The Top 5 Books and Movies of 2006 (1871 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.73 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic Cymbals (View user info) at 2005-10-18 22:27:39 EDT
Top 5 Books and Movies of 2006
Books
5) The Airport Novel Case by John Grisham
Just two weeks after moving into a plush new apartment on Central Park West, up and coming Hot-Shot attorney Harry Typical must fight not only for his client, but for his life! After discovering the secret behind his firm's success (they use 1.5 spacing then bill their clients for double spacing) Typical gets drawn deeper and deeper into a web of intrigue so intriguing and web-like that escape seems impossible. Luckily for him, a Vietnam veteran who finds hidden messages in things helps him bring the intriguing web to light. Intriguing.
4) The Jurassic Robot by Michael Crichton
Yet another "Made for Film" book by the master of made for film books. This thinly veiled screenplay has been critically acclaimed as "Guaranteed to be a box office hit!" by Empire Magazine and "we can't wait until the movie comes out" by the New York Times. In this book/film various scientists run around against a seemingly indestructible product of man's inquisitive nature and come out on top. Various extraneous characters die and the two protagonists fall in love and get ready for the sequel. Gripping.
3) The Code of Deception and Honor by Tom Clancy
A gripping thriller described as "Gripping and Thrilling" by Mr Clancy sees terrorists and Soviets unite with a nuclear plan to destroy the CIA. Described as "the most thrilling thriller since his last effort" Ex-CIA agent Markus Bland must come out of retirement and fight with the South American Contras to make sure an extremist Arab group don't get stolen North Korean nukes into the CIA headquarters. Plenty of action to grip and thrill. A gripping political thriller just jam-packed with thrills. Thrilling.
2.) Harry Potter and the Irritating Repetition by J.K. Rowling
This year, Harry fights against more tired stereotypes and learns that books often CAN be judged by their covers. He has particular trouble with an UNINVENTIVUS curse that makes characters suddenly two dimensional! He comes up against Voldemort again and you will be shocked at the PREDICTABLISSIMO spell that ties this book up and earns Ms Rowling another 100 million.
1.) The Deception Code by Dan Brown
A dashing archaeologist rushes to save the world against a bizarre cult that is trying to bring about the second coming of Jesus through the various works of Picasso. Aided by the exotic Unessa Sara-Lee Gorgess, a nuclear systems analyst/ swimsuit model, he must follow a trail of clues left in a variety of historically interesting yet fairly irrelevant locations until a gripping finale at the Super-bowl where Jesus comes back to life! Either buy it now online or get Dan Brown's previous book and switch some of the names around!
MOVIES
5. I H8 U N WNT 2 KL U.
Genre: Generic Asian Adaptation Modern-Device based Horror.
I H8 U N WNT 2 KL U (I hate you, and want to kill you) is the next step in horror movies based around some sort of media. It is about a girl who begins to receive haunting Text messages (including blank ones and ones that go "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh OOOOOH"). She is further haunted by these visions and by slowed-down then quickly sped up camera shots until she comes across an old Nokia manual in her attic, and realises her phone battery used to belong to a satanic nun and was used to murder a group of orphans. Completely unbelievable and pointless, she ends up avenging the orphans by switching to a different mobile plan and prank calling various convents.
4. The Superhero
Genre: Screen version of an esoteric 50s comic strip.
With a budget of one hundred and fifty bajillion dollars, this latest Hollywood version of an old comic has been described as "Not as good as the previews" and "it had a great preview". In this spectacular spectacular, a lone man must fight against the forces of CGI and undertake tasks so huge only the latest computer imagery could be used to cover the lack of plot and character. Deservedly won the Oscars for "most expensive" and "least acting" ahead of a horde of other movies.
3. The Kegstand.
Genre: Hyperactive gross-out comedy
Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell star in this hilarious comedy about four middle-aged layabouts who make a crazy bet about who can be the first to go through college and hook up with the most girls. Hilarious antics ensue as the college and toilet jokes of the last 8 years are recycled mercilessly. Keep an eye out for Owen Wilson having to sleep with a fat girl (HILARIOUS) and Vince Vaughn deadpanning while he eats a bucket of cow semen thinking it's pig semen (HILARIOUS!). Deservedly the highest grossing comedy of the year as it had the most well known actors and the least intellectual stimulation.
