It's been a long day. (1126 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.74 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-08 10:24:52 EDT
It's that time of year again. The wildflowers are blooming, animals are spawning all over the place, and every child under the age of thirteen is whining to be taken to the show. Sorry, Show. The Show. I guess the American equivalent would be Fair... you know, there's rides and sideshows and a petting zoo, etc etc, and cows and tractors or maybe that's just down in the heart of Cow Country where I grew up (yeah yeah, mooo, I get it).
And it's this time of year that all the small dairy-farming, bovine-slaughtering, wheat-growing, teen-pregnancy-having towns stage their annual Agricultural Society Shows.
So there we are, the picture of fucking domestic bliss oh god shoot us all before it's too late, wallowing through the fucking boondocks to amuse the small squalling people that run our lives.
"I was born in a small town..."
I was. I lived there for sixteen years until I had the genius idea to not live there anymore. My relatives still live there - staunch Jehovah's witnesses, all of them, the damned bible thumping freaks - and I had a lot of friends there, as you do. And for some fucking reason, this is the show we went to today.
There were a lot more half-naked teenage girls than I remember. When I was a teenage girl, it was cool to wear black jeans and men's shirts and have perfect hair and makeup, kind of a contrast, oh look at us aren't we just DIVINE? Today there was, well... a lot of tanned flesh on display, and more dry humping than I've seen outside of the geriatric ward I used to steal morphine from. Those randy old men would rub up against anything. It was really kind of cute.
"Sam, leave Gerty alone! She's dead!"
"Ayuh, but she's still got some spark in her!" as one hand flops off the bed to hit the floor. "Ohhh, you saucy lady, trying to get away from old Sam, huh?" And then there was always some orderly with a needle, but that's not the point.
There was a point.
Hang on, I have to go back and read, I've become lost in images of old people humping IV stands.
We went to the fair! Yes. And while the Dutchman and the Boy wandered away to spend far too much money getting a case of whiplash I'd quite happily have inflicted upon them for free, I took my darling little angels to the petting zoo, to see the baby animals. The delicate, fragile baby animals.
It was quite a disappointment, really. Next time we go to the Show I'll take another adult with me to the petting zoo, to keep the twins under control while I hold the camera, because you JUST CAN'T FUCKING DO BOTH.
I have these sweet pictures of the girls petting a shetland pony, the girls watching the baby rabbits, etc etc. I don't have pictures of Imogen biting the pony, or Cadence being attacked by an angry duckling. I completely missed the shot of Imogen pushing Cadence face first into the guinea pigs. I don't have these pictures because when this stuff happened, I had to, you know, put the camera down and stop them from killing themselves or each other or some small fluffy animal whose only crime was being born two weeks before Show Day.
It's remarkable how exhausting wandering around a showground for five hours can be when you have to alternate between chasing the twins, wresting money off the Boy ("But I found it sticking out of your purse inside your zipped and buckled handbag! Finders keepers, losers weepers, ha ha ha!" "I'll break both your legs." "Jeez, Mum, I was only playing."), and giving the Dutchman a gentle thump on the back of the head when he turned to follow a pair of tanned sixteen year old legs into an alley, no doubt to calmly explain to her that her attire was provocative and not to do her up against a wall at all, oh no, not my husband.
After five hours, we lugged two sleeping toddlers, a sugar-cranked hyperactive sunburned dusty sweaty yelling bouncing demon from hell, half a dozen showbags, a stroller, a tote bag, a handbag, and three Dora the Explorer dolls back to the car. My head was pounding and the Dutchman had that look on his face I've been seeing more and more often lately, the one that says "I could be taking drugs and sleeping late back in Holland, what the fuck was I thinking?"
Half the drive home was achieved in perfect blessed silence after the Boy crashed into a diabetic coma in the backseat. Luckily the twins woke up after a while and kept us company by singing the same line of "Twinkle Twinkle little star" over and over for a fucking hour.
"Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky
Like a diamond inna sky"
(In Dutch: "Make it stop." "We could hit them and maybe they'll jump to the next line, like a record player." "Yeah, but hitting toddlers is generally frowned upon by folk." "People are so judgmental." "I know. Pass me the vodka." "There's no vodka in the car." "I hate my life.")
