Maybe I should just... not do that anymore. (1681 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.78 on 68 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-12 13:26:09 EDT
About a year ago, the living room curtain fell down.
Let's not go into why. All you need to know is that it was the Boy's fault and that being hit on the head with an eight foot wooden pole will disorient even the toughest wannabe egyptian mummy.
Since then, it's been kind of an ongoing project. Every weekend the Dutchman and I would optimistically make a trip to the hardware store and drag all the power tools out of the laundry cupboard, where he keeps them in the hope that they'll simply vanish into the laundry vortex like his underwear and I'll stop getting brilliant ideas like "Let's put up some more shelves. Now. Right now. What do you mean, it's midnight? Who cares?"
Every Saturday for months we'd return with $50 worth of confusingly intricate wooden things and some extra screws - in case the screws we already had were the wrong type or something and that's why we kept failing - and Get On With Getting The Job Done. This generally involved drinking coffee and making intelligent noises at the bare, curtainless windowframe. "Hmmmm" we'd say, and "Uh-huh, there's the problem" and "So what we need is some kind of backing support."
Sometimes he'd stand on a chair and stick his finger in the holes in the plaster.
"It's plaster," he'd say, to which I responded with an intelligent "Uh-huh."
Then we'd spend an hour or two looking at all the OTHER curtains in the room, which were still hanging.
"See how that's up there?" he'd say, and I appropriately responded with "Yep. It's up there all right."
I'd tap the walls. "Yes, these are plaster too." He'd nod intelligently.
It was like a wonderful little puzzle. Take three wooden fixtures with holes in, six screws, and twenty-five pounds of curtain and curtain rod, and stick them to a wall. The trick is, see, that plaster walls have this tendency to not support any weight when it's being concentrated on six skinny bits of metal.
"Shoddy building in this house," he'd say, at which I'd nod. Intelligently.
After a while of this, we'd take out the power drill, punch a couple more holes in the wall, break some stuff, fall over, and say "We'll finish next weekend."
I swear to fuck, by last week we had more curtain-fixing stuff, and fewer actual curtains, than anyone else in the street. We also had a wall that, if you were so inclined, you could stare at for a while and make constellations out of. The constellation "You guys fucking suck, stop touching the appliances" for example.
We have a guy who comes around every month to mow the lawns and keep the Amazon Jungle in the backyard under control. Awesome guy, big Maori bloke. He has this really thick Kiwi accent, and he and the Dutchman can stand outside for hours, happily not understanding a word the other one says. "Great guy, Ned," says the Dutchman, coming inside. "Yeah? What were you talking about? "I dunno."
Last week he came inside for a coffee and noticed the lack of curtains. "I can put those up for you," he offered.
"Well," says I, wisely, "They're very thin walls. We're thinking we'll have to put some kind of timber.... bit.. up there... and put the fixtures on that to spread the weight out..."
I trailed off here on account of how he was looking at me with something far too close to pity for me to feel comfortable.
"You don't have any [unintelligible] then?"
"Ergh?" I asked, trying to sound as though whatever it was he was talking about was a foolish little doodad and therefore beneath the awesome intellectual capacity of myself and the Dutchman.
"It's a bolt, right? With a butterfly on it? To hold it inside the wall?"
I fetched the weird fucking screw thing that had fallen out of the wall and brought down a chunk of plaster a year ago. "I didn't know what it was... I thought maybe it was part of the wiring but nothing blew up so I didn't worry about it."
He had it fixed in half an hour. Cost us $10.
And then I fired him and had sex with his wife. Smartarsed bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you the silly cunt that lived in my house before I rented it that took all the doors down in every room, put holes in all walls, put that horrible swirly stuff on every surface that faces downwards including the friggin cellar???
Dismantled anything designed to keep dirt from getting into cracks and crevices, put stupid tacky wooden slats up on the bedroom walls, painted them sky blue with an old and damaged brush, painted the kitchen lime green and yellow, nailed pieces of carpet randomly to the floor, used emulsion on the stairs which now collects more dirt and hair than Andrew WK, and took every imaginable item with you when you left including lampshades, door knobs and fixings, cupboard doors and wallpaper?
You'd better not be.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-10-25 16:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock. I'd fuck you (even though you suck at home improvement).
