An Aristocrats Joke from Mr. Will Zone. (NSFW) (2675 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.2 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2005-10-17 11:09:54 EDT
WARNING: I know I missed the original rush of people gushing about The Aristocrats, but i just saw it on Saturday night and I laughed and laughed and laughed and I just had to take a stab at my own verison of the Aristocrats joke. Enjoy it...if you have the stomach....
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A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
First, the family circles up and begins holding hands and skipping around in a circle. The children are singing a wonderful little melody and the parents are coming in with the harmony and at every break in the melodious music, the dog yips.
The talent agent is noticeably amused, even though the act is dangerously close to being too cute.
The singing stops, the family lines up and the dog paws a tape recorder which then begins to play some heavy, dark chamber -type music.
In time with the music, the father powders up his hand with a tube of baby powder found in his right breast pocket and back-hands his wife with the force of a Tyson knockout. Blood and spit flies from the mother's mouth and splatters across the son, who in turn, like his father, bitch slaps his younger sister with the same gusto.
At this point the women each take out a box cutter and slice and dice the boys' clothes off, some swipes cut gashes in the legs and chest while some just cleanly hit fabric. So now, the boys, naked and bloody proceed to rip the clothes off the mother and daughter...Daddy taking mommy, and brother taking sister.
But not for long. They switch partners. Daddy takes his daughter by the pigtails and begins to force feed his cock down her throat, her eyes tear and her nose begins to bleed and the room is silent except for her high-decibel gags. The mother then grabs the son and knocks him to the ground with a swift kick to the taint and pins his arms behind his back, lifts up her skirt and begins using his mouth as her urinal. Piss backs up in his throat and begins to pour out of his nose. The father pulls his pruned cock out of his daughters mouth and grabs her by her mouth and her dirty starfish and dwarf-tosses her across the room into the wall.
The father then donkey punches the mother in the back of her head, knocking her clean off the piss-mouthed son. The father then turns around, faces the talent scout and stomps on the dog's ribs who's been cowering near his feet.
The family, now back on their feet, forms a circle and repeats their opening harmonies, now with added gargling and gagging. The son keeps slipping on the piss and blood covered floor. The dog lies motionless in the center of the circle. In unison, the family spins around, spreads their collective ass checks and unleashes a quadraphonic shit storm to the center of the circle. The sound of shit slapping shit fills the void of the pause in the chamber music. The father then takes his son from behind and fucks his shitty asshole with the reckless abandon of suicide bomber. He takes his daughter by the hand and pushes her gaping mouth over his still dripping asshole and unleashes a salvo of shit right down her throat. The mother is sitting on the sidelines shitting logs into a chrome bowl and then taking the shitlogs and shoving them up her cunt and into her mouth alternately.
The daughter, having swallowed a few pints of shit, then proceeds to spin-art the room with vomit. She spins and spins and lets the puke fly. The rest of the family then picks up on her cue and begins spinning vomiting. The daughter then wobbles over to her spew covered pocket book and takes some razor blades out. She hands three to her father who shoves them up his own ass, and she puts the other three up her own.
The son then enters the father from behind, ripping open his cock in the meantime and the father enters his daughter, ripping him open. The mother just watches spread-eagle with her shit-douche bubbling into the dogs face. After the bloody ass-rape, the family lines up again for their big finale'.
The family then gets into a totem-pole position, with the father at the base, with his wife sitting opposite of him with her shit-filled bush facing his mouth, and then the son gets on top of his mom's shoulders sitting opposite and shoves his tiny blood-crusted dick into his mothers mouth, and then the little sister gets on top of her brothers shoulders and sits with her shit-filled cunt facing her brothers mouth. Then in perfect unison, the boys blow into their respective pussies and on the downbeat the mother chomps down on the pecker in her mouth. The little sister up top, sans dick in her mouth, slowly slices off her nipples with the razor blades that were still up her ass.
The father then steps forward, supporting the full weight of the fucking and sucking family totem pole and proceeds to stomp on the dog till it's as flat as Lara Flynn Boyle's chest. The family dismounts with the mother landing in the middle and they stand around her, masturbating, as she furiously gives herself an abortion with a replica of an Emmy Award.
As she removes the fetus, she launches it towards the ceiling and it gets shredded by the ceiling fan. Bits of baby fly around the office, leaving it looking like a Jackson Pollack masterpiece. The father and son both ejaculate at the same time across the corpse of the dog.
The family...bruised, beaten, shat-upon and out of breath, stand next to each other, take each other hands and bows forward unleashing a giant bloody fart which paints the back wall brown and red.
"Ta-Da!!!" Yells the family.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Oh Uber, there is a dark place inside my soul and it scares me.
Will
PS: Post your own Aristocrats joke here: http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/addjoke.php
User Reviews
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There were two other submissions buried in Matt Maiorano's post.
Mine (http://www.ubersite.com/m/75255), & JonnyX (http://www.ubersite.com/m/75245)
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-17 18:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll revise my rating for the following reason:
This joke could have the potential to be funny if instead of "The Aristocrats" the punchline was "The Republican Party."
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-17 18:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice, the razor blades up the ass was intense...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-17 13:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Somehow, this isn't reminiscient of Kevin Pollack.
Submitted by alas_me (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good, very good. Is it OK that it gave me a hard on?
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:17:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
the joke itself can be hilarious, I just don't think it translates too well to text. It's all about the tonality of telling the story. Still not too bad, though.
"
I agree with this statement 150%...i'll post the .mpg of me telling it when i perform it.
-will
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:27:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:15:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
You
a.) obviously haven't seen the movie
b.) have no sense of humor
or
c.) have morals and/or values.
Sucks to be you.
-------------------
No, man. The problem doesn't lie with the reader on this one. This post is just not really that funny/shocking/well-written. We all get the Aristocrats joke. It's just not funny.
---------------
I also thought that Matt's was more graphic than this.
Sorry Will, I'm a big fan, but this was "meh" at best.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There is one thing that pisses me off about this joke. Okay, two things.
One - the word aristocrats doesn't mean anything anymore. The contrast between the disgusting act and what the word is supposed to mean doesn't impact audiences like it should. This joke would KILL in the 1500s.
Two - How on earth is this a repeatable act? Everytime the joke is told someone ends up dying or maiming themselves beyond repair.
Nice job of telling it though. Way better that Matt M's lame ass version.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:15:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
You
a.) obviously haven't seen the movie
b.) have no sense of humor
or
c.) have morals and/or values.
Sucks to be you.
-------------------
No, man. The problem doesn't lie with the reader on this one. This post is just not really that funny/shocking/well-written. We all get the Aristocrats joke. It's just not funny.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen, heard and/or read about 15 different versions of it. This is by far the most violent of all of them...
I was laughing my ass off from the beginning until about the middle--right before the razors. I guess that's the point where it's not funny in text form anymore. I basically stopped laughing and kept cringing once the razors came out.
And I usually have a high tolerance for that sort of stuff.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the joke itself can be hilarious, I just don't think it translates too well to text. It's all about the tonality of telling the story. Still not too bad, though.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:13:30 (#)
Ranking: -1
This joke is not funny. "
You
a.) obviously haven't seen the movie
b.) have no sense of humor
or
c.) have morals and/or values.
Sucks to be you.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only other Aristocrats joke I found on Uber is here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75223
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-17 11:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This joke is not funny.