My Liberal Agenda (830 hits)
Category: PoliticsLabels: Politics
Rating: 1.38 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2005-10-10 20:58:54 EDT
Now, you must understand. I'm a liberal anarchist. Not one of those bleeding heart, save the whales, greenpeacers. There are a number of so called conservative ideals that I support. NRA? Sure, why not! While we're at it, give everybody swords, too. Death penalty? We don't execute enough! Rapist and child molesters should be right up there with murderers. Sodomy by razor blade, anyone? Plus we need to bring back fun ways to kill, like hanging and the firing squad. Oh, and I enjoy going to concert festivals and tossing lit cigarettes at the Stand and Truth.com people.
Most of the time, however, I think the Republican conservatives are trying to control my life.
For Instance -
I am not a Protestant Christian. I have no desire to be "right with" their god. My minor in college was Comparative Theologies. I could teach a class on Eastern Religious Thought. I am not a minority. Between all the Hindu, Jews, Buddhists, Taoists, Muslims, Pagans, Atheists, and what-the-hells, we make up a pretty big chunk of life here. Damn, even the Catholics are a little scared of these people. Don't press your morality on me. And by the way, if your religion was so beautiful, people would flock to it. There's no need to advertise belief like it was a consumer product.
Speaking of consumers, I may not be the most enlightened person, but does anyone actually understand how these tax cuts are suppose to help? I mean it looks good on paper, but "no worky" in real world. Lets make the rich richer so that they can invest in more capitalist endeavors? Gee, I don't know about you, but if had to choose between paying ten dollars an hour for forty hours a week worth of work or paying one dollar an hour for seventy or eighty hours a week worth of work, I'm going with the little brown kid.
Yes, I said brown kid. I like brown people. And black and yellow and red and even purple. (Ya know, bruises.) Any more, I'm not too fond of white people, and I'm one of them. Good 'ol Strom Thurman must be spinning in his grave to know that Barrak Obama was elected the THIRD African American senator. From Illinois of all places! Why is it that so many black people are Democrats? Oh, that because black people are only good for entertainment according to the GOP!
But only good clean entertainment. Nice family fun! We can't have any dirty words, sex or violence. Well, violence is okay. Long live Governor Swartzenager! Inquisitor Ashcroft thought a bare breasted statue of justice was just over the top. At least he had it covered up before it destroyed the innocence of millions of children. Unlike that brazen whore Janet Jackson. How will we ever recover!?!? Michael Powell and the FCC (Ya, know - Family Crisis Center) must decide what is evil or not. Holy shit, ma... look! It's a black republican. (Why is it every time someone says the GOP is racist, they have to point to Collin Powell. Name me one other African American. And don't say Condolezza Rice. She doesn't count.)
On the topic of women, we come to abortion. The one topic no one wants to talk about. Here, watch me talk about it. I'm not pro-life or pro-choice. I'm pro-abortion. We need to kill more babies. I'm not joking! See, I believe in reincarnation. (Oh-oh, theology again.) I'll kill the babies myself, bash their little skulls in. Baby dead, wait a minute... 1, 2, 3, Baby reborn! Probably to someone who wants it this time. Someone who's able to take care of it. Yeah, yeah, they could just put it up for adoption. But only rich white people adopt, so they want little white babies.
"But what about the sanctity of life?" you ask. Yeah, what about it? When the GOP's shinning star, Ronald Reagan, was dying of Alzheimer's, he could have been saved by various forms of stem cell research. Go grab me a fetus! But babies are innocent! Yeah, but what about original sin? Oh, snap! In a culture obsessed with youth, you think we would be ready to try anything. We inject pig botchulism into our faces, give it a new age name like Botox, and we're set. But what ever you do, don't buy medicine from Canada. Didn't you know those primitive Canuck shamans will try and kill you? I bet they spike their meds with Anthrax.
MMMM... anthrax. Chemical and biological weapons are yummy. I heard that WMD's are low in carbs. Since we have them laying all over the place, they should be a part of everyone's diet. Wait a minute, there aren't stockpiles of WMD's? Oh, they're only in the United States. See, we're the Good Guys, so we're allowed to have them. Anyone else is a dirty, dirty terrorist.
The war pissed me off for a lot of reasons - Probably not the ones you would think. Granted, we decided to give the finger to the UN. That was stupid. And we decided that Sadam and Osama were obviously in cahoots. Even though they were drastically different kinds of Muslims. Imagine Mormons and Methodists - both Christian. (Hell, Iraq had women wearing pants. They were probably like number six on Osama's hit list.) That was ignorant. And our intelligence was convinced that Iraq had enough weapons to start WWIII. Yeah, guys on camels with muskets. That was ridiculous. No, it's that after all that, we had a pussy little war. Let's show how compassionate we are by only bombing every forth house. Shit guys, let's make some war!!! This is what Russia was scared of for years?
