Maharishi Fattifatbastard’s Guide to Zen (501 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.78 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <lossy boy> (View user info) at 2005-10-12 06:00:00 EDT
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air.
It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse.
From there on in, life gets worse.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-12 12:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
old
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-10-12 10:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was wondering if you would put this apple on top of your head. I am going to shoot it off with my gun, but don't worry. I have been practicing really hard since yesterday and feel that I can do it this time.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-12 09:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm in a good mood this morning, so I'm not going to shit on you. I will give you some advice, though. Don't post shit we all get over email. Unless you have some RARE find that you think nobody will have gotten from their aunt, don't post email shit.
Also, open any .bmp files you may have with MS Paint, go to "save as" and change the file type to .jpeg. That way the pic will show up and not some dumb link.
Welcome to uber, and have fun.
What the fuck is wrong with me this morning?!?!!??!
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-10-12 08:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"So, how's that working out for you?"
"What?"
"Being clever,"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 08:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Confucious say: This post, like a geyser, blows.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-12 07:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
email? CHECK!
bitmap? CHECK!
-2? CHECK!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 07:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
now post the email forward about Zimbabwe money scams, and one about what real friends are and how I have to forward it to everyone I know...then your trifecta of crap will be complete and we can crown you 'King of The Unholy Butthump'
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-10-12 06:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You made baby jeebus cry.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-12 06:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was pathetic, I'm actually embarrassed for you.