It Was A Lovely Neighborhood Until The Sand People Moved In (2151 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.81 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ryan Donovan <ryan.at.chiliwhack.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-10 13:11:54 EDT
IT WAS A LOVELY NEIGHBORHOOD UNTIL THE SAND PEOPLE MOVED IN
TO: Mos Espa City Council
FROM: Ryan Donovan, concerned citizen and dutiful taxpayer
DATE: A long time ago
Dear Esteemed Council Members,
As an upstanding citizen of Mos Espa for over 20 years, I am writing to you about concerns I have about my neighborhood. I own a quaint subterranean dwelling on four acres of sand, a non-polluting moisture vaporator, and a landspeeder with a baby seat. My section of town, just a stone's throw from Beggar's Canyon, has always been safe, friendly, and quiet. No gambling, no loud junk dealers, and very few sandstorms. A genuine slice of good ol' middle Tatooine.
That is, until the Sand People moved in next door.
The list of their inexcusable behavior is endless:
- They often borrow my power converters and forget to return them.
- They keep beating the shit out of my droids.
- Every weekend they're out taking potshots at passing vehicles on our street.
- They blast podracing on their TV so the whole neighborhood can hear. Goddam NASCAR rednecks.
- I am pretty sure the kids have been shooting bee-bees at my vaporator (but my wife thinks the blast points are too accurate to be Sand Kids).
- They get all freaked out and howl like banshees whenever the crazy old hermit goes for a walk in his brown bathrobe.
The last straw was a party they had last night. Their guests started arriving just after the two sunsets, riding single-file. Pretty soon their entire tribe had arrived. Banthas were lined up and down the street, even on my property. They built enormous bonfires in their backyard, roasting womprat meat and god knows what else, screaming all night like warring walruses and playing the Luke Skywalker drinking game. Apparently they could be heard all they way down at Toshee's Station. Some of the party-goers left around 3:00am, but I knew they'd soon be back, and in greater numbers. This morning, the scene was atrocious: drunken Sand Sluts past out on the porch, several people puking out of the breathing holes in their masks behind my dune, bantha tracks all over my property, gaffi sticks strewn about everywhere. One of the banthas even took a dump in my pool.
I've tried to reason with them. When I asked for a neighborly warning whenever they planned to have company over for cocktails, Mr. Raider coolly replied, "ERRR-ERRR-AAWOOEEEEEAAHH!"
I don't spend my hard-earned Republican credits on taxes, levees, tariffs, tithes, smuggler bounties, Huttese gambling debts, and Imperial shakedowns just to watch this community turn into another Mos Eisley. I demand that you perform a full investigation and background check on these Dune Sea cocksuckers, and evict them from the city. Not to be a racist, but they are worse than those Bocce-speaking illegals. My wife is convinced they're Taliban. Some of the neighbors think they're on the lam for the brutal murder of Owen and Beru Lars last season. Others think they're refugees from the town where that ADD kid went all Columbine with a lightsaber a while back. Regardless, they're bad seeds. Not even the Jawa couple across the street can abide them.
As a community, we won't stand for this ronto poodu. This used to be one of the greatest territories in the Outer Rim. Now we've been rated by the Pioneer Press as one of the Top 10 Wretched Hives Of Scum And Villainy. We've gotten signatures from the Chamber Of Commerce and all the residents. Even the Rodian widow down the block joined the petition. We demand that Mr. and Mrs. Raider vacate before the next harvest. We don't care where, but preferably far, far away.
User Reviews
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-02-12 14:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
background check on these Dune Sea cocksuckers
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-02-26 12:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't personally like this too much, but it still deserves a +2.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-02-26 01:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just came back over this gem :)
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-02-23 22:38:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Others think they're refugees from the town where that ADD kid went all Columbine with a lightsaber a while back
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fuckin brilliant.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2006-02-23 22:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wretched villany eh, you play WoW?
Submitted by Oleannder (user info) at 2006-02-19 12:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking awesome
Submitted by SuperguyEsquire (user info) at 2006-02-19 12:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Utini!
Submitted by HenryV1598 (user info) at 2006-02-19 11:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, this is what you get when the local storm trooper garrison is run by a tool like Jerjerod. Things were much more stable when Tarkin was in charge. Of course my cousin from Alderaan would argue that point, but he's an asshole, so who cares what he thinks?
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2006-01-27 23:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-01-04 15:20:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-10-13 02:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-10-12 12:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The fact that I remember all those references proves what a fucking geek I am.
Submitted by jeano (user info) at 2005-10-12 12:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, Dig.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-10-11 18:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed like a hyena on weed!
Good one, good one!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-11 08:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a good idea, but needed to be more inflammatory to be funnier.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-10 20:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know where you can pick up some thermal detonators for cheap man...
Submitted by cbear1856 (user info) at 2005-10-10 20:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BRILLIANT!!
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-10-10 20:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I was hoping for some good ol' fashioned racism!
This is cool, though.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-10 16:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:35:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:53:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
It means that a summary of the Toronto Film Festival made it over some damn good and damn funny posts. Methinks there's some mutual pleasuring going on somewhere to seal the deals.
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Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:18:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
User ID 9. This will likely end up on B@W in a heartbeat.
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Is making B@W that important to you? Bart has the choise to add what ever he wants to B@W. Some people liked Seinfeld, some liked Roseanne...if its funny for you, great! But do not expect others to think its funny
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Air breathing people actually liked ROSEANNE?!?!?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-10 15:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahahaI LOVED this
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 15:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ME too, AJ. It's the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-10 15:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:24:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking great. Nerd humor is the best...
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahah awesome.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember that when you send this in, send a second copy in bocce or you're fucked.
Multilingualism... E chu ta!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
I love it when Hadley gets all caustic and bitter at Uber-related things.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:53:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
It means that a summary of the Toronto Film Festival made it over some damn good and damn funny posts. Methinks there's some mutual pleasuring going on somewhere to seal the deals.
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Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:18:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
User ID 9. This will likely end up on B@W in a heartbeat.
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Is making B@W that important to you? Bart has the choise to add what ever he wants to B@W. Some people liked Seinfeld, some liked Roseanne...if its funny for you, great! But do not expect others to think its funny
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think thats bad? I just had a family of Gungans move into the ice cave next to mine here on Hoth. All we hear is the constant complaining that the water here is frozen. If they want to swim, they should have moved to Dagobah.
Where is a Sith Lord when you need one?
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:53:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
It means that a summary of the Toronto Film Festival made it over some damn good and damn funny posts. Methinks there's some mutual pleasuring going on somewhere to seal the deals.
what a grave injustice
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The sand people are easily startled but soon they will be back in greater numbers.
I love you. Post more.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why did i think this would be about arabs?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-10 14:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:24:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking great. Nerd humor is the best...
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You said it!
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' hilarious! Good stuff
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It means that a summary of the Toronto Film Festival made it over some damn good and damn funny posts. Methinks there's some mutual pleasuring going on somewhere to seal the deals.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:18:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
User ID 9. This will likely end up on B@W in a heartbeat.
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what do you mean by that? it's coming off as pretty fucking bitter.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment is a comment.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the skywalkers are fucking snobs
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is so politically correct it makes my balls hurt.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking great. Nerd humor is the best...
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You really should have had the balls to call them 'sand niggers'
it sounds SO much better
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sic the local mob boss Fat Ton...er, Jabba the Hutt on them.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i ate all the pickles in the fridge.
sorry.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
User ID 9. This will likely end up on B@W in a heartbeat.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty money.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um, resolve...damn little notebook keys.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hear ya bro
FUCK ARABS, GO BACK TO EGYPT
GO SOX WOO!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-10 13:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I reslove that you freeze them in carbonite or throw them into The Scarlacc Pit.