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-21 09:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you the silly cunt that lived in my house before I rented it that took all the doors down in every room, put holes in all walls, put that horrible swirly stuff on every surface that faces downwards including the friggin cellar???
Dismantled anything designed to keep dirt from getting into cracks and crevices, put stupid tacky wooden slats up on the bedroom walls, painted them sky blue with an old and damaged brush, painted the kitchen lime green and yellow, nailed pieces of carpet randomly to the floor, used emulsion on the stairs which now collects more dirt and hair than Andrew WK, and took every imaginable item with you when you left including lampshades, door knobs and fixings, cupboard doors and wallpaper?
You'd better not be.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-10-13 18:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss your posts so much.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-13 10:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehehe. You silly, silly little girl.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-13 07:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet post
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-13 07:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the addition of pictures to go along with your little story
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-13 05:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the greatest post in the world but your writing is adorable.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-10-13 04:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-13 04:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was kind of meh.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2005-10-12 22:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Molly Bolt... the fixture, not the wife
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-12 21:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:11:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
Jerkasses like you who fuck up perfectly good walls dont deserve to own houses.
A pox on you and yer brood
GO SOX WOO!!
--------------------------
oh for fuck's sake, Habeeb...
sorry, somehow he got out of his cage!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-12 21:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could've helped you in FIVE minutes with those rods and holes.
Oh, wait, you were talking about your HOUSE!
Um...uhhhh...what?
Never mind. :-p
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-10-12 20:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read your post.
It looked long.
Fruit.
*wide grin*
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-10-12 20:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda called me. This past summer I helped a friend hang a bunch of curtains. Well ok, I handed her the stuff and watched her do the work. But I was there!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-12 18:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your curtain and curtain rod weigh 25 pounds? Do you live in a bomb shelter or something?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first half of this is pure A.A. Milne - were he inclined to follow his natural inclination and use "fuck" a lot more. Brilliant.
The last half just made me laugh AT (not with) you for being retarded - home improvement-wise.
Woo, boy. There's yin and yang comin' together in one post for ya.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never read a bad post from you.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You just wrote about my house and the exact same conversations my wife and I have when doing home improvement.
Wife says, "Can you hang up this picture?"
"Sure"
Two hours later wife says, "It's crooked."
Four hours later, fifteen holes in the wall, a gallon of spackle.
Wife says, "I don't like it there."
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel better about my house of many horrors, now.
And aren't you supposed to be fucking my husband's wife?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha
This was fucking awesome.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The secret to home improvement is alcohol consumption and the ability to write a check.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good luck.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blah Blah Blah...you fucking rock....blah blah blah.
I swear I am going to make an audio recording of how much I think you rule and just play it when you post.
Tell the Dutchman he has competition. If he leaves, I got next.
I swear that isn't as brash and rude as it sounds.....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-12 15:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't give this a +2, since you reminded me of all the crap I have to do on my house...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 15:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:56:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Houses = Endless money pits.
=============
Awe Tiger, I don't agree...I've made a decent amount of money on the real estate moves I've made.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-10-12 15:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sawzall!!!!
I knew there was something missing from my life. I worked for a contractor one summer and using the Sawzall was like when Tommy Lee Jones whips out that gigantic freakin' gun in Men in Black.
Fuck work, I'm going to the hardware store now. These people can damn well teach themselves about the proton-proton chain.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 15:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS - I was all ready to drop bombs on your list but then I thought about 'tinkerer' so I guess I'll agree, that's enough tools to get you through some stuff.
Some things to add
Drywall pan and assorted knives
A good 10+ screwdriver set
A Dremel
SLedge hammer
Wonderbar
man I could go on and on
SAWZALL
Worm drive skill saw
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-10-12 15:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Houses = Endless money pits.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:54:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet that if the house was on a two inch scale the Dutchman could fix everything.... it's size that matters you know...
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:44:32 (#)
Coyote, it'd be a lot easier to shag your wife if she'd stop pretending she's not home when I come over. I can HEAR her behind the door - "Who is it? Is it that red-headed whore? Get rid of her!"
Just because I accidentally drugged her, tied her up and pierced her nipples ONE time...
------
Which reminds me, I still have your bill for that sitting on my desk waiting to be paid.
