I'm sorry, is that my mucus on your collar? (746 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A-Daamage (View user info) at 2005-10-10 12:47:41 EDT
As harvest season draws to a close for another year, my nasal passages once again cry, "Air...? Holy shit! AIR!" For the past two months, I have been walking around on campus, not knowing exactly what's going on or what I'm doing as most of my brain has been occupied by The Pink Haze of Lethargy, commonly referred to as Benadryl. Sadly, I really have no choice but to ingest two of those pink and white caplets, lest I end up spraying everyone within a five-foot radius with a fine mist of snot. The obvious drawback is that while sitting through a lecture, I'll start to space out and not realize it until A.) my head hits the desk B.) I say something out loud from whatever I was daydreaming about or C.) I begin to drool on myself and the pretty girl next to me will nudge me and point this out rather loudly. She should realize her luck that I'm on medication and that she's not on the receiving end of a hot snot bath.
It always begins the same way. I'll be in the middle of a great conversation; you know, one of those conversations that make you happy you got out of bed, that make you realize there ARE other intelligent beings out there. The conversation will be trucking along, both parties making excellent points, when suddenly a hyper-blast of mucus will rocket forth from all orifices of my face, including my eye sockets (or so it feels) and marinate the other person in a time-stopping moment of horror. At this point, I'll make a hasty apology and flee the scene like a boyfriend caught fucking the daughter of a large, angry ex-Marine.
You know, it didn't used to be like this. As with most other problems introduced into a young man's life, allergies didn't begin to assault my body until puberty hit. I was on a vacation with my family. It was May and the weather was magnificent. Mid-60's, partly cloudy, light breeze. It was my first time at the particular amusement park we were visiting, and I was ready to have a killer time. We decided to start out with the smaller stuff, so we went to play a round of minigolf. About halfway through playing, I felt my eyes start to itch, so I started to rub them. At first, it just went away. Another couple holes and I was rubbing them constantly. After a short while, my mother asked why I was rubbing my eyes. I looked at her and she made the most horrific face I've ever seen from her. It's the same look you see in movies when someone discovers a decaying body. My parents quickly brought me inside the "clubhouse" of the minigolf course. My father accompanied me into the bathroom and helped me clean my face off and inspect my eyes. I looked in the mirror and quickly understood my mother's initial reaction. There were dark blackish blue circles surrounding both eyes and were extremely swollen and the eyeballs themselves were bulging out to the point where it looked like the slightest knock would roll them right out onto my cheek. Now remember, the entire time the itching was getting steadily worse, but I had rubbed my eyes so raw that the slightest touch sent silver shivers of pain racing through my skin. I now have a very good idea why mustard gas was banned from warfare. There is no way to describe the hell of not being able to scratch or rub an area of intense itching because the instant pain caused by doing so is even worse than the itching. Sunburn is similar, but having this itching and pain on your eyelids and eyeballs makes suicide look inviting.
We drove back to the hotel we were staying at and I laid on one of the beds in the dark, with a cold damp rag over my eyes, while the rest of the family went down to the pool and swam for a couple of hours. My mother wanted to bring me to the hospital right away, but I refused as the damp rag was helping and being in the enclosed, air-conditioned room also alleviated the worst of it. Mostly I felt bad that I ruined everyone else's day by having to leave the park almost as soon as we had arrived.
Ever since that horrible day, I've had allergy attacks, but never that severe. Now they mostly consist of the average hay fever symptoms: itchy eyes, itchy throat, sneezing, runny nose. Thank God for Benadryl. I may not be able to think straight, but at least I'm not submerging passers-by in a warm shower of mucus and hey, it probably makes for a fun ride for any passengers in my truck.
"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, '...Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon once, but I think I can do it.' " - Steven Wright, A Steven Wright Special
(The following image is stills of the first video recording in history. Read more here: http://www.edwardsamuels.com/illustratedstory/iscsmall/isc3small.htm)
User Reviews
Submitted by A-Daamage (user info) at 2005-10-10 16:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm on my way Ruth....
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-10 15:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My family are riddled with allergies. I'm lucky really. Just nut oil, lanoline (which is most face creams & make up, most fibres (insulation is serious nightmare - my hands blow up like balloons)... the list is pretty long...
I feel your pain.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That fucking sucks man.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Doctor says I need a backeotomy
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey I've got a couple of new posts....
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-10 12:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve me some Benadryl!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-10-10 12:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Homer's Brain:
I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater
everyday, and --