Things my boss has said to me, or, Skate it Off (in a negative sense) (1527 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.51 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2005-10-18 14:20:53 EDT
The beautiful thing about both of the following comments is that they were both let slip from the syphilitic mouth of this hell spawn after work she had me do, to cover her ass, was done to the fucking tee. Understand, I performed my job flawlessly; she just regretted the end results of her own decisions and had to whack somebody over it.
1. "You need to realize who is in charge here!!" (Said in front of perhaps 150 people AND, grabbing the front of my suit jacket. Volume: shrieking banshee.)
2. "You never think, you don't even use your brain do you?!?" (Said in front of two co-workers. This happened the day after her two week long trip to Hawaii.)
I know that if I were to respond to these kinds of comments in the manner that I wanted, a torrent of foul language would flow from my mouth that could shame a Southeast Asian hooker. The sheer ferocity of my verbal onslaught would damn near kill the she-beast. I don't believe that I would be able to stop at merely expressing myself through the English language. Physical violence would have to occur if I was to let slip word one. Once the floodgates of rage were opened there would be no turning back.
Oh yeah, bitch, that's right.
Some statistical information, for purposes of calling the fight:
My boss is a five foot one, 325 pound, bleach blond Republican Catholic woman, aged in the early fifties. Both religious and political affiliations are included to give an indication of the extreme evil this creature is capable of. She is not a lesbian (I think), but wears man-ish clothes and has a crewcut. She is one of those rare large white women, you see it rather often in other ethnicities, who really think she is a gorgeous creature. Weekly manicures and pedicures, tons of expensive makeup, gaudy ass jewelry, etc....That's enough; just thinking of her this long is enough to make me puke a little. I want anyone interested to be able to finish reading this without just exploding from the horrifying mental imagery.
I am a little over six feet tall, 215 pounds, healthy male. I am in good shape. Not professional athlete good shape, but there isn't a lot of weight to spare. I grew up in a family of seven kids with three of them being older brothers. Due to this, I have been on both the receiving and handing out end of my share of ass kickings. Oh, and I have a lovely German- Irish temper to really make the confrontations that I find myself in that much more fun. Berserker type yelling, flying spittle, eyes bulging out of the head, etc.
One last fact of interest. She makes well over $150K/year. I make in the neighborhood of $33,000. I am perfectly capable of and have often performed every single task, bar none, that she is required to do. I remember this fact every time something of this nature happens.
On to the fight.
The sheer size of my wrath and indignation at being repeatedly treated like the dog that just bit her on her saggy tits could only be expressed through a fucking elbow to the skull. This would be followed by a violent disemboweling of this woman. I'm not sure, but I think my hands may be strong enough to pierce her protective blubber and I could accomplish this without any weapon at all. After this, a quick chuck out the fourth floor office window should finish the trick.
That's it. I know I could have the job done that quickly.
Afterwards I'd stroll downstairs and have a nice steaming piss on the wreck of her carcass.
This is what I dream of. This is what needs to be done.
So, as the next insult starts to spew from her grub hole, my knuckles tighten and turn white. I start to open my mouth to reply.....
And I remember my son. And my wife. Must keep repeating.
WifeBoyWifeBoyWifeBoyWife
One day, I will get to crush this person. I will delight in it. For now I take my simple pleasure from the fact that I wrote and posted this while participating in a conference call, with her in the same room, never the wiser. Bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 12:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good, first post or not.
One peice of advice. Try and steer clear of posting stuff which includes any of the Uber cliches.
Skate it off
Ha ha rabbit
har har peener
But I digress.....
Soup's on bitches
etc etc
you took this review to heart didn't you? Good first post noob. I know that you resorted to all kinds of tomfolery after this so I won't tell you not to. instead I'd like to recomend the you reciprocate and go read/rate my old posts. I got through a page and a hlaf of ghola's yesterday, doubt I'll get so far today but we'll see.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-05 14:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto "violent disemboweling" +2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2006-12-09 21:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, your description of her, as well as her humiliating statements, made me hate her. I hope you can destroy her soon.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-12-09 21:23:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 DIE N00B!!!
I NEVER RATED YOUR FIRST POST?
UN
ACCEPTABLE!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:42:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -2ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2006-10-13 16:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hahahahaha
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-08-30 05:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno Scourge. You're an easy going bloke - I think she'd take you.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MAN how can you put up with that?? Is there nothing that can be done, besides murder and mutilation?
Like, transfering to a different department or getting her fired?
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-12 14:27:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgot to rate, good post. Are you in California, because I think I know the woman you're speaking of.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-01-12 14:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I grew up in a family of seven kids with three of them being older brothers. Due to this, I have been on both the receiving and handing out end of my share of ass kickings. Oh, and I have a lovely German- Irish temper to really make the confrontations that I find myself in that much more fun. Berserker type yelling, flying spittle, eyes bulging out of the head, etc.
-----
ME TOOOO!!! Except I'm a female from a family of 4 kids me being the youngest and only girl. I whoop ass too. Don't gamble with a Campbell!!! And I'm Swedish as well as Irish and German......I yell and bulge but mostly I'm known for my tone of voice and nose flaring!!!!!
Wait, are we related?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-01-12 14:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-01-12 14:09:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm glad he's going through and +2ing all of these. btw, if she doesn't check something you do for her before it's sent in under her name what are the chances she'd be able to feasibly blame you for the mistake her higher ups see her make?
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2006-01-12 13:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my gosh! It's the son of our lord! Jesus Voltage! He has come to undo all the damage that minimumdino has done!
"My son, bask in my glory. For I am the Onstar that will lead you to salvation. I am the mapquest that knows the way to heaven. And I got a bitchin +2 here for ya."
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-11 19:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what kind of sledgehammer should I use?
Submitted by bandphotographer (user info) at 2005-11-15 22:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'I am a little over six feet tall, 215 pounds, healthy male. I am in good shape. Not professional athlete good shape, but there isn't a lot of weight to spare. I grew up in a family of seven kids with three of them being older brothers. Due to this, I have been on both the receiving and handing out end of my share of ass kickings. Oh, and I have a lovely German- Irish temper to really make the confrontations that I find myself in that much more fun. Berserker type yelling, flying spittle, eyes bulging out of the head, etc'
Marry Me, PLEASE!!!
+2 Fairy
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-10-19 07:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty cool
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-19 06:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very good start, now you have to keep it up (metophorically speaking)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stfu n00b
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good, first post or not.
One peice of advice. Try and steer clear of posting stuff which includes any of the Uber cliches.
Skate it off
Ha ha rabbit
har har peener
But I digress.....
Soup's on bitches
etc etc
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good, first post or not.
One peice of advice. Try and steer clear of posting stuff which includes any of the Uber cliches.
Skate it off
Ha ha rabbit
har har peener
But I digress.....
Soup's on bitches
etc etc
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and I have a lovely German- Irish temper
---------------------------------------
motivated AND hot tempered! haha
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You SOOO worried me there for a second. Whew. Thought you were my brother. I'm number 5 of 7.. first 4 were boys. But he has a daughter, not a son.
Welcome to uber.
Submitted by Gunslinger (user info) at 2005-10-18 19:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
You're in luck! The best saying EVAR applies to you!
Cunt-punt that bitch.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-10-18 19:15:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-10-18 18:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:30:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Begin a campaign of subtle mindfucking with her, like...take a dump in her purse the next time she leaves it unattended.
Subtle.
------------------------------
Nice.
My boss prolly makes quadruple my salary, but at least he respects me and acknowledges my work from his own. In meetings he gives credits to me for my ideas, rather than stealing them as his own.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SKATE IT OFF YOU FUCKING PUSSY
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the post
Special introductory bonus +1 for submitting a decent first post.
Now STFU Noob
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. "You need to realize who is in charge here!!" (Said in front of perhaps 150 people AND, grabbing the front of my suit jacket. Volume: shrieking banshee.)
-----------------------------
I would have her job for that alone...get the bitch fired.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Kitchen's on the left. Shitter's on the right.
Oh, and don't touch my beer.
Besides that, you're good to go.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah and welcome
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a few bosses do that to me one occasion. My responses always stopped all further tirades:
"Did you just touch my breast?"
or
"Still bitter cause I won't put out huh?"
Neither should be used without coworkers present. Now remember, you may only use this knowledge for good..... never, EVER for evil.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:44:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.. welcome to uber.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good first post,
but a first post nontheless.
Keep up the good work, and write something whilst not being distracted by a conference call.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you didn't work side by side with your boss for twenty years as her right hand man. Then, when the business was sold, she got a $800,000.00 bonus and you got NOTHING! True story, happened to a guy I work with.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:30:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Begin a campaign of subtle mindfucking with her, like...take a dump in her purse the next time she leaves it unattended.
Subtle.
------------------------------
Nice rant, but this comment made me laugh more.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post.. welcome to uber.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Slap her hard but playfully on the ass in front of a large group of co-workers. When she acts shocked, say "What? You liked it last night, piggy." Works like a charm. Of course, you'll get fired, but she will be forced to resign under suspicion of inappropriate workplace fraternization.
Submitted by internetslacker (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Begin a campaign of subtle mindfucking with her, like...take a dump in her purse the next time she leaves it unattended.
Subtle.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Welcome.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i hate fat white woman bosses.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
DentalplanLisaNeedsBracesDentalPlanLisaNeedsBraces.
Submitted by Sastira (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be sure to post and tell us the story of how you eradicated this foul human wasteland when it happens!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NBFP.
not bad first post.