Building a Hampster out of a Dead Squirrel (47163 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 112 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2005-10-17 19:04:55 EDT
When I was young I thought I could to anything.
Fly, beat up people much bigger than me, create life, etc.
At the age of 4 I learned that I actually couldn't create life.
I grew up in a house that bordered a wooded area in which many animals of the kingdom of Michigan would frollic and make babies. All this work had them running all over town. Being animals as they were, they decided the law about jaywalking didn't apply to them. This caused them to often get run over in front of my house.
My family had moved into the neighborhood about a week prior to me meeting my best friend, who happened to have a hampster, I think "Goldie" was its name. Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder. We learned a valuable lesson that day about death... and gravity.
We decided instead of having to go through the hassel of going to the pet store and finding a new "production line" hampster, we would construct one out of a dead squirrel that was rotting in the street.
Then we would simply electrocute it until it came to life, like they did in the movies.
It would be a custon made hampster, named... Hammy.
I'd had my eye on a squirrel at the end of the block that hadn't gotten to the maggot stage yet, which made it an excellent specimen. We picked it up by the tail and took it to my dad's workbench. The first step was to beat it with a hammer, then we would seperate the different colors.
Kyle slammed the hammer down with full force. I saw a drop of blood appear on the window. I looked down at the squirrel. Oops, I guess it HAD had entered the maggot stage.
We started pulling the squirrel apart and separating the colors. I can vividly remember the smell to this day. It smelled like when my would rub its ear on a dead animal and then lick my face.
Once we had things organized we started putting together the pieces. The squrrel's nose was the hampster's head and we poked little holes in it for eyes.
For the rest of it we just cut off a piece of skin and wrapped a bunch of organs and bones inside. It was pretty unorganized in there but once we ran electricity into it it would all straighten itself out. This was going to be the coolest hampster ever.
We brought the new hampster into the garage and began to wonder how we would electrocute it.
"Shit!" Kyle said.
"What?"
"We never gave it any arms!" he was right.
I grabbed some twigs and actually managed to prop the thing good 3 feet in the air. It was pretty disturbing looking, thinking back on it.
Finally, we came to the conclusion that the best way to electrocute the thing was to break a lightbulb and stick the socket on the hampster's nose. I knew from experience, this would indeed electrocute Hammy.
We balanced a broken lightbulb socket and a soon to be hamster on top of 4 twigs. It looked kind of like a teepee, only with roadkill at the top.
This was going to have to involve some spirituality though. We were going to need Indian clothes and and some drums. We put on our Halloween costumes and sat next to the Teepee Of Life.
Then, we plugged it in. The drum beat started slow... with building intensity.
Nothing was happening.
After a minute or so we saw a little stream of smoke begin to rise.
We started screaming like the Indians do. "WAAAAYYYOOOOOHHH SHAMA SHAMA YYYAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!"
My parents had been sitting across the street making friends with the new neighborhood, and kind of keeping an eye on us. Now, the group was slowly making its way over.
The drums grew louder and faster as more smoke started pouring out of all Hammy the Hampster's orifices. The time was coming soon.
We were screaming at the top of our lungs now, and basically flipping out like head cases.
Kyle was jumping up and down and I was stomping my foot.
I felt a sharp pain on my shoulder and I screamed like a little girl... probably.
My dad was looking at the Teepee of Life, "What... the ... fuck..."
That was the first time I heard him drop the f-bomb.
Hammy then burst into flames and as the air escaped from from one of the gas sacks that had been rotting in the sun, it made a high-pitched scream.
I thrust my fists in the air, "IT'S ALIVE!"
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-22 15:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mother of god...
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-04-28 20:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did something similar to a frog
Submitted by Gravity_Purple (user info) at 2008-01-14 03:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-12-04 18:15:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaahhaha
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-10-16 23:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-10-16 22:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
still my most favorite post ever
....ever
Submitted by combatwombat (user info) at 2006-11-22 16:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was, by far, the most disturbing and hilarious thing I've ever read.
Submitted by Lianne260987 (user info) at 2006-08-15 08:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That is absolutely discusting!
Submitted by Hypatia86 (user info) at 2006-05-19 12:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick, but cool, very cool. Reminds me of shit I did as a kid...
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-03-07 01:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lord, how did I ever miss this post?!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-06 13:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-03-06 13:24:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this ages ago before I registered. I come now to give it the rating it deserves.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-05 08:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post was the reason i joined uber.
it is the most awesome thing i have ever read.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-30 10:00:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The moron who gave this a minus 2 should be castrated.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-30 09:53:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I hope I have at least 1 boy. The entertainment alone will be worth the many hours of childbirth.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-12-30 09:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Best Post Ever.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-30 09:27:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That just got better and better.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-11-30 13:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still funny
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-11-03 08:36:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope to God this didn't really fucking happen.
If it did, please stay the fuck away from me, you weirdo.
Submitted by BurnTheHobo (user info) at 2005-10-31 12:41:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-31 07:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was pretty average.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-10-28 15:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story.
Submitted by the_grendel (user info) at 2005-10-28 09:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
disturbing
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-26 07:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha brilliant
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-10-25 01:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-10-25 01:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
inspiring.
