Having The Sand. (D_Prime Madness) (1147 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Halving The Sand
Rating: 1.96 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Merlina (View user info) at 2005-10-18 12:20:40 EDT
Can I share something with you? I've not told anyone before, but I'd like to share this...
~~~~~~~~~~~
It was 1982 and I was happy. In fact it was bliss. It was the sunniest week we'd had in Dublin for quite some time and I was in my element. You honestly don't get that much sun in Ireland and I was feeling pretty okay.
I was twelve years old and I had an afternoon off work. Yes, work.
I didn't actually go to school between the ages of ten and thirteen. You may think I'm saying this to make a good story but oh no.. this is true.
~~~~~~~~~
We originally moved to England from Ireland when I was nine years old. I went to school in a place called Hertfordshire. Quite nice I guess, but not home, you understand.
I adapted, as you do, and made friends. Sat and watched the A-Team with my brother whilst sharing our pocket money with him buying the ice cream, me buying the cream soda to make ice cream floats. Went to school; made a fool of myself. I also got used to England and it's lack of red lemonade and my favourite 'Tayto' crisps.
Then in August 1980, when I had just turned ten years old, my grandfather back home in Ireland, died. Which was pretty normal; after all he was 72. But his adoring wife, my Nan Molly, went mad. She had been in the kitchen making him a cup of tea and came back to plump up his pillows and he was gone. They had been together since they were both sixteen years old and her 70 year old heart couldn't lose him and remain sane at the same time.
I was ten years old when my mother, brother and I flew back home to Ireland. I was not to see my sisters and my father for many years. And at this time, I didn't know my job was to be the sole carer of my grandmother for the next three years.
We went back to Rush, Ireland. A little seaside town with a population, at the time, of about 300 people.
So it was to be.
My mother and my brother moved in with an aunt in the next town, Skerries (incidently where I was born) and I moved in with my Nan in Rush, on the coast. I cooked for her. I bathed her. I made her marmalade sandwiches that she hid in the underwear drawer because she thought I was trying to starve her. I burnt my hands when she threw £500 Irish pounds into the fire because she thought I was trying to rob her and I tried to salvage some. I gave everything a ten year old could give to her.
And it was wonderful.
My afternoons were spent in the local library. I was always a reader. You know, I think I read nearly every book in that backstreet library in Graham Street. In fact I was far advanced when I came back to England three years later and went to school. It's amazing what you can learn yourself. when left to your own devices.
But back then, 'my time' I spent on the beach. There was this little cove that I knew. No one ever went there. It was mine. Nothing special really. Just a little grassy hill and you climbed over it and you had a little place to sit where you could see everything.
It was my place.
My solitude. My little peace of mind. I'd lie there in the warm sand and think of England. Think of my sisters..... the school friends I'd made, my father... my life....
I think I grew up too fast back in those days. They all said that Nanny didn't want to go into a crazy old person's home. That she should die at home...I agreed.... Why should she be left alone?
But when you think about it... why did they leave a ten year old child to be a carer?
~~~~~~~~~
This particular day I lay back and let the sun warm my young but troubled face. My fingers dug into the warm sand around me and I crawled onto my belly and tried to clear my mind. Impossible. Far too much going on in that little head.
I got to thinking about my family.... I missed my father and sisters terribly... but I never let myself get upset about it. I was a sensible child, even then. I've not changed much.
I drew a line in the sand. The sand was the damp sort, not the beautiful, white, dry sort you get in sunny Barbados, but damp and cloggy. I remember this so strongly that it could have been yesterday. I can actually feel the wet sand on my fingers now as I type.
I drew a firm line in the sand and on one side I put little sand holes which represented my mother, my brother and me. And on the other side my father, and my two lovely older sisters.
I lay back and looked at the separation I had made.
They had made.
Every day for weeks and weeks that summer I went back to the same spot and the indentations still sat there, as a reminder of my life. I hardly saw my mother. She was out drinking with my aunt. All the time. The few time they popped round they were all laughing and happy. Now I know they were drunk. My brother...... well... my brother was a young teenager. He was out and finding out about life. My mother had given him his liberty.
In 1983, when I was thirteen and a half, Molly died. That day I had bathed her. I had made her favourite lunch; marmalade sandwiches and I had washed and brushed her thinning hair. She went for a little lie down and I sat with her. I was thirteen years old but felt thirty.
I feel asleep in the old red leather chair by the bed; the one that had sat there for all the years I'd been alive. And she died. She went to finally see her Joseph. Her only love. The place she wanted to be was not with me and I understood that.
~~~~~~~~~
As the family gathered around at the wake.... I walked the five minute walk to the beach. To my spot. I almost wanted the sea to wash up as far as where I sat and wash over that line. As a sign that my family would be separated no more, but was still there to taunt me.