This picture was taken two seconds before Imogen pushed Cadence into the rabbit pen and danced around shrieking "She a rabbit! Bubby a rabbit! Haha RABBIT!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imogen and Cadence?! God they're going to hate school so much...
I bet the boy's real name is Ubersturmfuhrer Zanzibar.
Submitted by nahnoneofit (user info) at 2005-10-21 11:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU HAVE KIDS. WE GET IT. CONGRADULATIONS, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-08 21:58:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
i really admire you """
hahahahahahaha i wonder how pissed i was when i wrote that???
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-17 10:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:29:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
Western Australia, far away from anywhere interesting.
--
I must visit Australia at some point in my life. I hear
amazing things about it.
Great post. Such cutie pies.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-17 10:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never knew you could speak dutch. You've got all sorts of hidden talents.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-17 09:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha rabbit!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-13 10:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. The Fair.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-11 22:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Indo - the boy's name is Seth.
Imogen and Cadence are very old names. Not made up, just not common.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-11 14:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Imogen and Cadence? WTF?!?!
And what the boy gets no name, or is it something even worse that you won't put in here? Like Sturm or Drizzit?
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-10-11 14:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-10 17:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How does one say HAR HAR RABBIT in Dutch?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-10 09:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-09 23:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's so weird that your kid said HAHA Rabbit. They are very cute.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-09 22:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a rabbit once.
Rabbits don't take well to baths with the garden hose.
They tend to die, and frankly, dead rabbits aren't half as cute as live ones.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-09 00:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aww
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-08 21:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really admire you
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-08 19:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cute kids.
Australian girls are easy.
You speak Dutch, Circe?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-08 14:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-08 11:13:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Caes - take pictures and sell them to tabloids, claiming the twins are Mary-Kate and Ashley?
Not that I've thought about it or anything.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-08 11:07:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your boy seems okay. But I think you better find a way to control the twins before they get old enough to do some real damage. What are you going to do when they're both 18 and decide it would be cool to kill a hobo with a ball peen hammer?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-08 14:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Rabbit
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2005-10-08 13:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-08 13:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
such impotent bitterness, squattail. you protest far, far too much.
the post was okish. your kids are cool, yeah we get it (the 'diabetic coma' line was genuinely funny). its time again to INVENT something. you're almost beginning to sound like me, except with children instead of misogyny. do you really want to to that? let me assure you, its not that cool and/or interesting.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-10-08 11:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tip for a successful fair experience: to ensure proper behavior, threaten the younger children with being eaten by the horses. Dare older children to stand in back of the cows.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-08 11:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caes - take pictures and sell them to tabloids, claiming the twins are Mary-Kate and Ashley?
Not that I've thought about it or anything.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-08 11:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your boy seems okay. But I think you better find a way to control the twins before they get old enough to do some real damage. What are you going to do when they're both 18 and decide it would be cool to kill a hobo with a ball peen hammer?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
still has nothing to do with you, you fat cunt
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:53:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure they did
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuckface - you're very special and I'm sure you parents loved you very much before they both died of whatever disease they died of.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my parents are dead, but that's better than having you as a parent
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
loki - today there was a bunch of people dressing in armour and demonstrating swordfighting. We were watching them with something halfway between amusement and disbelief, and decided that anyone putting on chainmail is just ASKING to be hit with a stick. It's a blatant invitation.
Fuckface - You're very special and I'm sure your parents love you very much.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Renaissance Festival is going on here. We went once just to see what it was about. I had to gag Sam to keep him from yelling "go back to college and get a real fucking job" to all of the people proudly walking around in period dress talking with really pathetically garish accents that I'm sure someone in their theatre class (back when they went to class) described as Renaissancelike.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
worst post I've ever seen, your family is trash and everyone is sick of hearing about them
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guess that I didn't take into account that seasons there are the opposite of North America. Stupid geography. Why must I work today?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Western Australia, far away from anywhere interesting.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-08 10:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where are you from?