But since when does drinking margaritas with someone count as drugging them?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:45:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another thing I thought of that is fun to work on is a vacuum cleaner. Taking those bitches apart, cleaning them, and resporing them to showroom functionality is a passion of mine.
The following list is what I consider an essential tool collection for any professional tinkerer:
1 Drill (cordless preferable)
1 Drill Bit Set (with screwdriver heads included)
1 each medium Philips and Straight head screwdrivers (because you don't always want to drag out the electric drill for small jobs like poking kittens)
2 Adjustable wrenches (2 in case you have to hold both ends of a nut/bolt assembly)
1 Pair Pliers (for pinching exposed plumber butts)
1 Hammer (for when frustration sets in)
Metal Coathangers (These come in handy all the fucking time for everything from breaking into your car when you lock the keys in, to performing abortions.)
1 Soldering Iron
1 Roll Solder
1 set Allen wrenches
1 roll black electrical tape
1 tube super glue
1 Jar or tackle box full of assorted knick knacks (screws, nails, brackets, wires, chips, buttons, batteries, etc.) Basically, these are the extra parts you've saved over the years from putting things back together and having pieces left over. What can't be used for it's intended purpose is always good for an unintended one.
Hope that's all helpful to someone.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, it'd be a lot easier to shag your wife if she'd stop pretending she's not home when I come over. I can HEAR her behind the door - "Who is it? Is it that red-headed whore? Get rid of her!"
Just because I accidentally drugged her, tied her up and pierced her nipples ONE time...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so close to finishing my master bathroom, I can't wait to post it.
Of course the main bath is right behind it due to the drip that started in my kitchen the other day.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can take comfort in the fact that no matter how many holes you put in the walls, you still have awesome finials.
But you know damn well the only person's wife you're supposed to be having sex with is mine.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did Crystal just say 'giggity giggity?'
Fucking Crystal Quagmire. Nice.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow - Badass and nitty have made me go all girly and giggly...
and I'm the girl that fixes everything myself - my brothers made me learn how. But honestly - I don't wanna...
Anyone want to move out to Cali and be a permanent handi-man on call? I can't afford to support you, but I can cook...
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Disposals can be a tricky beast. Had to rig mine to open without dragging when I installed 3/4" hardwoods in the kitchen. I find it best to just pull the whole fucker out every now and then and hose the reservoir bin down. That shit can get funky.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as they're white blinds:
Don't kill yourself scrubbing each one. Take them off while they're in the 'down' position and open. Fill your tub with hot water and a cup of dishwashing liquid, cup of bleach.
GENTLY lay the blinds in the tub (folding them over on top of themselves is ok) and soak for an hour. After that, you should be able to just wipe them clean. It will fucking amaze you how dirty the water/wiping towel will get.
Have fun
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever tackled a garbage disposal? I had to fix mine the other day. Fun stuff really.
I love it when you have that 'EUREKA!' moment and finally figure out that the damn thing won't come apart because there is this tiny hidden screw in a place you never thought to look, then once you get it completely apart and find nothing wrong with it, you put it back together to discover it has mysteriously begun working again.
Makes me want to disassemble things to see if I can make them work BETTER!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS - Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. Because I've bookmarked that site and now I can fuck things up for years and years and years and pretend to know what i'm talking about while I do it!
(The blind-cleaning thing, by the way, is exactly what i need to get started on trying not to ruin them.)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to clean your shades, look at the ends of them - the supports. You'll see there is probably a small squarish bit on each end that holds the whole mechanism to the wall. This is the support bracket. They are usually made of plastic too. There is a thin plate over the front of that square that simply slides into place. Sliding it out will free the entire mechanism from the wall. You can clearly see what I mean in the following site: http://www.blinds-hub.com/2ir/vinyl-blinds.html
Here are another website that will help in this mammother undertaking: http://doityourself.com/clean/cleaningblindsshades.htm
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS - Stay away from the livestock, boy.
Badass - I rock at fixing cabinets!! See, I had this cupboard and the top hinge broke out of the wood and made it all splintery so what I did, right, right, was TAKE OFF THE HINGES AND TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN AND PUT THE HINGES ON THE OTHER SIDE TO AVOID THE BROKEN-WOOD PROBLEM ALTOGETHER!!
.....
Yeah, yeah. I'm ashamed of myself.
What I CAN do, though, is replace the spin solenoid in a washing machine. All by myself. Properly.
