A considerate man would slow his pace and let her cum first (3004 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-10-19 00:05:32 EDT
Reading a good life magazine the other day I read a scathing critique of a restaurant that left you with no doubt this critic hated this particular establishment and after leaving, went home and made himself regurgitate the food he had eaten. In fact he was so scathing I'm surprised he didn't vomit what he had eaten onto his table saying "that's what I thought of your food and because I'm not taking it with me I should get my money back"
As consumers we are all critics, whether it be food, cars or anything we pay money for. Personally I rarely eat McDonalds and only ever eat KFC when hung over and need a grease and oil change. I have also tasted pizzas where I am sure the delivery person's shoes would have been tastier and I swear I have had coffee that tasted like it had been strained through an old woman's panties.
With all of this in mind, would it be fair to say that only the low and scurrilous would pass judgement on something they received for free?
This of course got me thinking about things you really could critique. I wonder if any one has ever stood up in church after a sermon and said "Father, that was a pretty crappy sermon. Your delivery was a mish mash of disjointed here say and needed much more fire and brimstone and the organ music made me feel I was at a Goth party, I'm sorry father but I think you let team religion down today"
The lollypop lady (woman carrying a STOP sign at school crossing for you American readers) is a much-revered person in my country and gives of her time voluntarily for no pay. Has anyone ever confronted one of these ladies and gone "Look here woman, I have timed you and you show bias by giving more time to road crossing school children then road using drivers and if you don't stop blowing that damn whistle so loudly, I will shove it so far up your arse it will only tweet when you fart"
And what about sex?
We are critics when it comes to sex but we never give a critique to our partner (unless you are a prick) during the post coital bliss. Would it be ok if the guy rolled off saying, "well it wasn't bad but the hip thrusting movement could have been more enthusiastic and quite frankly the moaning and sighing was under par"
What if the female partner exclaimed "the aggressive pumping made up for the lack of size and the fact you finished just as I was starting to climax peeved me somewhat, and when I said I liked a little talking while doing it I didn't mean you screaming POKE THAT PUSSY, POKE THAT PUSSY"
Loving couples take the time to show and explain to their partners what they like and how they like it performed but for the one night stander he or she has to wing it a little, especially during the foreplay. I for one would like a running commentary by a female partner while I'm going about the business, mainly to give me some direction or perhaps an indication if I'm doing things right.
How would that go?
"The soft lips on lips kissing is pleasant enough but we feel your lack of oral hygiene needs some attention as the taste is quite distracting. Hang on, the tongue thrashing about in our mouth gives one the feeling of a ferret loose in our oral cavity and we would suggest we move on from this action.
Your kisses around our neck now is soothing and thankfully the taste of that mouth has been removed, ok the kisses seem to be heading toward the ear lobe, this is a good move. Yes yes that is progressing well but lets not linger there. The groping of the buttocks may be a little premature but the nibbling of the ear lobe is heightening our awareness.
I'm sorry but the poking of the tongue inside the ear is not erotic and should be ceased immediately. We find the eye contact you are providing while unbuttoning our blouse is more humorous then sexy, but we don't mind you trying that smouldering look, thankfully no one is watching. At this stage I feel compelled to tell you that blouse was expensive and the manner in which you are unbuttoning it may rip a button off, please take care.
Ok ok please stop the smouldering look as you slip our blouse off it is getting harder for us to keep from giggling. No I'm sorry you can't just drop a blouse like that onto the floor. Yes that's better, place it on the chair, thank you. Ok the kisses of the exposed breast flesh above the bra cups is pleasant enough. Oh I see your kisses have returned to the neck while your hands fumble with the bra clasps. Ok I see at this stage I better help unclip the bra.
We would find glances at our naked breasts more appealing if they weren't an obvious ogle, Hang on buddy, grabbing at the breasts like that is not erotic try a softer approach. Ok that's a little better but less teeth when you are mouthing the nipple please.
I would suggest you refrain from that smouldering look as you remove your shirt, if you insist on doing it we cannot be held responsible for a giggle or even a cough-covered giggle. No please, wobbling your hips like that so your penis flops about inside your underwear is not sexy please cease that movement and get back to work.
Yes I liked the way you placed my skirt on the chair beside the blouse, it seems you are learning. Ok the hugging is a little too rough, you are mashing our breasts flat and it is painful, do we have to remind you we are not a Tonka truck? The body kisses tickle but is still pleasant enough, you may continue.
