With These Hands (953 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: uberbook
Rating: 1.75 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-10-18 12:18:38 EDT
I am the greatest lover the world has ever witnessed. Don Jaun was a hack. Romeo and Juliet? Are you kidding? They were nothing more then horny teenagers far too committed to banging each other than they should have been. Look, a conquest is great, and sometimes noble, but you don't kill yourself over it and you certainly don't go poking holes in beautiful teen aged breasts. So, yeah. I scoff at them, name some lovers, some of the greats. You line em up, I'll knock em down. With these hands I can please any woman, I can seduce any woman, and I can make any woman mine without ever saying so much as a word.
My story begins in Australia. I was on holiday and was on a tour bus site seeing. We stopped at an emu farm to learn about the operation. During the tour I was distracted by some voices coming from one of the pens. I fell back from the group and slowly walked in the direction of the voices and was astonished to see a young boy talking to an emu; I was more astonished to see the emu talking back. When the young boy reached out and grabbed the bird by, what I assume was its penis, I yelped in surprise. The boy's face turned beet red and he leapt to his feet and ran out the door. The emu shook its head at me.
"You daft bastard, you made him run away! You'd better finish me or I'll flippin kill you."
"Finish you? I hope you're not talking about what I think you're talking about you sick twisted figment of my imagination." Obviously this had to be some sort of madness in my head; none of this was possible after all.
"No, look mate, you get over here and get my rocks off. I guarantee that, if you swallow every last drop of my baby batter, you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams."
"Ummm... as tempting as that might sound there's really nothing that could convince me to swallow your load."
"Come on, don't be such a stiffy, just grab hold of it, slurp up every last drop and you will have an ability to please women like no man before you ever has." The emu kind of leaned back and I could have sworn he had his wings on his hips with his cock thrust out like some of kind of strange water spigot.
I thought for a moment and found comfort in the thought that none of this was remotely possible so as a figment of my imagination, I had nothing to lose. I gingerly grabbed hold of the bird's member and took it in my mouth. As soon as I did so the bird's wings clamped on to the back of my head and started pushing. I started to choke and gag when I heard from above me, "Almost there now mate, you gotta hold on to every last drop, or not, what do I care I got my rocks off."
Suddenly my head was pulled into the bird's midsection, I began to choke and sputter. "EVERY LAST DROP YOU LEAKER". The smell of the feathers was strangely nice, kind of like the smell of old books. The feathers brushing on my face had a sensual feel to them and reminded me of the few opportunities I'd had to play with feathers with women. Suddenly I felt an explosion in my mouth and strangely enough found the sticky substance tasting quite good. Sweet, with just a hint of spice, like a nice carrot cake. I started licking and sucking, working to get every last bit of this surprising treat and as I got the last drop off the tip the rest of the tour came around the corner. No matter what I tried the damned bird would not speak up so of course they didn't believe me, hell, I didn't believe myself. They screamed at me and told me that I had destroyed this emu, that it could no longer be bred, and immediately slaughtered the bird.
I was summarily banned from returning to Australia. I returned home and slowly discovered that the emu had not lied. It didn't matter what I did, I could bring a woman to her knees to beg for me to make love to her and it all seems to come from these hands.
With these hands I perform on stage, playing my guitar for a bar crowd. As my hands pluck, pick, and fret the strings whatever I have in them seems to run through the guitar. You can almost see the passion as the sound carries into the audience and the women madly begin screaming for me. I soon found this to be a dangerous situation, the dates of these women were none to happy to have them writhing at my feet vying for my attention so I had to quit the band.
I have always enjoyed working with clay on the wheel. But after my "endowment" I found that I could sell any pot I wanted. Again the passion and sensuality that emanates from my hands seems to ooze from the pots causing women to have fist fights in the store. For a while, the potter who owned the wheel I was throwing on would sell tickets to women to allow them to watch me work. He soon had a reputation though as women spoke of orgasms the like of which had not been rivaled and the authorities threw everything they could at him and shut down his store.
Anything I do with these hands drips with the special gift I've been given. A mere brush of my hands on a woman's elbows sends her into a screaming fit of pleasure that reduces her to a puddle on the floor when it's over.
So, I am the greatest lover in the world but I could not be more alone. I can't find companionship with a woman as every time my hands do something any woman I am hanging out with immediately flushes with lust and orgasms. I am the greatest lover in the world, and with these hands, I am more alone than even the most slovenly lover.
User Reviews
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-03-07 14:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
winner
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-24 16:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:41:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
cries emu tears
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-02-02 09:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has improved my morning.
"The smell of the feathers was strangely nice, kind of like the smell of old books."
I LOVE the smell of old books. Now I know what I have to do.
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i liked
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we have the ghey secks now?
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No big deal. Just felt like calling you a fag for awhile. I'm done now.
If you're looking to nullify your vote, probably best to vote each of us the same way. Give us both the exact same ratings, and we're back on even ground. Just a thought.
BTW, your emu piece was pretty fucking creative.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait a minute...in my matchup you say my post is better, yet you rated him a 2 and gave me a 0?
Have you even READ the rules? You may have sealed my fate. Nice.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who knew that was all it took. And here I've been working on techinque all this time.
This line slayed me:
"The emu kind of leaned back and I could have sworn he had his wings on his hips with his cock thrust out like some of kind of strange water spigot."
What an image.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cries emu tears
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:27:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...blow an emu and get the babes...that's one choice I'd have to think over...
Funny stuff!
Do emu's even have cocks? I mean they must right but just trying to picture one makes me laugh. I don't really know where this came from.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Y HELO THAR EMU?
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm...blow an emu and get the babes...that's one choice I'd have to think over...
Funny stuff!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Disturbing, yet arousing.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Xcuses' D-Prime Madness II : http://www.ubersite.com/m/77191