Submitted by Julie21 (user info) at 2005-10-24 04:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry Me.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-10-23 11:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-10-22 02:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yes, this was VERY good.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-10-21 20:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by britblogger (user info) at 2005-10-21 13:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"WAAAAYYYOOOOOHHH SHAMA SHAMA YYYAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!"
love the shama shama - hilarious story.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-10-20 22:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally awesomecore.
Submitted by Skippy (user info) at 2005-10-20 20:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very very funny, best i have seen on here in a long time.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-10-20 16:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alright.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-20 07:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woooo b@w
Submitted by emxel (user info) at 2005-10-20 04:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Magnificent railery mmmyeahh!!!
Submitted by tyebud (user info) at 2005-10-20 04:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha... what.... the... fuck....
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-20 03:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAHAHHAA. My eyes are watering.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-20 00:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahah.
Submitted by Sterculius (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course it's highly entertaining in retrospect, but these days those kids would instantly win a trip to the shrink.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-10-19 18:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W indeed!
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fuckstick (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you made soup out of it, right?
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2005-10-19 13:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 12:42:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA, we did it! I read it!
I was right!
B@W.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
...now you ow me a lollipop or something.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Ok fine... but this is the last lollipop I mail to someone on the internet.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 12:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA, we did it! I read it!
I was right!
B@W.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
...now you ow me a lollipop or something.
Submitted by aregularmess (user info) at 2005-10-19 12:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only way this story could have been any better is if you guys wore bras on your heads.
top drawer!
Submitted by Mr.Jid (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing I've read in a long, long time.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for everyone because I just won an xbox 360
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohh....my god.
Submitted by Cam (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i read this 10 minutes ago and i'm still laughing.....
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-10-19 07:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm suddenly terrified I have a boy. Great post!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-18 21:37:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
everyone is laughing their asses off and i still haven't gotten the chance to read it.
Why isn't this on B@W already?
_
It is.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-18 21:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
everyone is laughing their asses off and i still haven't gotten the chance to read it.
Why isn't this on B@W already?
Submitted by sambo13 (user info) at 2005-10-18 21:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed for 10 minutes straight. Good job.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-10-18 18:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top Stuff
Submitted by TragicKingdom (user info) at 2005-10-18 18:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LMAO, awesome story. I hope that it was true.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rather awesome. Haven't laughed like that in quite a while.
Submitted by punkerrjess (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I drooled all over a report I was supposed to give to my boss. Oh man I wish more posts were like this one, it would make my Tuesdays so much better.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All kinds of awesome!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a skinned frog preserved in alcohol in a jar in my room for a while, maybe that would've burned better.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. I mean Arby's chicken awesome.
What I'm basically saying is that you are the new messiah.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me at the title
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Marty Feldman?
Is that who played Eyegor?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marty Feldman.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which is justification for eleventy billion +2's.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are like way more disturbed than me.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-10-18 11:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing I've read all week.
Maybe all month.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-10-18 09:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder."
Awesome.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-10-18 09:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-10-18 07:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heat
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-10-18 07:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-18 07:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder."
Nice!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-10-18 07:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-10-18 07:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs WAY more heat (although it did make my eye twitch every time I read 'hampster')
Excellent post
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-18 07:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid. Fucking. Gold. +2.
This also reminded me of a similar occasion in my childhood, which I shall post at a later date.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 04:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-10-18 04:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-10-17 21:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I ain't got no body,
and no body cares,
ah-bah-dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH!"
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2005-10-17 20:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEAT!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-10-17 20:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-17 20:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. Poor squirrel, though. Ah well, birth, death, being electrocuted in a garage...the Circle Of Life goes on.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-17 20:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
All young boys are the same;
http://www.ubersite.com/m/76762
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:57:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, I apologize. This deserves a streak of +2's. I'm submitting this to B@W.
____________________________________________
HIZZAH!!! you are forgiven.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:54:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
you better be sorry, roxxorz. this man is going to the top
________________________________________________
i'm stealing lines out of my own fiction, now. I need an enema.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, I apologize. This deserves a streak of +2's. I'm submitting this to B@W.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you better be sorry, roxxorz. this man is going to the top
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit shit shit shit shit. I'm so so so sorry. I meant that to be a +2. Bart, if you read this, could you get rid of that 0?
Submitted by peternorth (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Death, violence, something really disturbing... +2 almost automatic
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is AWESOME!!!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good. Spell check next time though.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder."
Phrases like that make me thank god sometimes there is this twisted thing called uber.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick, twisted and charming all at the same time. Kinda like dessert you find in the trash.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:32:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, it better not suck; my rep is on the line.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just submitted to B@W
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just can't give this enough +2s. Fucking beautiful.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder. We learned a valuable lesson that day about death... and gravity."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this was hysterical.
Submitted by Inmate867428 (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i refuse to read this until it makes bored at work
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-10 for mispelling Hamster
+1000000 for Michigan
marry me?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE ARE THE REVIEWS?!?!
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE THIS AWESOME TITLE?!?!?!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't even need to read it. the title was enough.
Submitted by Dante_Alighieri (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. Simply fucking brilliant.