Also I can repair toasters. And, uh.... well, that's it, really. Washing machines and toasters. If your crumpets are coming out overdone, I'm your girl. For anything else, call Ned.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jerkasses like you who fuck up perfectly good walls dont deserve to own houses.
A pox on you and yer brood
GO SOX WOO!!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeez now I guess I have to top nitty.
Ok to fill holes in plaster...small holes can be filled with wadded napkin and then plastered over...this only works if you are simply looking to cover the hole, not if you intend to screw into it.
If the you intend to use the whole again your fix gets harder. There are really 2 options, first is to cut out the drywall to two studs and replace the piece of drywall. The other option works well for smaller holes, there is a product called DURABOND. You have to mix it as it comes in powder form but it dries harder than Gypsum board.
Ok is cabinet repair next...how bout some woodwork?
nitty...interstate GC business?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You put holes in stuff and forget why.
I put stuff in holes and forget why.
Which is worse?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:04:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your house looks like a hotel room.
But who cares cause I got free ND tickets today!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:02:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.bestfitrecruiting.com/images/roof%20anchor%20screws.jpg
You're welcome.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 14:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nitty..... will you come here and live in our linen cupboard and fix things?
Please?
You know ever so much and I'm just a foolish girl...
(insert fluttery eyelashes, etc, and assorted other girly stuff I'm really not very good at, like giggling and simpering and stuff)
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the repainting:
Tear off a little more plaster (from the existing hole) with paing on it. The store can computer match it exactly. Make sure to buy plaster to spackle the hole with. I recommend the kind that goes on yellow but dries white - so you know when it's dry enough to sand and paint.
For the door:
Make sure you measure the frame. As much as I'd like doors to be standard - they aren't. Also measure the old door. I doubt the wood will have warped enough to skew the measurement by more than a quarter- to a half-inch.
For the blinds:
They're attached at the sides by little square ports the blinds slide into. The ports have doors that either swing open or pop out, and then you just slide the blinds out towards you.
For the bolt that won't come out:
Twisting it out by itself could be hard as hell. Get the longest screwdriver you have to add torque. Thread the screwdriver through the hole in the bolt and spin the screwdriver. Counterclockwise. It will come out easily.
For more help, log onto nittyhasloadsofuselssfuckingknowledge.com
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FaithlessWhisper - That is purely brilliant. I'm going to say that to anyone that asks. With a perfectly straight face. And then just keep on talking as though it was a totally reasonable thing to say.
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps you put those holed in your house for the same reason that bakers fork holes in the pies they bake? So your home won't explode.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
leilani, honey, it's a trap! They make you think that and then, half a year later, they're standing there next to you and saying "Maybe we should, uh... you know.. call Ned."
(If anyone wants Ned's number, let me know. He's worth the $2000 airfare to fly him to your place.)
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
badass- i have fucked up so many walls tryin to put those anchor things in-- never again!
now i'm getting married though so the Man will be in charge of all that.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry Circe you just hit me up on AIM and I'll sort you out...you know should you need it and all.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
We're renting for now - that pale apricot blahness was irritating for the first, oh, six months... and then my soul died a little and I stopped caring.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Please. If it was Tim Allen there'd be a chainsaw motor in the curtain rail and I'd be snorting cocaine instead of sitting here.
Cookie - why, yes. Yes they are.
Badass - From now on, I'm just going to pay people to maintain my home. Except for the unimportant stuff, because we have way too much fun being crap at it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you color blind, or do you live in a Holiday Inn-esque motel?
I just did massive repaint of my place, so I can empathize. I had to fill <joepescivoice>a lot of fuckin holes</joepescivoice>.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why they're called HandyMEN.
Not HandyCirces. Or Handy(Dutch)men.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny story.
These will help http://fasteners.hardwarestore.com/19-71-anchors-hollow-wall/e-z-anchor-459446.aspx
Home improvement is a skill, home maintenance is a requirement.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Domestic "bliss" is always a pleasure to read about in your posts.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are the whiny postings on Uberboard annoying you too? Or is that just me?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
circe-can't you write a shitty post? hahaha
+2 for trying to be handy, but not always succeeding cause i hear ya on that.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This looks like an episode of Home Improvement with Tim Allen
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-12 13:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There sure is a lot of swearing to fuck on this site.