A Halloween Freewrite (1207 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by fudgepacknuts (View user info) at 2005-10-17 17:16:04 EDT
It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween Season.
Leaves are continuing to transmogrify into shades of orange, brown, and leafy yellow. Packs of school kids will break their limbs after jumping into piles of leaves mysteriously filled with bricks <shifty eyes>. And costume stores will generate 95% of their annual revenues (the other 3% being for Purim, 1% for school plays, and 1% for sick fucks like me who like to dress up like Raggedy Andy on random Thursdays).
I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Raggedy Andy is a special guy, let me tell you. Not only did he get to tag Raggedy Ann, but this guy was a fucking Hobo and always had that stupid grin on his face. What child hobo has a ubiquitous smile on his face that also has two Habib dots on the cheeks? Or rather, what sober child hobo? None. If I were him, I'd be one ornery asshole...what with having to be filled with straw where my schvantz should be.
<confused pause>
So, yes, Halloween. A great holiday. Not really a holiday, but still, we all celebrate it and dress up like idiots in the name of drunkenness. And I'm all for it. I've just run out of good ideas. In recent years I've been a sexy cop, I've been in a group of guys and we all dressed up like the dudes in 'A Clockwork Orange,' I've been a G.I. Joe, A Mariachi guy, and a bag lady.
Yes, I've been a bag lady. Long story. Lots of liquor and pot helped with the decision.
I'm sure I'll think of something in the forthcoming week, but let me finally get to my point. There comes a time around the early teens where you think you're too cool or old for Halloween. It happens to most of us and I'm of course generalizing here. When we were kids, we couldn't wait for October 31st to roll around. We couldn't wait to show off our costumes and get our candy.
But around the age of 13ish, we get too cool for that. We're too mature. The candy loses its appeal and instead of trick-or-treating, we stay home and do absolutely nothing but answer the door and laugh at little kids in their Dracula and Kermit the Frog costumes. We would rather masturbate than collect free candy.
And by the way, I've noticed that lately, candy sucks. It's not sugary enough. It's as if the 3 out of 4 dentists that prefer Crest got together with the folks at Mars and Willy Wonka and gave them a piece of their collective dentist mind. It sucks. I miss cavities.
Back to my story...usually around the age of 18 (hmmm, interesting), we re-embrace this holiday and not only dress up, but do our damndest to have THE most original / funny / sexy / outlandish costume at the party.
So now, am I to assume that Halloween is purely a guise for getting drunk? Is that what we've turned this beloved holiday...this...fond childhood memory of costumes and candy and hypodermic needles in the snickers bar into?
If so, then awesome. If anyone's in New York for Halloween this year, give me a shout and the first round of Jaeger is on me. I honestly have no point here, but just felt like writing about my favorite holiday.
So instead of concluding with some witty remark, I'll just ask, what are you all going as this year?
User Reviews
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-11-28 13:29:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Real men floss with spirit and chew souls!
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-27 14:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
K...figured out my costume.
Going to be a pimped out gym teacher. I'm getting a matching velour jump suit, a headband, aviator glasses, a visor, a whistle, and old gym shoes.
It's gonna be hot!
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-10-21 04:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tell her to buy some food and to stop eating her fleshy fingers. They're raw. Fucking nasty.
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-10-21 04:21:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Mario?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-20 16:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:49:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:45:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
yes......
you stand over the edge of the empire state building remembering that in the past few days, you've witnessed both your wife and child die in a horrible car bomb set off by Al-Quaeda...a bomb that took down the chrysler building and 10,000 workers therein...setting off a series of events that led to the DOW plummetting ocne again, leaving you penniless, homeless and without a job.
You then went to your mothers for some safe asylum, only to find her shnogging the neighbors dog. You run out of her house to try and find your father...only to walk into his office and find him furiously masturbating to child pornogrpahy.
So you stand at the top of the empire state building taking all of this in.
