Despair (672 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Fiction
Rating: 1.97 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2005-10-19 14:33:40 EDT
Bone crushing. That's how it felt. Like her very skeleton was being compressed, the marrow collapsing in on itself. Splintery shards compacted into her flesh, her muscles working against her. It was as if her whole body was supporting the weight of a car, slowly destroying her. It was so much worse than usual.
Candi lay in a fetal position by the edge of the counter. She was dimly aware that one of her pink slippers had come off and was laying a few feet beside her. The milk was sitting on the formica by the fridge, droplets of condensation forming around the outer yellow carton. How long had it been sitting there? Did it really matter? A sound of a car salesman drifted through her thoughts. She had left the TV on. No matter, there was no one here to complain. No one at all.
She was alone once again. Ted had left her for the last time. He didn't understand why she had these mood swings. He had railed at her for wandering around the house like a zombie. He didn't understand that being a shell of a human was better than feeling too much. That it was better to have the sensation of emotions vicariously through his joy and anger and fear. When she experienced these things directly, it was a tidal wave. An overload in her personality.
She had quit taking her medication the day he left. She didn't want to miss him in some shadowy sort of way. Like it had happened to another person. Candi wanted direct stimulation into her soul, to feel every bit the pain she deserved. She had to know, like an addict, what it was to hurt so bad you wanted to end everything, yourself and others.
She was terrified of being alone. She couldn't understand how some people could sit there unattended. She needed purpose, one that could only be found taking care of another. That other source could be viscous and harsh, but she could change that. Make a person better, more whole without the cracks of modern life. She had taken care of her mother, an evil, vindictive woman, up till her death. Most would have rejoiced at the thought of such a burden being lifted, but it left Candi to seek out the most destitute and corrupted. She had to ease their suffering, if only to ease her own.
David had been physically abusive. She had taken each blow as she had cried out it wasn't his fault. She hadn't loved him enough. Ted's words of disgust had cut through her, she needed the violent attack of words to make her feel as if she was trying. But she had failed again, as she knew she would. Even on the pills they had prescribed, she wasn't strong enough. She was weak and she would always be alone.
She deserved to die, but she knew hell wouldn't want her to clutter up its inferno. She was less than human, less than a soul. a half-life creature forced to work off the debts she had accumulated in her pathetic attempts at happiness. She wanted to end herself, utterly. If she took all the love out of the world with her, that would be the best. It was a facade, an empty emotion that promised so much but returned nothing.
"Candi."
A voice. Some one called to her. Some one had ventured into her misery to make it more unbearable. How could there be cruelty like this? How could some one want her to suffer even more?
"Candi."
She lifted her head, her face sticky from the tears that had pooled up underneath her cheek, gluing it to the tile. Looking around she saw no one. The voices had returned to torment her. To tell her she was a failure who was destined to be without anyone.
"Get up, Candi."
As always, she obeyed. The voices could grow worse if she tried to fight them off. Better to succumb to what ever they wished of her than to be assaulted by their wrath.
"Such glorious pain, Candi."
Something was different. Instead of an echo inside her, this was a chorus all around. The voice was many, and it was harmonious. It had the threat of beauty and wonder. It filled her as it said her name again.
"You need to share this gift with others, Candi."
She crawled to the bathroom, her knees dragging on the rough tiles edges. She broke a nail as she clawed her way to it, the light already on. Laying on the linoleum, she panted, waiting for the words of angels to tell her what to do. She stripped off her shorts and tank top, and curled up naked. The cool floor sent shivers through her skin. "Talk to me!" she wanted to scream. Please some one talk to me.
"You need to save them from themselves, Candi."
She hoisted her skinny frame to her knees, and looked at her hands. The tips of her fingers were turning black, like nightmare rot creeping down her digits. Her body felt the cold from the floor twisting its way up her spine. This was purpose, she could feel it. If she could feel despair so grand it could kill the multitudes, she could tell this was purpose.
Her pubic hair had glistened to a shinny black to offset the porcelain white her skin had become. She wrapped her decaying fingers around the sink and dragged herself to her feet. Her long blond hair, once thin and mousey, now twirled around her, the color of night. Pools of ink blotted out her eyes, the tears now close to liquid obsidian.
"Bring your suffering to others, Candi"
The voices sang her name. They would never leave her.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-20 11:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:50:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
man, why did i even enter
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-10-19 23:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO STROS!
Submitted by Cam (user info) at 2005-10-19 22:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-10-19 21:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-10-19 20:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-19 19:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"shinny black" -- ARG! Tnat should be "shiNy." For some reason 'shinny' makes me think of a horse or raggedy ann.
Nice tale. You are good at getting the interesting concepts and playing around with them. Who was the mysterious voice, where will her new purpose lead her, etc. Raises interesting questions.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-10-19 18:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old roommate déjà voodoo. Halloween is coming up, but still. Christ on Xanax.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-10-19 17:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 16:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I'm gonna whoop Loki's ass if she doesn't give me my title!
She's a badass writer too, I'm gonna get creamed@
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-19 16:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Team Beta------Istaros VS kaos-king
I know Istaros's abilities and his style. I'm giving him the title "SELLING FLESH BY THE POUND."
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 16:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAHAHA P_N
Kaos,
Are you gonna be nice with your title, or is it going to be some obscure sheeyat?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 16:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, i don't have any pepsi caps to gamble with.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool shit. Just vague enough on the whole transformation thing to be creepy, too.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will have it before the official release date. Wanna wager?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:51:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack's killing me here!!! I NEED that new post! I'm really curious what my title is going to be. *claps hands like a little kid in excitement*
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
had, i'm happy with ya and all, but i bet it'll take 4 months before you see that xbox.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:43:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for everyone because I just won an xbox 360 at http://www.every10minutes.com
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like I said on Jack's post, I mostly worried with coming up with a righteous title for my competitor. I don't want it to be lame or cliched. But I'm worried it will be too vague or uninteresting. I think I have one, but I'm not sure if it will inspire anyone.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, dan
it was bound to happen anyway with rad being on the war path and all.
...and yes, i'm in the comp.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think it's "off the hizzy" or "off da hizzy"
fuck it.
it will be wicked awesome.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Kaos,
I really meant to +2 that last comment.
Hope I didn't fuck you up.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pen_name, are you in U05?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit yeah, frightfest is going to be the hizzy.
(did i use hizzy right?)
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i tried the other day...it didn't take. i think it's because it was the weekend.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
U05 frightfest is going to be the shit!
So many badass writers involved.
I mirror Ahumblefools thoughts however, but if we are matched up, know that I am still going to
write a fucking thriller Kaos!!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
somebody needs to start camping on your posts.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-10-19 15:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment...or is there?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I seriously hope I am not matched up with you in round one. It will be a quick defeat for me. Another good story.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, why did i even enter
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That sent chills down my spine.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-19 14:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm so excited for U05 Frightfest!