For future reference the rough removal of our panties is not erotic, we do like to be taken but not as if by a Neanderthal. Yes yes the pubic hair is silky but pulling on them like that isn't erotic. We feel at this stage we should remind you that you are not licking gravy from a plate. Ok that's getting the juices flowing a little now, no no no the vagina is not ready for penetration yet.
Please stop blowing into the vagina it will put air into it and cause embarrassing pussy farts when we engage in copulation. The clitoris cannot be manipulated like the forward and backward button on the play station controller, it is sensitive and requires soft caresses. Excuse me please you do not stimulate the vagina with your fingers like you are gutting a dead chicken.
I think penetration at this stage would be advisable. Um shoving it in like you are putting a key into a lock isn't erotic and could you please slow the-what the fuck?
Did you just
Oh my god I haven't had an orgasm yet.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2006-10-11 04:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the T- Shirt
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-10-25 13:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:19:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm waiting for the day I grunt "+2!" during climax.
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+2 for williamson too!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-10-25 08:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not as funny as your crocodile post.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so few memories...so much time...
Submitted by fuckstick (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POKE THAT PUSSY! POKE THAT PUSSY!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-19 21:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG I WANT THAT SHIRT!!
Submitted by Chicane (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We read this and had an unfortunate vision of the Queen in our heads.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Printing this out an pasting it to The Boyfriend's face.
We find the constant use of "we" and "our" instead of "I" and "My" to be hilariously funny and will probably be referring to ourselves like that all day long.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-19 13:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 13:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-19 12:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No please, wobbling your hips like that so your penis flops about inside your underwear is not sexy please cease that movement and get back to work.
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You've been watching me from the closet again, haven't you SEXON? I patented that move in 1864.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You slay me Saxon.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...I don't even want to have sex anymore.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost feels like a counter-post to 'If I cum now...'. This is awesome.
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Would love to see a woman write the opposing response.
That is what the male critique of the woman's bed manner is.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-19 11:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it in yet?
MOST HORRIBLE INSULT EVER!
I mean EVAR!
Submitted by clit_commander (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excuse me please you do not stimulate the vagina with your fingers like you are gutting a dead chicken.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lower...lower...left a bit....now up....up!...UP!...NOT THERE!....ahhh...now right a bit...no my right....my right moron!...why have you stopped?
Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, that's pretty much how it goes. *sigh*
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the writing was okay. No grammatical errors, which is a plus. This had the right amount of sarcasm with a touch of ribaldry. Your argument is supported well via...
Bad joke by me?--good job.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...and I swear I have had coffee that tasted like it had been strained through an old woman's panties."
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*spews coffee on laptop screen*
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My motto is if I can make her cum, then I'll be asked back for more. It's not exactly tough for guys to blow their wad.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-10-19 09:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hearsay not "here say."
Sorry.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-10-19 08:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dea (user info) at 2005-10-19 08:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-10-19 08:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-19 07:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG I just thought of something!! In Australia is the crossing guard lady called the lollypop lady because instead of a STOP sign she carries an ACTUAL GIANT LOLLYPOP??
If so, I'm moving to Australia post-haste.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-19 07:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The lollypop lady (woman carrying a STOP sign at school crossing for you American readers) is a much-revered person in my country" -- called a crossing guard in other parts of the world, mate. Also referred to as 'sitting duck.'
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:01:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT YOU'RE ENGLISH.
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He's from the penal colony.
It's been ages since we had a pint, mate, we shold go and get lashed on the weekend.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was really good, but perhaps a little long . I still giggled through most of it though.
Definitely plus 2.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No please, wobbling your hips like that so your penis flops about inside your underwear is not sexy please cease that movement and get back to work."
Are you the company secretary...?
Furthermore, if my mom looked like that, i'd be in jail right now.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-10-19 05:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY SHIT YOU'RE ENGLISH.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm waiting for the day I grunt "+2!" during climax.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude chicks are for fags
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-10-19 02:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by celine (user info) at 2005-10-19 01:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm sorry father but I think you let team religion down today"
This, my friends, is the meaning of life.
+2. Yes.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's nothing quite as distracting as the smell of your own semen, on the lips of your
woman, while both of you are still in 'the clinches'.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic Saxon post right here!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should have moved to Australia when I had the chance years ago. Saxon will you marry me and sponser me to move to Oz?
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lots of B@W titles recently.
i haven't read this yet, but i assume from the author it is up to snuff.
Submitted by erinly (user info) at 2005-10-19 00:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment