Gimme a ship, bitch. (640 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.5 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Manic Velocity (View user info) at 2005-10-10 15:37:00 EDT
"Squire! Bring Christopher Columbus in here!"
"Yes, m'lady."
*Christopher Columbus enters*
"Christopher Columbus?"
"Jesus H. What now?"
"Sir Columbus, rumors abound that you are claiming the world to be spherical. Is this true?"
"Yeah sure. Whatever."
"Sir Columbus..."
"Quit calling me that, lady. I'm a goddamn scientist. Cut the bullshit and give it to me straight."
"Sir Columbus, how do you hope to prove your theory?"
"Gimme a ship."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Oh I'm sorry. Gimme a ship, BITCH."
"Very well. In the event that you fall off the edge of our earth, which is supported in the darkness of space by enormous elephants standing on the back of a big fucking turtle, you must compensate me for the money that will be spent to supply you with your chosen mode of transportation."
"Christ you talk weird."
"Do you agree to pay me the proper amount?"
"Yeah sure. It makes perfect sense to pay you money to get me a ship, when I could use that money to buy my own."
"Very well. However, instead of one ship, you will have three! The Niner, The Pinto, and The Santa's Little Helper."
"What the fuck, lady? How am I supposed to comandeer three ships?"
"You're the bloody scientist. Figure it out, nigga."
"My god you're right. Here's your money."
*A year later*
"Alright, I got these ships. I hope you faggots will be ready to pay up once I sneek up behind you on the other side of the country."
"Sure thing Columbus. Hey, hope the giant squids don't mess you up too bad."
"Fuck off."
And off Columbus went, to prove to that bitch queen that the world was round. I say "was" because it no longer is. That's right. Think I'm lying? Prove me wrong. Yeah, thought so. Punk.
*Some years later*
"Uh, what the hell is this? What's with you jackasses and your braided beards and red hair?"
"Why, we're vikings, lad! What's with you and that pussified Lord Fauntleroy haircut?"
"I'm European."
"Oooooooooooh."
"So what is this place?"
"We're not sure. We found it a while ago. There were some weird people with red skin. They looked freaky so we killed their asses."
"All of them?"
"All that we could find."
"Alright, cool. Well when do you guys plan on leaving?"
"Pretty soon, I guess. There's not much to do here."
*Some time later. The vikings have left.*
"Uh... OH BOY! Well, ummm.... gee!... Look at all this land! I must be the first person to discover this place! Wow!... ok then. I think I'll call it 'America' or something like that. Hrm... I should go back to Europe to tell everyone about it."
*Again, some time later. Columbus has since made it back to Europe.*
"Hey look at that! Columbus came back the same way he left! So, retard, I bet you found the edge of the world, huh?"
"Fuck. Forgot about that."
"Dumbass."
"Wait guys, come back! I found a new area of land!"
"Ah, bullcrap. Yeah, you found new land just like you discovered the world was round."
"C'mon guys, I'm serious."
"Really? Well then, that's a horse of a different color! Hey everybody! Columbus discovered new land!"
And that's how Columbus discovered America. I read it in a history book, once. I'm serious.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-11 10:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-10 18:23:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
This fucking ruled
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-10 19:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
lol... but he didnt discover america. Five hundred years before Columbus considered sailing off
the map's edge, a crew of Norse adventurers arived in north america
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-10 18:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This fucking ruled.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-10 16:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A history lesson told by South Park kids. Good one.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-10 16:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
c'mon guys
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-10 15:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kind of odd... but good..