Redneck Wedding (4831 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.92 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bluto (View user info) at 2005-10-11 01:35:11 EDT
This past weekend was my stepsister's wedding. I went for two reasons:
A.) To be polite
B.) An excuse to get off work.
I really don't spend time with my stepmother or her side of the family because they're the most redneck, hillbilly motherfuckers in Indiana. Don't doubt me, you'll regret it later.
I show up and immediately see that I'm overdressed. I'm one of THREE people wearing a tie at the entire event. The other two were the minister and the photographer. The fucking groom was wearing khaki pants and a button up camouflage shirt. Under his camo shirt was a t-shirt that read, "Get 'er Drunk, then Get 'er Done." How do I know what his undershirt said? Because he stripped back down to only that just minutes after he could mutter "I do."
I'd never seen more camouflage in my whole life. You'd think we were about to go hunting. Elderly people, middle aged people, even the children were wearing camouflage. I have a feeling that I'd have trouble finding camouflaged clothing at the local Walmart right now.
I had uncles I've never even met offering me beer all night, even if I had one in my hand already. Not that anyone cared, but let's not forget, I'm not yet of American legal drinking age.
Strangely out of place, the bride was wearing a white dress and a veil. Who'd have guessed that?
The wedding was held in the bed of a fucking pickup truck. I'll repeat that. It was in the bed of a 1999 Ford F-150, next to creek in the groom's mother's backyard. The bride was carried from the shed to the aisle on an ATV, where she was greeted by her father who walked her down the aisle to a tape of "Here Comes the Bride" which, instead of being looped on the tape, had to be stopped, rewound, and restarted 3 times during the ceremony.
Jeff Foxworthy would have had a fucking field day with these people. Cigarettes were being lit, beers being opened, and tobacco being spit during the recitation of the vows. 5 seconds after they were declared husband and wife, the groom's sister began a chant of "Git-R-Dun," which sent me into a fit of laughter, not at the phrase, but at how well it fit into the atmosphere of the time.
Five minutes after the "I dos" were shared, the bride and groom were both enjoying the open bar, each with multiple drinks in hand. Apparently, that getting married shit got in the way of their drinking time.
I find someone to inquire as to the whereabouts of the honeymoon. I find the groom's mother, and as I ask her, I'm expecting her to respond "Monster truck show." I'm almost taken aback when she says "Maui."
I don't know what was served for dinner. All I could tell is that it was dead, and it was ridiculously overcooked. Along with my dead animal, I had corn, potatoes, gravy, and casserole to choose from. Of course, what would a good dinner be if I weren't offered my share of beer to wash it down with?
Shortly after my meal, my cousin walks over to me and asks if I have any papers, then he offers me a beer. When I tell him no, on both counts, he continues to search for papers as I head off to find a quiet place to rest my head.
I felt like Lorraine Bracco at her wedding in "Goodfellas," except replace the big, greasy Italians with dirty, lanky Hoosiers.
After a quick smoke break, I returned to find that the DJ was blaring some tunes. After hearing "Achy-Breaky Heart" the second time, I was damn near ready to bounce the fuck up out of that joint when I was shocked to see the next offer: "Dance with the Bride--$5."
"Nice." I leaned over and whispered to my stepmother. "Prostitution is always a good way to raise money. How much money has the groom saved up for tonight?"
As the sun went down, the night was punctuated with fireworks. As I walked back and forth from the beverage cooler, 35-40 of these people, most of whom I'm now related to through marriage, sat saucer-eyed and watched the pyrotechnics.
As the festivities wore down, I noticed as some of the men had gathered by the tool shed to discuss the weekend's NASCAR race. The women had begun cleaning shit up, and I was on my way out the door. All I could think of was "Fuck, I'm related to these people."
As I was leaving, it dawned on me: This marriage will probably outlast 75% of any "traditional" marriage. Sure, after 7-8 years, that will all be spent in a trailer park, struggling to feed their 9 children from a janitor's paycheck.
I'll see them on COPS in about ten years, my stepsister standing outside the trailor, screaming and yelling to the police officers: "Don't arrest him! I love him! Sure, he may belch, fart, drink warm beer, beat me and the kids, and watch the Dukes of Hazzard every night, but I love him!"
And in the end, I guess that's all that really matters.
Random Google Image search: Redneck
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-16 19:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-11 20:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, nice.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-11 17:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining
Submitted by cbear1856 (user info) at 2005-10-11 17:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I went to a family wedding in Iowa, brides father wore a bowling shirt and jeans with holes to his daughters wedding
As for the booze, theres that old saying
"no self respecting redneck can refuse a beer on the day of his daughters/sisters/cousins wedding"
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-11 08:25:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
There was no mention of firearms! You mean to tell me that a redneck wedding had no firearms displayed and/or shooting?
I have family in southern Illinois, and they are quite redneck as well, but no where near as redneck as your family.
While a firearms section would have been interesting, the events you have read about were all true. Unfortunately, not once did any of my relatives begin playing with firearms. It's a damn shame, too, for with as drunk as some of them were, many limbs would have been put in jeopardy.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74761
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-10-11 14:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I'm a redneck from Vermont.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-11 12:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's what I call a party!
Submitted by Norman (user info) at 2005-10-11 12:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-10-11 07:10:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
... And in Indianapolis, the State Capital, at the Heart of the Crossraods of America, you will find the only Formula 1 Race in North America. Take THAT, you buncha bicoastal bisectuals and eurosnobs.
---------------------------------------------
Last time I checked, Montreal was in North America. Seems like that redneck map wasn't too much of a stretch.
Submitted by houseman (user info) at 2005-10-11 12:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a redneck and proud of it.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-11 10:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since I moved out of the city.... I'm now the offical redneck of the family!!!
GO REDNECKS!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-11 10:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. I have lots of redneck relatives too, they're a real hoot.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-11 10:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a hoosier. I dislike NASACAR.
I take offense to this post.
GO IRISH
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-11 10:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-11 09:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-11 08:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And that's all that really matters.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-11 08:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was no mention of firearms! You mean to tell me that a redneck wedding had no firearms displayed and/or shooting?
I have family in southern Illinois, and they are quite redneck as well, but no where near as redneck as your family.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-11 08:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that sounds like a fun wedding, for real.!!!1
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-11 07:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When (if?) I get married I don't want a ceremony.
I'll have a big funeral though. I'll be paying for that, mind.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2005-10-11 07:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm a Hoosier. I had to read this post twice a) to make sure it wasn't my sister's wedding (but she drives a '94 F150) and b) 'cos I have to read everything twice (I'll just say it so you don't have to). It's a great State, full of interesting people with simple values. We grow corn, drink beer, and still hang out, on occasion, at the Tastee Freeze like John Mellencamp (a Hoosier) says we do. And in Indianapolis, the State Capital, at the Heart of the Crossraods of America, you will find the only Formula 1 Race in North America. Take THAT, you buncha bicoastal bisectuals and eurosnobs.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-11 03:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Were there invitations sent out? Were they written on the back of beer labels? That would've been classy- I feel sorry for you.
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The story was worth a little. The image at the end is golden! +2 for you!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i killed the monster and ate his brains with a shovel!
there, i said it.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2005-10-11 02:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-11 01:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAR, not lear.
Jesus.
Have another +2 because I'm an idjit.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-11 01:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can lear the litany of "do what?"s that must have rang out throughout the day.
Or the ever popular "do what, now?"
"Do you, Cletus General Robert E. Lee Bushnell, take Lorrie Ann Bobbie Jo Traylor to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do."
"Do what?"