2. The Godfather
Genre: Remake.
In keeping with the Hollywood trend of remaking movies so that they're not as good as the original, "The Godfather" lived down to everyone's expectations. Casting Rob Schneider as Don Vito Corleone has been described as "Inspired... by stupidity" and the use of flashy graphics to mask weak acting, bustier women and the introduction of the character "Jar Jar Binko" for slapstick comic relief made sure this film would never live up to the original while still managing to gross $2.5 billion at the box office.
1. Rome
Genre: Historical Epic
What does it take to make an epic? A 4 hour running time? Massive CGI battle scenes? Heavily scripted one line dialogue like "Don't let me die" "I won't let you die"? If you said YES to all of the above then Rome is for you! Made with an almost unlimited budget, hordes of extras and with Brad Pitt as the young Caesar and The Rock as Attila the Hun, Rome is the latest box office smash to show two big armies running down hills into each other while the camera zooms in really quickly and a quiet clashing noise becomes the loud cacophony of battle. The deserved winner of 38 Oscars including "most Oscars" this movie is a must see if you must see award winning films.
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-23 16:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is fucking gold all over the place
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-02-23 16:47:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The deserved winner of 38 Oscars including "most Oscars" this
HAHAHAHA
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-19 22:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-11-19 22:35:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:29:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-11-16 05:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS. they have made movies into books: the star wars books are a good example.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-10-23 10:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phallic,
I've spent this boring morning at work reading your stuff...and by golly I really like it.
Keep up the good work. Uber needs more phallic. or something.
and to comment on a comment:
"That guy is about 2 years away from being the MAN. He's so counterculture, he will denounce the iPod. "
Been there done that:
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2665948
click "watch now"...yes i'm the runner with the short-shorts.
+2 for the post, and also because i'm shamelessly plugging something i did.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-20 00:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just reread ETS and celine's comments and i think i can safely say i do not know what the fuck they are talking about.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have ANOTHER because I laughed out loud and it takes much to do that.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rule
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was heavily amused by this...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 13:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow I really dug up the pretentious BA-dropout pseuds, didn't i.
--------------------------
ETS and Celine,
Every time you speak, you sound more and more eMoXXorS.
It's cool that you didn't like the piece, but leave out your "counter-culture", "outside-the-box" mentality.
LIEK OMG, YOU ARE SOOOO RIGHT ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID IN UR REVEW, IF I GO TO A COMMUNITEE COLLEDGE LIKE U DID, KEN i BEE THAT SMART??
What ever happened to just the "meh" 0, and move on?
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:26:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, I know funny, and this I know.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. DAMMIT I wish I was funny.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow I really dug up the pretentious BA-dropout pseuds, didn't i.
----------------------------
We all gotta be pseudo-something, I guess. Really, when you think about it, the last time we were really genuine was when we were babies. After that, we all fucked it up by looking at each other and going:
"What are you doing?"
"I don't know...what are YOU doing!?"
"Well I thought I'd see what YOu were doing."
"Well, so did I!"
"Cool."
"Yea, we're cool! This is 'cool'."
Then a third guy comes along and shoots them both and a fourth guy who saw the whole thing goes: "Now THAT's COOL!"
--
Celine: Interesting commentary. I pretty much agree. It seems that all our wannabe artists of this generation - the geeks, the crazies, the metalheads, the punks - all got jobs in advertising. Our society is fucked up.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-19 07:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was about to -2 you for having grisham on your list, before I realized it was a joke. A good joke.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:19:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow I really dug up the pretentious BA-dropout pseuds, didn't i.
haha
+2 for that
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You said what we were all thinking.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow I really dug up the pretentious BA-dropout pseuds, didn't i.
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-10-19 01:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-18 23:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, I really don't mean this as any offense to you, in another mood, perhaps I would have found this more funny, but these 'ooo, isn't pop culture soooo predictable and, as a result, funny!' posts and comedic commentary you see in virtually every modern comic's repertoir are themselves becoming predictable and, as a result, less funny.
So naturally, you can excuse my tendency to try and one-up you by adding yet another level of irony to the mix in an attempt at funniness that will, in its own time, become just as stale and predictable as a math problem.
