So Uhhhh, What Are You Wearing? (1158 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.59 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryuu.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-11 15:10:42 EDT
Five hours into work trying to come up with something creative to post, then it finally hit me: I should give up and post this instead.
I'm looking down at myself, sitting in my chair. I inhale the scent of my new shirt and admire how it overlaps my khakis like a fat chick's gunt. These are the only pair of pants that my tiny-assed waist actually needs a belt for. The wide pants trail down until they overlap my dirty white shoes. They're not disgustingly filthy, but they've got the tinge of grey and brown on them with some wear, similiar to how a baseball looks after a couple of good games. Where did my mismatched, no-sense-of-style shit come from?
My shirt was a gift from my girlfriend. She picked it up this weekend, more than likely inspired by throwing around too many Anchorman quotes. It's also funny that it's draped around a skeleton of a guy (see attached). This $12 sale shirt is better than most of the crap she's given me for Christmas and my birthday.
My pants are not really mine. They're from my ex-friend's sister-in-law's ex-boyfriend. She had just moved in and was getting out of a messy relationship with a crazy guy. And by crazy, I mean he's got a restraining order on him from his own sister because he raped her. Sounds like a winner to me! At any rate, after she'd cleaned up all of her stuff and some of his garbage (because he was too lazy to and it was all going to get thrown out), she decides that she might want to wash all of the stuff before figuring out what to do with it. When I say "all of the stuff" I mean "all of her clothes", including pants and shirts. During this fateful night, I walk to my front door and turn the key. I'm completely oblivious to anyone else but the person on the phone with me. Like a ton of flabby, untanned bitchy sea-donkey bricks, she hits me. I'm greeted with an "OHMYGOD!" by her in her gigantic bra and panties.
"Do you want some pants?"
"JUST LEAVE THEM AT MY DOOR!"
*slams door*
My black boxers have "KoRn" embroided around the waistband and a big fat logo on the side. I actually paid money for these and I'm sure it was something obscene. I got them from a Hot Topic. It was well over half a decade ago but they're not falling apart and my girlfriend hasn't done the laundry yet so uhhhh....maybe I should've gone commando. My friends and I were into the KoRn thing a little bit before their popularity climaxed and they sold out completely.
My standard white socks have no stories. They get thrown out after too many lonely nights only to be replaced by newer, softer replicates. Growing up with three brothers, my dog used to chew up our socks (and boxers) as a puppy and shit them out all over the yard. You could tell who's socks they were by those colored bands at the top. But now since I have no dog nor sibling living with me, my socks are pure as the driven snow. One of these days, I'll stop writing my name on the bottom of them in permanent marker.
Lastly, my shoes. Last year's Adidas' Kevin Garnett's. Ooh and ahhh! These were picked up at a mall this summer after my other shoes started falling apart. The sole on the right just sort of fell out so there was sticky shit harassing my feet with every step I took. It was time to get new shoes. I'm still not sure why people are forced to pay that much money for a shoe that an athlete endorses. The children that make this crap get paid less annually than it costs to purchase one pair. One thing that gets on my nerves is people commenting on new shoes. Ooooooh, someone got new kicks! They're so white! First off, they're shoes. You're not hip, shut the fuck up. Second, if the immaculate gleam of my shoes is distracting you from your everyday routine (read: stealing oxygen from those more deserving), please allow me to misplace them, one at a time, squarely in your rectal cavity.
It's not rabbits or emus or boobies or rape. I'll try harder next time, uber. Here's a picture of what my shirt looks like, only it's brown with white lettering.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-20 16:11:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause I'm still laughing at Jeanneee's reply
this is all i can get through today. I may come back and finish the job though i suspect that its unlikely. write something new. B
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 18:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go Captain Morgan.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-11-18 11:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have Jenna Jameson's gaping gash over my head and I'm wearing her as a hat.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2005-10-12 00:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i find my body hair is quite comfortable, and thick enough to pass as a body suit in a pinch.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-10-11 18:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-11 17:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something interesting..."
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've just been reminded that apparently, Grapefruits aren't nothing.
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
black tanktop with black lace lining the top and bottom
black skirt with velvet and satin tiers ( i think that's what i would call it. it's a skirt, no layers.. but different sections going down, satin, velvet, satin, velvet.. tiers.. or large stripes or something?) seperated by white lace
black hoodie
white socks
red docs with oversized eyelets to accomidate the ribbon laces (i love these boots)
white lace underwear & bra
it's gloomy out, i'm dressed gloomily.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm wearing Jeanneee.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sassmaster's linkwhorage reminded me...underneath my polo shirt, I'm wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt.
To learn more about Spider-Man, and his uniform: http://www.ubersite.com/m/76866
Here's another +2 for dealing with my shameless self-promotion.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two nipple and one clit ring
Oh and socks.... cause it's chilly out.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus was all about the sock and sandal combination.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm wearing this sassy shirt! http://www.ubersite.com/m/76869
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice Jeaneee. Nice.
As for this guy, I'm sporting a bright yellow addidas track suit (navy stripes) with a
sweet beater underneath. I am wearing a sombrero filled with salsa and chips around the brim.
I have cubbie blue argyle socks with Pimento colored gators on my feets.
My accesories include a bandage over my left eye, a "Black Enterprise" tattoo on my neck,
platinum fronts, aviators, Iverson like braids, green lipstick, and a candy cigg.
Str8 Thuggin some would say.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-11 16:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O-matron? you got your black socks from Jesus? KICKASS!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, I'll probably be the only guy answering this with something detailed, but I'm only doing it because it just occurred to me that everything I've got on is from Gap. I'm readying the shotgun now to put me out of my Unintentional Consumer Whore misery.
Black polo shirt (Gap), grey boot cut jeans (Gap), white boxer briefs with red hearts on them (Gap), black socks (Jesus!).
This is a sad, sad day. Never should I be this coordinated.
Just call me Metrorgasmatron.
Sigh.
And fuck you if you snicker at my behearted boxers. There was a Valentine's Day sale, ok?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nothing
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boxers, a wife beater, one ankle sock, and one tube sock.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:23:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
chicken suit and a necklace made out of dildos
------
Ahahaaaaaaaa Everyday just a little bit more J. Everyday.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause I'm still laughing at Jeanneee's reply
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The blood of 12 uber virgins...and a smile
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:26:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To respond to your title, I'm wearing:
Black dress-cargo capris (when I bought them I thought they were full-length and ma just too lazy to take them back)
white men's button down shirt that I stole from my flatmate about a year ago for his company's Christmas Party. I spent the whole party chatting up the bouncer.
Pink Chuck Taylor's (I've worn this style since I was 5. I like to have a trademark)
Pink, black, white and grey stripey socks (they make my feet look like ghey bumblebees.)
red bra (It's satiny and has little laces holding the cups together)
red boy-shorts knickers (I like to match the bra and panties.)
dangly earrings that look kinda like silver bogeys
a headache, gifted to me by ragweed and mold.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
chicken suit and a necklace made out of dildos
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A loincloth with tube socks and birkenstocks
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*deep, gravelly voice*
"I'm wearing a sting bikini on my freshly douched vagaina."
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-11 15:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm wearing a hot pink satin thong...