Guide (642 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dervel (View user info) at 2005-10-14 09:29:01 EDT
I wrote this earlier today as part of a writing exercise. I chose a word at random ("Guide" as it happens) from the dictionary and just wrote whatever came to my head.
I then went down the pub for lunch, upon my return I have no idea what I was talking about...
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Will you lead me? Will you show me the way? If I take the wrong step, will you steer me back on course?
Failing that, can you draw a map on the back of this packet of Marlboro?
No? Okay, suit yourself, that's cool.
I'll find the way. Like the sticker on the back window of that hippy camper van once said, "God is my co-pilot."
Yep, it's just me and old Goddy God God.
He isn't though is he? I'm without God, I always have been. I just don't see the point in it.
Maybe if he was more exclusive then I'd be interested? If he had subscription fees, an awesome club badge, a secret handshake and an annual general meeting with a finger buffet. It would have a huge array of canapés. I'm talking massive. Hors d'oeuvres as far as the eye can see.
I'm sure he could do it. In fact, I bet he does it all the time for the pope.
I imagine that pope Benny is probably sat there right now in his vibrating armchair, with built in fridge and telephone, supping away on chocolate milkshake and berating God for being stingy with the tuna.
I suppose God would have an excuse ready though, being omniscient and all.
Actually, I bet he blames Jesus. I know I would. "Its not my fault Benny, it's that bloody son of mine, he's been a bit slack on the fish based miracles since all that bother with the Romans."
If only Asterix had got their sooner with his magic potion, he knew how to deal with Romans. The world would be a very different place if he had, kids would read the bible for starters.
Old testament. New testament. Asterix, Obelix, Christ Our Saviour And The Golden Sickle.
Jesus would need a name change though, if he were to stand any chance of fitting in at the Gaul village.
Godincarnatrix perhaps?
As they're Celtic Gaul's it would fit in better with their mythology if their were three of them anyway.
Obelix would still have the most Roman helmets come the end of each story though.
Not sure why, but I imagine time would stop if he didn't.
Asterix would be the only one who needs the potion, as Godincarnatrix would just turn them into lepers or something. Imagine if Godincarnatrix accidentally screws up a miracle and turns the potion into wine.
Asterix would go into the fight pissed instead of superhumanly strong.
Thing is, he wouldn't know till he got punched in the face.
I see Jesus as a cross between Getafix and Tommy Cooper.
Without the fez. Obviously.
I went to Warwick castle last week, they have Oliver Cromwell's death mask there. I was pleased to note that the fucking cunt was an ugly prick and had facial warts.
It was just as I mentally pictured him.
There's a town in Oxfordshire called Thame, on the High Street is part of the interior wall of a 16th century pub called the Greyhound Inn.
John Hampden died in there after being mortally wounded at the battle of Chalgrove Field. One of Prince Rupert's finest moments I feel.
I've pissed on that spot twice whilst drunk.
I also feel the compulsion to spit on his statue in Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, every time I pass it.
I have no idea why.
User Reviews
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-10-20 06:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
caption contest winner!
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-10-14 21:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-14 12:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-14 12:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
So not like apollo's random posts at all.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-10-14 11:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Monty - Mostly about Romans, Roman Cath's, the English civil war and Asterix the Gual which is an incredibly famous book and cartoons in Europe.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-14 11:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laugh at other cultures. Dervel, please explain to me what half these people/stuff is. I'm going to go soak my hands in gelatin for awhile.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-14 11:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:43:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:34:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't know what you're talking about cookie, we've been here all week:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76847
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That's right, I came back and Dervel went all Weak """
grooooan
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:34:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't know what you're talking about cookie, we've been here all week:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76847
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That's right, I came back and Dervel went all Weak
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't know what you're talking about cookie, we've been here all week:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76847
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:28:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
*gasp* what is this here below me?! Is it my beloved Pock and Budgiefucker, back at it again?! OH HAPPY DAY!
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Only if that sissy comes back to defend himself!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*gasp* what is this here below me?! Is it my beloved Pock and Budgiefucker, back at it again?! OH HAPPY DAY!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-14 10:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's gotta be the funniest bunch of random I've ever seen! The whole god thing was hilarious. Well done.
PS. fuck off you ugly snot faced cunt.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-14 09:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate you i hate you i hate you!
you
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-10-14 09:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To me or you?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-14 09:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this reads like one of my random posts.
I can think of no graver insult.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-10-14 09:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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