I think what makes it worse is that this is just the kind of thing that Bart would choose for B@W because 20 people emailed him going "leik, OMG! There is this post the likes of which I ain't never seen, dog." It's all so passe and predictable now.
Jesus Christ, is there nothing new under the sun? If so, is it funny? Shit, is it at least naked? Cause I'd settle for 'only possessing mild melanoma'.
Damn I'm a sad man.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not so sad, ETS. While reading this, I thought it was funny (I was in the mood that you weren't), but after reading your comment, I realized that this line of commentary/comedy is going to become the next "Valley Girl."
Dumb Slut: Lol, like, oh my god! Did you see that hilarious comedian making fun of all the movies/books/music we love? Oh, he was so ironic! I want to do him, he's so pointed!
Stupid Sloor: Totally! Now let's go have sex with indie rockers that wear armbands, hornrims, argyle sweater-vests, trucker hats and handlebar mustaches!
See, the Jon Stewart-esque brand of ironic comedy started out appealing to the smart, nerdy kids. People who realized how dumb pop culture was. Now that those smart nerdy kids are smart nerdy adults with media jobs making MTV shows, we have this thing called "Geek Chic."
Which means, being a nerd is now cool.
You'd think an army of thinking critics would be a good thing. And you'd be right, except that this is not what's happening. It's purely fashion and posturing. Sorority girls go to parties wearing shirts that say "I (heart) Nerds" and end up sleeping with the football team just because they all look like Rivers Cuomo.
So now, Kings of Leon and "My Name Is Earl" are dragging pop culture back to the heyday of Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top. Next thing you know, it will be "underground" and "counterculture" to own a rusted-out '88 Camaro full of broken Kicker subs while dropping out of high school and joining a union.
People in your 30s, beware. The jock that used to beat you up in high school and still bags groceries in your hometown? You know, the one that your nerdy little selves are still snickering at because you went to college?
That guy is about 2 years away from being the MAN. He's so counterculture, he will denounce the iPod.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I'm anywhere near Brisbane I'll have a dig, gimme some dates.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you look like merrick, or rosso, or one of those guys, you know the one i mean.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr Cymbals you should try to make the Brisvegas UBERcon.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i like harry potter
:(
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-18 23:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ets, the very fact of its general appeal is why this is perfect for baw. there are no gay uber in-jokes, it is not overly subtle, and will therefore appeal to the bored masses looking for a moments' distraction. it was very funny, and right on the money.
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-10-18 23:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of it was less than funny, but extremely glib, self-conscious wordplay made up for it.
To wit:
- a web of intrigue so intriguing and web-like ...
- he eats a bucket of cow semen thinking it's pig semen (HILARIOUS!).
- The deserved winner of 38 Oscars including "most Oscars"
Nicely done, a big fat +2 for jew.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-18 23:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For what it's worth, I did chuckle in a couple spots.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-18 23:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, I really don't mean this as any offense to you, in another mood, perhaps I would have found this more funny, but these 'ooo, isn't pop culture soooo predictable and, as a result, funny!' posts and comedic commentary you see in virtually every modern comic's repertoir are themselves becoming predictable and, as a result, less funny.
So naturally, you can excuse my tendency to try and one-up you by adding yet another level of irony to the mix in an attempt at funniness that will, in its own time, become just as stale and predictable as a math problem.
I think what makes it worse is that this is just the kind of thing that Bart would choose for B@W because 20 people emailed him going "leik, OMG! There is this post the likes of which I ain't never seen, dog." It's all so passe and predictable now.
Jesus Christ, is there nothing new under the sun? If so, is it funny? Shit, is it at least naked? Cause I'd settle for 'only possessing mild melanoma'.
Damn I'm a sad man.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're ahead of your time.
Why don't they make movies into books? That just occured to me.
I'm givin' you all the cleverness I got, Lightnin'.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:44:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wollongong. 1 hour South of Shitney.
--==--=-=-=-=-==-
Ah.
I just got off the phone with Saxon. We were discussing an upcoming Ubercon Brisbane. For some reason I thought you lived up in the Northern Rivers area... but alas.
Submitted by yeahthatme (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You wrote it like you stole it, it was that good.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that this is so funny "because it's true."
But goddamn.
It's SO depressing that it's so fucking true.
Well done.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wollongong. 1 hour South of Shitney.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Phalls, where do you live?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2005-10-18 22:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
gay