A gust of wind catches you and you start to free-fall off the massive skyscraper. While descending, you see a FoxNews helicopter between your flayling body and the ground. You do your best to avoid the chopper, but you hit it, and your legs instantly come flying off. The chopper then falls from the sky and kills hundreds of innocent bystanders below.
You, however, now legless, are caught by the suicide netting at the base of the ESB, The netting, though, is not sturdy. So i snaps and you fall 3 more stories to the ground. The falls breaks 12 vertebrae, rendering you paralyzed from the neck down. Not that it matter, seeing as how you have no legs.
So you are now in the hospital....battered, bruised, legless, emotionally drained.....then, and amazingly obese anurse walks into your room. She is absolutely a whale. She stands up on your gurney, squats on your face, and your last breaths are spent gurgling this womans diahrrea.
I win.
-------
Good lord man.
Well done.
============
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You're a sick, twisted bastard.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:49:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:45:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
yes......
you stand over the edge of the empire state building remembering that in the past few days, you've witnessed both your wife and child die in a horrible car bomb set off by Al-Quaeda...a bomb that took down the chrysler building and 10,000 workers therein...setting off a series of events that led to the DOW plummetting ocne again, leaving you penniless, homeless and without a job.
You then went to your mothers for some safe asylum, only to find her shnogging the neighbors dog. You run out of her house to try and find your father...only to walk into his office and find him furiously masturbating to child pornogrpahy.
So you stand at the top of the empire state building taking all of this in.
A gust of wind catches you and you start to free-fall off the massive skyscraper. While descending, you see a FoxNews helicopter between your flayling body and the ground. You do your best to avoid the chopper, but you hit it, and your legs instantly come flying off. The chopper then falls from the sky and kills hundreds of innocent bystanders below.
You, however, now legless, are caught by the suicide netting at the base of the ESB, The netting, though, is not sturdy. So i snaps and you fall 3 more stories to the ground. The falls breaks 12 vertebrae, rendering you paralyzed from the neck down. Not that it matter, seeing as how you have no legs.
So you are now in the hospital....battered, bruised, legless, emotionally drained.....then, and amazingly obese anurse walks into your room. She is absolutely a whale. She stands up on your gurney, squats on your face, and your last breaths are spent gurgling this womans diahrrea.
I win.
-------
Good lord man.
Well done.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Isatros, what would that costume entail? Perhaps some soggy Rocca Wear Jeans stolen from a vacant Kmart, a ripped, coffee-stained wife beater, and no shoes?
Sounds like fun.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-10-18 00:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
go as a hurricane evacuee
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-18 00:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm...everyone should dress up as emo tears.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 00:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yep Tim....it was all your brilliant idea.
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2005-10-17 22:06:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me and my buddy are going as emo kids! He's gonna get his guitar, mess up the tuning, and just go nuts whilst I scream my ass off. Then we're gonna cry (somehow). What are they gonna do about it? Guilt trip me? Thankfully I'm an emotional wall. HA! Cry me a river and drown yourself in it.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-17 21:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would go as Ghandi, but the opression...
oh, the opression!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-10-17 21:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did i come up with the name fudgepacknuts?
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea.
Any suggestions?
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going as He-man.
Without drawing muscles on me like a PUSSY.
:D
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for quoting Dennis Miller.
Also, yiddish slang will always be funny to me. This is especially true (I've just learned) when it is used in reference to child hobos.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm drawing muscles on me (StrongBad style) and going as He-Man.
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:24:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess what I'm getting at is...I'm thinking about going as a Halloween costume model.
-------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH.....awesome.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.costumesuperstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3672
or
http://www.costumesuperstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=4809
or
http://www.costumesuperstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3798
or
http://www.costumesuperstore.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=4880
I guess what I'm getting at is...I'm thinking about going as a Halloween costume model.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I forgot; I'm going as a pirate. Pirates rule.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-17 17:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should SO go as a giant, corny turd. TP yourself for added effect.