.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<mental note to self: buy and wear pink socks>
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find the easiest way to pick up chicks is similar to the way you pick up a bowling ball.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You guys are awesome, seriously, but I gotta get to my ether binge in an abandoned factory by the little miami river. kkkkkkk
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! You are one strange fucker, and I can appreciate that...
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS WAS TRULY BOSH MY FRIEND!!
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet the things you write in the snow are better than what I post on uber!
Submitted by tyebud (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holler
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're my ubersite inspiration
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's just so convenient to bury it there after I get done with your grandma.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest shit ive read all day, then i realized it was supposed to be serious and i became sad for the chipmunks who attack vadge.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that line was a personal thing Sass, I really connected with that line when I wrote it. Like a personal awakening, I'm going to start using the toilet like a normal human being and stop buring my crap like i'm a large cat, a tiger perhaps.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and for the X,XXXth time, i've been embarassed by Ubersite.
some coworker walked by and read the line about burying your feces in a graveyard (or something like that) and asked me "What the fuck are you looking at, pervert?"
she walked away before i had a chance to explain...not that any explanation could remedy the situation.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HEY GUYS!!!