She's My Def Leppard Drummer Girl: An Ode (1497 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: handicapable_women
Rating: 1.8 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2005-10-07 13:27:29 EDT
Look at you, my precious hook-handed love,
That dress really makes your claw shine;
And I'm not just saying that to be nice.
Your eyes, pearls shining in the night,
Your lips, twin roses that soon will bloom,
Your neck, its slender line appealing,
Your hook, the envy of the room.
The maitre'd gave a double take:
He thought your hand, it was a rake.
I do really think that you look pretty,
The backless gown was a great idea
Because you have such lovely shoulders,
And even though I'd have recommended a wrist corsage or something -
To cover up the area where your tortured skin meets metal -
I kind of dig looking at where the hook embeds itself in your forearm.
It's like looking at an oil well in the Texas heartland,
Or a pencil sticking out of an unbaked roll of dough
Jabbed in like the flag from some corrupt limp-dicked imperialistic European explorer fuck
(I'm looking at you Cortez).
That's right, o conquistador of my heart.
I claim this land for Spain and me,
This lovely Hook-Hand Honalee.
I must say, I can't wait to have the feel of your metal on my meatus later,
Because, after all, I *am* paying for dinner,
And you know what that means.
Did you know that Penos isn't just an island near Greece?
I did.
And tonight, my dear, to Penos you'll go sailing.
With your hook and hand a-gripping tight the railing
Of my vessel, cresting high upon the ocean blue
How exactly do you wipe yourself in the loo?
I've never understood that.
It is a mystery.
Unless your fingers use the paper
To blot up errant pee.
But your digits can't compare
To your hook and satin underwear,
Sometimes your stump, I like it bare
Especially when it rubs...well, you know where.
If we get married, let's talk shop
For ways to lop your good hand off,
So you, my love, can then become
The dual-hook'd girl I've been dreaming of.
But for now, just eat your dinner
And drink you deep that wine,
For we'll be sailing to Penos
And I want to enjoy the ride.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:26:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-17 14:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right, o conquistador of my heart.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-12-06 10:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jabbed in like the flag from some corrupt limp-dicked imperialistic European explorer fuck
(I'm looking at you Cortez).
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More offset.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Offset.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-17 15:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, my hook handed love:
http://www.costumesuperstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1926
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-07 21:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-10-07 17:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Along the same lines.......
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74348
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-07 17:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite possibly deserves more, but alas the ranking drop-down is handicapped...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76661
Do your part to stop Mall Qaeda.
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2005-10-07 16:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:22:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:29:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
best uber poetry EVAR
----
you should be the Uberpoet Laureate
----------------------------------------
Also, that picture is some funny shit.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-07 15:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:29:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
best uber poetry EVAR
----
you should be the Uberpoet Laureate
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha, good times...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The hooker theory is interesting, considering the Filipino-hooker-centric nature of the two Whitman poems I tarnished last week.
And, as the only critical examination of the work thus far, it serves as the accepted interpretation.
Anyone else?
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
<Gasps for breath>
<Compusure regained>
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
<dies>
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TMBG
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Filename
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you're saying your girl is a...
HOOKER!??!??!?!!??!suprisedquestionone!!??!!??!
OMG HOOKER I SAID IT SHIT!!!!!!!!11111111
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-07 14:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that picture kills me
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE YOU
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wanted to find a picture of a woman with a hook hand, but, alas, none were to be found.
By the way, do NOT do a Google search for "amputated hand."
Just...just trust me.
I had to settle for whoring up the Easter Seals PSI. I consider it a loss.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:41:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, O'matron... how could a woman say no to you after such a creation?
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and i thought i was romantic...
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I was a prick yesterday, and because this is really good. You're the only person I've ever seen get away with posting poetry on here.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't WE ever go sailing to Penos anymore? Is there someone else?
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I was mildly amused by this.
I don't have time to come up with a witty response because I spit sunkist on my computer and pissed my pants laughing.....like I said....mildly amused.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think you have found your niche!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best uber poetry EVAR
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't even think about this before posting, but I paused and laughed before hitting "hook me up!" What a strangely appropriate command to give.