Attempted Porn Move On Girlfriend Fails (2936 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.76 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mike00295 (View user info) at 2005-10-12 16:16:06 EDT
WAUSAW, WI- A complicated porn move attempted by local boyfriend Mike Dean Saturday evening resulted in discomfort, awkwardness and ultimately, utter failure.
Dean, 31, and his 28-year old girlfriend of two years, Mary Woodbury, rarely divert from their routine sexual positions. But after a night of heavy drinking at a mutual friend's birthday party, Dean proposed that they "try something different".
"Like a lot of guys, I've watched a ton of porn in my day", said Dean, "and sometimes you just can't help but get a little inspired and say, 'Hey, I should try that!' But let me tell ya, it's a lot harder than it looks."
"I've always been open to trying different things," added Woodbury. "I'm all for spicing up the sex life, but I found nothing whatsoever enjoyable about whatever Mike tried on me the other night. And frankly, I can't imagine who would."
"I couldn't establish a good center of balance," lamented Dean. "I'm not trying to blame Mary or anything, but I don't think she's all that flexible. And when I finally got her into a position where I thought I could make the move work, she started wigging out and said she 'couldn't breath'."
"The reason I couldn't breath was because I had a face full of his ass, which is a real turn-on," sniped Woodbury, "I mean, I was trying to be a good sport and indulge his stupid fantasy, but I have to draw a line somewhere, you know?"
Both parties sustained minor injuries in the encounter, with Dean pulling a hamstring and Woodbury straining her back. Despite these setbacks, Dean remains optimistic about pornographic experimentation in the couple's sexual future. "I'm not going to let this sway me", he vowed, "I just watched "Ass Blasters 3: The Ravaging" and I saw this bitchin' move I want to try. But first I've gotta get on-line to see if there's anywhere I can rent a pommel horse."
Maybe next time...
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-13 16:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/89130
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a test, you should post something original here first, then shoot it up on that other site a few days later. Maybe see if your audience there gets all uppity that "you copied it from Ubersite."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Apologising is a sign of weakness. You should never apologise or your woman will walk all over you and take all your money.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Let's just get this out of the way.
I am sooooooo sorry that I did not include a link to
the website that I ORIGINALLY POSTED THIS. I don't
know what I was thinking. In the future I will be sure
to include the link, date, time (is eastern standard ok?)
moon cycle, what I was wearing, and who was on my radio
when I wrote it. And any other possibly important information.
Please forgive me, I need this websites acceptance or I
fear I may not survive.
Gracias.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for sharing.
Sounds like you're a real ladies man.
Or a mans man?
Ya, I'll go with that.
--------------
Depends on the day of the week it is, just so long as they're not Jewish.
I'm not an anti-semnite or anything, it's just I have arab blood. Mixing the two can lead to birth defects.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:18:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
To be fair, when I tried one of those porn moves it wasn't so great. I invited my girlfriend over to watch a film and plied her with three bottles of wine, then I brought in my mates and we all gang fucked her.
She dumped me the next day but we got away with it because we threatened to tell her parents and all her mates about her whorish antics.
---------
Thanks for sharing.
Sounds like you're a real ladies man.
Or a mans man?
Ya, I'll go with that.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
To be fair, when I tried one of those porn moves it wasn't so great. I invited my girlfriend over to watch a film and plied her with three bottles of wine, then I brought in my mates and we all gang fucked her.
She dumped me the next day but we got away with it because we threatened to tell her parents and all her mates about her whorish antics.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-13 09:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it!
Still think you should have done the Radio/car problem fixed one though.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-10-13 08:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're rookie of the year so far.
i keep track.
not.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-13 07:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is way better than most shit on Uber. Made me giggle.
+2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-13 07:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you stole this
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-13 07:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was pretty funny. I liked the news article style. +2 on faith that you actually did write this.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-13 07:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a true story that happened just the other day with this new girl I just started dating. It was our first date and first bedroom encounter but I said fuck it and went to some of my porn moves. She seemed to like it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-13 03:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You've wasted that title. People with talent (not me) could have written hilarious epics that would have made laydeees in the audience actually urinate.
I used to know a guy who did that, behind closed doors but he liked to brag and she got really embarrassed so I assumed it was true. Anyway, he'd tickle her untill she peed her pants. He thought it was hilarious.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-10-12 23:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:26:42 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://phat5.com/features.asp?StoryID=1417&SectionID=12
Cite the source next time.
_________________________________
that way we can trash you *and* the source for deftly dodging humor like Neo vs. bullets.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-10-12 23:06:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not your finest work, but a +2 anyway to offset the asshats below.
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-10-12 22:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If the people in pornos can do it, you can too. It just takes a bit of practice. Tell your girlfriend to take yoga classes. It'll help limber her up.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-12 21:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TBAG TBAG TBAG
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-10-12 20:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
MOO
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-10-12 20:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope to god that they're not your actual names. Google really likes ubersite.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-10-12 19:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow, a make-believe news brief. Where do you get your ideas?..
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-10-12 19:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ha
A for effort though, right?
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-10-12 19:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Plagarism. Boo-urns.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 19:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HFCS...read below.
Not stolen, just not credited/attributed/explained/whatever.
Submitted by HighFructoseCornSyrup (user info) at 2005-10-12 19:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stolen from The Onion.
Submitted by trent_nz (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found it funny.....
I liked the "face full of ass" comment.
Submitted by DieKreutzen (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Considering the title of the post, the content and pic were very disapointing.
Plus my wife is a total porn queen - makes it hard to relate to poor guys like you...
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
aaaaaaand.......*skeet skeet* HASSLEHOFF!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahaha..Outstanding.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 17:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must say, now that I'm one of the educated masses, that I'm impressed at exactly how many of your posts here have already appeared on this other site.
And you're right, you fail to reference the appropriate phatfree link just about every time. You think you'd want to build a bridge to the rest of your work, and get people to check out the rest of the site's offerings.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Still funny even if you did post it elsewhere.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No need to call me fucko just because I made a kneejerk reaction based on what I found.
Like I'm supposed to just 'get' that you're Mike Polk, or Mike Dean. Or both. Or neither.
Here's a +2 to offset the -2.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:35:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
Mike you should save yourself the torment an let everyone know that your stuff is original but is posted elsewhere...you see Uber is a site of opportunity and if the chance arrives people will jump down your troat like a 5 dollar blowpig
-----------------------------------------
Don't worry dude. He already trotted himself over to one of my posts to make sure he showed me the error of my ways.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:35:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
you see Uber is a site of opportunity and if the chance arrives people will jump down your troat like a 5 dollar blowpig
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No shit?
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mike you should save yourself the torment an let everyone know that your stuff is original but is posted elsewhere...you see Uber is a site of opportunity and if the chance arrives people will jump down your troat like a 5 dollar blowpig
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not smart. I'm a motherfuckin' genius.
Submitted by Tormencha (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
God dammit...I wanted to hear about the success of it...not another negative influence like any other news story!
Oh and hey, did I tell you I'm into cinematography! *click* ;-)
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:23:45 (#)
Ranking: -2
Where is this ripped off from?
-----
It's not.
I have posted it elsewhere before.
You're a smart one eh?
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=1417&SectionID=12
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that is hilarious
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://phat5.com/features.asp?StoryID=1417&SectionID=12
Cite the source next time.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hoff looks like he's gonna rape me.
i don't think those weights will fit...
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Where is this ripped off from?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-12 16:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ditch the stupid Hoff pictures. This MIGHT have stood on its own....