And we chose four more years of this. Jesus - Bloody - Fucking - Christ. Now, I'm not saying that the President is the tool of Satan. He's just a little... silly. These are just questions I have, opinions. Things that I wonder about that make me take Excedrin. Who knows. Maybe you think I'm a sanctimonious bastard. (You'd be right.) I'm asking, can anyone explain this to me? Now I've depressed myself. I'm goin' to bed. Maybe I'll sleep through the next few years...
Now... how many people won't realize this is Satire...
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-11 18:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
usually, posts like this get the -2 pounded out of them - I think you're getting a lot of respect around here, my friend...
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-10-11 11:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me likey
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2005-10-11 10:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like ur flag
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-11 09:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Phallic_Cymbol... Apollo88... Thanatos...
I wrote this a while back after reading John Stewart's book "America: The Book." I found it hysterical and quite honestly, inspirational. It made me think of my own view points and what would happen if I took them to the extream. It was suppose to come across as irrational and humorous. I made sure to mention it was Satire, because I didn't want readers to actually think I was this much of a Whack-job.
Thanks for the honest reviews. I wasn't too sure about posting this and you've given me a lot to think about how I structure something like this if I do it again.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-11 09:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:18:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Alan Keyes
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Damn it Rad!!!!! Forgot about that guy...
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-10-11 09:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-11 01:54:33 (#)
Ranking: -1
I completely fail to see how this is satirical. What on Earth does it satirize?
It seems to me you just added that to cover your back against people who were going to argue with you. Then you could say "it was satire" and they would hopefully be too dim to actually think about what that meant.
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I agree. There wasn't much in terms of outright humor or satire excepting only the NRA and abortion parts.
Why does it seem like Democrats and/or liberals think Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice 'don't count'. What, by becoming Republicans they turned white? If that was true 99% of blacks would become Republicans. And yes, I know there are very few minorities in the GOP. Thx info.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-11 09:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed with most of it, especially the part about Truth.com, I hate those fuckers.
I would love to have a conversation with you on the subject of religion.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-11 07:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:17:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just watched "bubba ho-tep" and because of that, I read this whole thing in with an Elvis accent.
It sounded AWESOME.
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Best comment I've read in weeks. "It wuz big as a ham sammich."
Better than most political posts, but not my cup of tea.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-10-11 06:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even thought i hate talkin politics , this was pretty good
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-11 04:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry dude but any piece that feels the need to point out that it is satire or indeed anything else isn't confident that it's message has got across properly.
If you, the author don't even think people will get it, then why present it?
It insults my intelligence.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any more, I'm not too fond of white people, and I'm one of them.
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Apologist.
Statements like this make people like me start to think that the white power people may be onto something.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snakes On A Plane - http://tinyurl.com/9rw24 , http://tinyurl.com/7adn9
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:21:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reactionary extremists need to come to the middle.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Soviet Union was worried about mutually assured destruction.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alan Keyes
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-11 01:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I completely fail to see how this is satirical. What on Earth does it satirize?
It seems to me you just added that to cover your back against people who were going to argue with you. Then you could say "it was satire" and they would hopefully be too dim to actually think about what that meant.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-10-11 00:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-11 00:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
menthols? when people complained about the excessive and obvious marketing of menthols to black people, they weren't talking about people who had 'black' souls, dude.
i suck down unfiltered camels :)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-10 23:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HighFructoseCornSyrup (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:27:40 (#)
Ranking: -1
I agree with quite a bit of this, but it's still shitty.
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Yeah HFCS, because you've contributed so much to this site. Thank you.
Someone get rid of this alter...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-10 23:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:27:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Oh, and I enjoy going to concert festivals and tossing lit cigarettes at the Stand and Truth.com people."
you may like my poetry on the 'other' site, but this fact alone guarantees you are my idol. what do you smoke?
Kool Full Flavored. I Love My Menthol!!!!!!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighFructoseCornSyrup (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I agree with quite a bit of this, but it's still shitty.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Oh, and I enjoy going to concert festivals and tossing lit cigarettes at the Stand and Truth.com people."
you may like my poetry on the 'other' site, but this fact alone guarantees you are my idol. what do you smoke?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good 'ol Strom Thurman must be spinning in his grave to know that Barrak Obama was elected the THIRD African American senator. From Illinois of all places!
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I watch the senate and the house debates on CSPAN. I like this guy.
Submitted by ChronicMasturbator (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JALALALALALALALALALA+2
Submitted by TweakinIan (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-10-10 22:00:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A bit rambly. Like me. I like it a lot.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
This is an instant winner. Kudos, matey. Kudos.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit Kaos, don't hold back, how do you really feel?
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this a lot.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"in with"...i always delete shit, then leave shit.
my tragic flaw.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just watched "bubba ho-tep" and because of that, I read this whole thing in with an Elvis accent.
It sounded AWESOME.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-10-10 21:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I had small children again, I would rather they see pictures of
people having sex than have them see pictures of war and abortion. Call me liberal
or an idiot, I really don't give a shit. Sex (without violence) is fine,
murder/torture is not.
I don't think there was as much satire as you indicate. . .