Silently I knelt and with tears blinding me, I scattered the pattern I had made with my outstretched palm. I scooped up a handful of the sand and put it in a matchbox in my pocket. I knew it was time to say good bye.
I stood and looked out to sea for a moment, clutching the matchbox.... And then I turned away.
~~~~~~~~~~
In June 1984, aged nearly fourteen, a bewildered teenager returned to England and was reunited with strangers that were my older sisters and my father. Too much had happened.
I didn't know them anymore.
They didn't know me.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Early this year, myself and The Bloke went to see my mothers grave in Dublin. We drove so close to 'my spot'. Now I actually was thirty. A little more in fact.
We drove past the place where I'd drawn the line. The place that had held the representation of my feelings, that meant so much at the time, it's bringing tears to my eyes even now.
I sat in the car as the wind whipped my hair through the open window and thought of the little box of sand, kept safely in my bottom drawer at home.... I let him drive past and said nothing.
The sea will have washed over it now and other memories are in its place. It's been too long. I didn't need to see it anyway..
I have the sand as a reminder.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-09-11 11:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not normally one for the serious.
You're a cool lady.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2006-06-06 09:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had some weird experiences in my childhood but it's been a long time since I've heard something that equals it, like your stories do. My step-dad was also a drunk (my real dad died when I was five) you can read about some of his outrageous shit here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/14511
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-06-06 08:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-06-06 07:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucked up.
Submitted by Candyapple (user info) at 2006-06-06 02:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-29 05:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good. I'm glaad it's been dug out.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-03-29 04:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is amazing. I probably missed it as it was a contesty type post.
-Dave
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-03-28 14:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-03-28 13:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-03-27 21:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is wonderful Merlina. Truly engaging and emotional.
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-03-27 18:10:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful, pure emotion ...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-03-27 17:05:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate I missed this.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-27 16:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good good shit.
And this post brought us MyTeeOne, if you'll notice in the reviews.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-03-27 16:26:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Conveys a lot.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 18:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:07:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:16:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
What did you mean when you said "if Alex learns to hug."
Whats wrong with my hugging? Am I too standoffish? It's just because I'm boney and I'm self consious that the other party will start screaming "Rape, Rape, Rape!" if I let too much of my body touch theirs.
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what are you talking about Berty??
---------------------------------
Um... Nevermind, I have some vauge recollection of someone saying something this to me during/post ubercon. The memory surfaced with great force yesterday.
In hindsight I realise that no-one said it and it probably occurred in some semi-forgotten dream.
Sorry for my madness.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-24 15:07:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:16:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
What did you mean when you said "if Alex learns to hug."
Whats wrong with my hugging? Am I too standoffish? It's just because I'm boney and I'm self consious that the other party will start screaming "Rape, Rape, Rape!" if I let too much of my body touch theirs.
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what are you talking about Berty??
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-24 11:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What did you mean when you said "if Alex learns to hug."
Whats wrong with my hugging? Am I too standoffish? It's just because I'm boney and I'm self consious that the other party will start screaming "Rape, Rape, Rape!" if I let too much of my body touch theirs.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-21 05:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have been partial to "halving"
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
story was a +1.3, and you didn't have the filename for me to round up.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/77238
Another Madness Entry
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I started a new job the other day and am pretty damn bored. I found this site and read this piece. Damn - that was good. I had to get a log in just to say that. Nice character development and the story flowed well. I'll be looking for more of your stuff.
Submitted by The_Bloke (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
30 reviews :)
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you get
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
make sure
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-18 23:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are now officially my favorite Uber writer, Merlina. Everytime you write something I think, "damn, I should have written that."
I had a spot on the beach like that once too, long ago:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73894
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah Shlongy it was just the once...
next one I promise.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:55:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah Shlongy..why you not read my posts no more? *weeps*
Because you never mention me IN the posts anymore, sweetie pie.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for sharing........brought a tear to my eye.
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't get the chance to rate this early but...
Wonderful.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by resignator (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NOWorNEVER (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cani be your new biggest fan?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A true insight into your soul
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-18 13:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another great one. I enjoyed this.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
always pissing it up a wall you lot - well my lot too I suppose
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I totally adore James Joyce, Daniel..
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
I'm a major Joyce fan, if that matters. Speaking of him and Ireland, I believe William Faulkner ripped off James Joyce, who himself ripped off Virginia Woolf- as far as stream-of-consciousness writing goes.
That's heresy in the South, btw, to say that Faulkner ripped off anyone. But he did. Completely.
"Rush" Ireland- I bet the stations there play a lot of 2112? +++
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Having the Plus Two. ["Halving the Sand" would've been a relevant title too, though not as good.]
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks guys..
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking awesome Merlina!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like very very much
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid effort
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you keep writing. No, dammit, KEEP WRITING. ;)
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-18 12:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful