Ten New Google Services (1029 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Internet Slacker (View user info) at 2005-10-18 14:26:35 EDT
We here at Google want to thank you, the Internet user, for making us the number one search engine on the planet. We will continue to expand our online services to attract a wider audience and hopefully in the near future the entire Earth's population will find us indispensable to Life itself, because that's our goal: to make you Google whether you want to or not.
To further Google's plans of eventual world domi...service, we're introducing ten great new features to the already exciting Google family! We hope you'll give them a try. (Did we say "we hope"? We meant, "you better give them a try or else we'll break something in you". Ha Ha! Just kidding! Most of the Google staff personally assures your physical safety if you choose none of the below services, but Vinny the 300 pound Google "accountant" informs us that "accidents do happen".)
10) Google Porn
Tired of looking for free porn using Google's Image Search and that pesky "SafeSearch mode" always gets in the way? With Google Porn you just turn "PornSearch mode" on and every image search even if it has nothing to do with porn delivers limitless jpegs of nudely goodness. Search for "coffee table" and only pictures of naked women ON coffee tables will appear! "Christian love" results in countless images of Lesbian nun orgies. "Political economic statistics" brings you animated gifs of ex-president Bill Clinton doing a Labrador retriever.
9) Google Verbal Abuse
An add-on to the Google Talk software, Google Verbal Abuse lets you call up totally random strangers over the Internet and insult them with perfect anonymity. Harken back to the days when you were a child and the telephones didn't have Caller ID and every day after school you'd phone up Old Man Wiekens and tell him he was "old and close to death", that he "smelled like a Yeti's penis", and his wife was "so fat that at the movie theatres she sits next to everyone."
8) Google Earth Pro - College Sorority Window Zoom Feature
With an additional small fee after upgrading to Google Earth Pro, you'll be able to zoom into any major college sororities' bedroom windows on the planet from the comfort of your own home. Become a virtual Bluto Blutowski from "Animal House" as you watch hot college chicks get naked in perfect satellite resolution, without the danger of your ladder falling backwards, crushing you into the lawn.
7) Google Paris Hilton
You love Paris Hilton, don't you? Of course you do! The all-knowing & powerful American entertainment industry says Paris Hilton is "da bomb", so we, the viewing public, just can't get enough of the scrawny little minx. Even though Ms. Hilton has no appreciable talent or worth on this planet, that won't stop Google from sending you updates (to both your PC and cell phone) about each and every new detail in Paris' life, no matter how tiny or trivial! Gasp in joy as you learn that Paris has just bought a new otter fur ass-thong! Laugh and shake your head as your cell phone alerts you at four-thirty two in the morning of Paris Hilton's slight sinus ache. Hell, Google will even tell you when the bitch is taking a dump!
6) Google Superhero Alert Wristwatch
Remember all those cool tv shows where the superhero would get an alert call from headquarters on the snazzy high-tech wristwatch he or she wore? Want to experience that feeling? Just sign up with the new Google Superhero Alert service, pay a small fee, and in six to ninety-two weeks you'll receive your Google Superhero Alert Wristwatch in the mail!
When you are with your friends, Google will send out an electronic signal to your Superhero Alert Wristwatch causing it to beep loudly and say a phrase along the lines of, "Justice Tribunal, Assemble! Gorgolon is attacking the city!" Then you can say, "I...I have to go now" and flee the room . Cool. You'll get the babes by the boatloads.
5) Google Interesting Life Blog
Want to blog but your life is boring and, well, just sucks? Let Google do your blogging! Our monthly subscription service will set up a blog for you, staffed by our herd of basement-dwelling mole-like albino Google writers; fed with dried food pellets in long metal troughs, they make half-moaning, half-squeaking noises as they squat over their keyboards typing, ever typing, for the Google Whip is merciless.
But anyways, your new rich and fascinating fictional life will be sure to thrill all of your online readers; in fact, pay us to make you a political blog and we'll get you on CNN! And don't worry if no one visits your blog, Google can take care of that with...
4) Google Blog Readers
Nobody is visiting your crappy little blog? Didn't bother signing up with Google to write your blog and your pointless existence just isn't drawing the e-crowds? You suck so much you can't even be "emo"? Pay the staff at Google to read your online diary and make encouraging comments to empower you! (And we here at Google do care about you, trust us; we wouldn't ever laugh about your blog entries, especially the one where you wrote about your vasectomy going horribly, horribly wrong. Oh no, we wouldn't laugh about that. Especially in the Google Lunchroom, or during Google Conventions, or discussing your personal blog details with our Google Spouses).
3) Google Very Personal Companion
Just type "I need a woman NOW" into the Google Search bar and, well, we'll do the rest. Merely wait for a knock at your door and say hello to your new friend for the evening, "Shaneequa". We here at Google have made our stock options triple just by hooking up pimps with Google Maps.
2) Google Weather
This isn't a new service, but if you're using Google Search to look up your local weather, WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF THE INTERNET FOR A FEW SECONDS, GET OUT OF THE BASEMENT, AND STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW? Sorry, sorry...we here at Google just get a little annoyed at you weird computer nerds out there sometimes. And we're getting powerful enough that we don't care who we ostracize by our comments. So, really, we're not sorry. How about wiping the Frito's dust off your pudgy abdomen and taking a walk in the sunlight every now and again, "l33td00d"? Oh, that's right, the sun BURNS, doesn't it? Ah, just go back to your goddamn computer.
1) Google First Born Child Pledge
Face it: Google is taking over the world. Each and every day we add more indispensable services to the Internet, ones you can't help but use. Soon we'll control the Earth's governments with our shadowy lizard planet mind control rays. So take our advice and pledge your tasty first born human offspring to Google right now, and we'll make sure you have a relatively painless social function in our future two-tiered servant-master society.
We here at Google cheerfully command you to check out our new and disquieting services every day, and remember our new Google slogan: "When We Said Google Earth, Motherfuckers, We Weren't Kidding."
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-05-14 16:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-05-14 15:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Blah.
Poor attempt at humor. But not quite -2 material.
You tried.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-14 15:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-10-19 07:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool stuff
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-18 21:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bowser (user info) at 2005-10-18 20:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, this wasn't done a thousand times before.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-10-18 19:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-10-18 18:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 4 teh L1zz4rd @l13nz!
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some were a little weak, but a few carried it.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-10-18 17:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I already gave google my first born!
Submitted by BiGTiMe.NeRD (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
P.S. Google's the shit! (Even without all these services.)
Submitted by badlogik (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Google is my master.
Submitted by LiquidPaper (user info) at 2005-10-18 16:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be lost without google.
Google and my compass.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny shit.
Submitted by Draqus (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-10-18 15:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This rawked, fuck them haters.
Submitted by pizdets (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat Tony has been using #5 for months.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one of the best new Uberers around. No idea what climbed up GodChicken's ass.
Bart better watch out. I think Google may be edging into Uber territory with #5 there.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh at work so....
fuck you bunches
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than most crap here. #8 had me laughing.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold,
I loved it.!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sign me up for #9.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Blah.
Poor attempt at humor. But not quite -2 material.
You tried.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-18 14:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha