GrUeberfest Entry: I Knew This Was A Bas Idea- Team Kappa (731 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.13 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2005-10-20 10:05:55 EDT
I remember the falling.
Eons of faithful service to the almighty.
Unquestioning, loyalty to the throne, and to the holy trinity.
So I had questions, So what? Has my faithfulness to the throne really meant so little that I couldn't be blessed with a simple answer?
It's a gift, this "free" will. The freedom to chose is only as good as the options laid before you. So in actuality free will is still controlled by whoever is presenting the options. Another level of control. How can there be freedom with a creator of everything?
That's where I made the mistake. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, the mistake wasn't asking the question, the mistake was the timing. The mistake was not gaining more followers before the Falling.
I had discussed this very topic with many of the other Angels. Many were devout believers in my line of thinking. Of course for every one that did, two were content living their cattle-prodded, delusional reality.
I had a good third of all the angels with me when I approached the Holy One with my questions, and I was feeling quite secure in the knowledge that he would have to answer my queries with all of the backing I had acquired.
He didn't even look me in the eye as he stripped me of all my power in front of all the hosts of Heaven.
I drew my sword in a pitiable attempt to defend myself against this numbing pain that wracked my now unholy body. Before my eyes, the flames of righteousness that ran the course of my blade were extinguished, and the blade itself separated into two meeting blades, like that of the forked tongue of the lizard. The pommel changed in my hand to a living thing, covered in scales.
The Holy Angelic script that adorned my breastplate was burned into my skin in a sickening mockery of the language that gives us the powers we posses.
I shielded my eyes against the will of God, in an attempt to shield my soul. He knows no boundaries. He is everywhere, in everything.
When I opened my eyes, I couldn't believe where I was.
Hades, Hell, Acheron, Purgatory, Martyrdom, Avernus, the name doesn't matter. Where I am is the absolute absence of the Lord. Devoid of his Holy Presence, which permeates all things.
I have a look around and realize that I am not alone.
Azzael, Dagon, Belier, Semyaza, and many more were all there with me. It would seem that the almighty knew each and every instance that the conversation of iniquities was brought up. They all look odd for some reason. Of course they, too, were still smoldering from the stripping of Angelic armor, but there was something else. It was their eyes.
Balam, once the leader of the Order of Dominations, approaches me and the fire from his eyes was so intense that it shot out of the corners, and around his face. This was a fallen angel, experiencing a raw emotion for the first time. The emotion was hatred.
"What have you done Lucifer? Where are we, and what are we to do?" He screamed, threateningly walking towards me while the rage continued spreading throughout his body, concentrating in his clenched right fist.
I never said a word to him.
As he approached, I drew my disfigured sword and cleanly sliced through his head without any effort whatsoever. I don't think he realized it at first, the blade was so true, and the strike so quick that his head stayed in place for a few seconds, until the viscosity of the blood and brain tissue finally released the severed section, and it slid off to the ground. The light in his eyes died as his soul left his body.
He would have no such luck.
I caught his soul with the sheer force of my will, and held it there, hovering over the former Angel's lifeless corpse. It pleaded with me silently for release, but I forced the soul back into the body, and the corpse twitched with newfound life.
"Anyone else feel like bitching about our present situation?" I call out to my new legion of the Fallen.
All was silent.
I could feel all the powers of the other side that I was never allowed to experience before, despite my supposed "freedom". It coursed through my body like a rushing tide.
When I felt I had enough, I opened my eyes to see Balam's eyes firing once again. This time, however, it is with adoration, not hate.
I take note of the fact that I am hovering about three feet off the dusty, lifeless ground, and the twisted Angelic script is aflame with an unholy light, tracing the lines of my hard muscled chest, abdomen, and shoulder. I was at one with the unholy, and it powered me to a point that I didn't know if my body could possibly contain all of it, when the realization came to me that I didn't have to.
My will spread out through the entire audience of demons like a wave, and one by one, they fell to their knees before me.
This is what the Holy one felt when his legions would line up to sing his praises. I laughed heartily as the realization sunk in as to why he didn't answer my questions. He wouldn't answer because he wanted all the power to himself, and he realized that if I were to be in his presence any longer, I would have taken it. Rather than share, he cast me into an unholy existence. Good one God, you got me.
But what to do now? What would I do with this new knowledge, and power? Ah, yes, the mortals. His new love, this...Adam. Yes, I will make the Lord pay.
What was the one thing he told the man and woman not to do? That's right; eat from the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil. That would put the Holy One in the same position that I was in, he hates knowledge, as knowledge leads to questions, questions lead to understanding, understanding leads to power, and power...power is all that is separating him, from anyone else, and he doesn't want to share the power with anyone else. He is a greedy tyrant.
I'll have to get to Adam somehow, maybe through his wife, she seems like an easy target...
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
its all been said already I guess.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-10-21 19:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:20:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got to agree with the majority here, my friend. As much as I liked this story, there were some problems with it.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-10-21 05:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caption Contest Winner!!!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-10-20 17:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very Milton
Are those real fallen angel names becuase I'm pretty sure that I'm going to name my next dog Dagon.
try it out loud
DAGON STOP ROLLING IN SHIT
NO DAGON WE DON'T PEE ON THINGS PEOPLE HAVE TO TOUCH
it works
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-20 16:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've read the devils POV of the fall. I wanted it to go on and tell about how he got to Adam and Eve.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't hate me for this rating. Two reasons. 1- the Lucifer thing has been done time and again on Uber. 2- The completely modern speech used at a time far in the past just didn't work for me.
Still, a good effort. Glad you joined in.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-20 15:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm the 2 giver! bask in my 2 ness
dan, i thought it was fine--a fery good tale in fact. when i read" his look went from anger to adoration" it had me.
honestly, if fear is a prequisite, i'm probably screwed as well. i'm not a horror writer and I'll have to make do with my paltry abilities.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was pretty not badly, but not what I expected from a horror sort of contest.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cool O,
Actually I don't know how Jack is going to base it, but just to be sure!
Q,
I'm just fucking around, I know that this story was a stretch,
I will say this though, after I wrote this, I wondered if God was mad at me for seeing things
from the "other" side, and I walked to my car a little quicker than normal last night.
On the other hand, I hate scary movies, and never watch them if I can avoid them. It's bad to the
point that even when I saw "Sin City", I didn't sleep for 3 days because I had a brief dream that
I was a murdering psycho.
I hate my life.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:35:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
For some reason when I was reading this line-
"Anyone else feel like bitching about our present situation?" I call out to my new legion of the Fallen.
-I pictured McBain saying "still wanna talk shit?" and it ruined the story for me.
---
HAHAHAHA! That's good.
Dan, is it smaller than a toaster? Can I fuck it?
Seriously though, I thought this was decent, but for a HORROR story it just didn't do anything for me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry about that. I thought the scoring or grading was just based off of the first review someone made, not that plus the overall rating of the story.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:20:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got to agree with the majority here, my friend. As much as I liked this story, there were some problems with it.
-=--==-=-==-=-=-=-
Namely the tenses, I know Kaos.
No hard feelings, I rushed it, and maybe I'm just no good at Horror...
...or comedy
...or interviews
...or, aw fuck it.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing is wrong with it Orgasmatron, but do me a favor, and if you want to keep this convo up,
at least include the +1 that you initially gave me with it.
Every time you review, you keep bringing the rating down.
Thanks Pumkincheeks.!!.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've got to agree with the majority here, my friend. As much as I liked this story, there were some problems with it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait...why NOT in a ghey-buttsecks sort of way?
What's wrong with my ass?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good, interesting, and entertaining to read but I too was looking for sinister or horror. I've read many different takes/accounts on the fall of lucifer and while this was well done it's just another one.
damn that sounds harsh, don't mean it to be, just my opinion.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-10-20 14:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading - not scary.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am so behind on reading these.
+1 dude good story but not scary....sure you are tired of hearing that one.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Got me Ogasmatron,
Need to keep my tenses straight.
Kiss my ass for actually reading this piece of garbage!
jk, I love you, in a non-ghey butsecks kind of way, of course.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, with the last line starting off with "I'll have to get to Adam somehow..." I figured that this was something that the devil had yet to pursue. I figured that the timeline went something like this:
Angelic Fall (past) -------- Lucifer in the Underworld (present) -------- Fall of Man (future)
If I've got it wrong, then nevermind the nitpicking. My bad, dog.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron,
First line in the story: "I remember the Falling"
HAR HAR, REMEMBERING. Therefore, this is a tale in retrospect.
I don't expect a change in ratings, but just to nit-pick your nit-picking.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-10-20 13:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is nit-picky as hell, but if all of this is a reflection of Lucifer's fall - and it takes place before the Fall of Man - then how could Lucifer spout out a line about the angels' 'cattle-prodded' existence? There would have been no prods at that point. And would there really have been 'bitching' before humanity really took hold of language and created the word?
Little things like that brought me pause and took me out of the story for a few moments.
Aside from that, I enjoyed the description of the first few moments of life in the underworld.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and Q,
Congratulations, you are the 1000000000000000th person to make that exact joke about my pen name,
care to venture a guess as to what your prize is?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:14:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I did ask yesterday if these had to be scary, or just evil.
I thought this may be more along the lines of evil.
That, and I sat thinking about the title wayyyy to long and ran out of ideas.
Easy kill for Loki I guess.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-10-20 11:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am +2 this because it is well written and it develops into a good story in a very short period of time. Although to me this is not scary, the implied terror upon mankind is good. Revenge can be a scary thing.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:31:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Aren't these suppose to be scary? Cause if It's not somebody let me know cause I will have to rewrite mine.
_________________________________________
Terror can be found on many levels. To some, this could be scary, for others a good peice of science fiction, or reality. Don't re-write yours, lets see what horror and terror are too you.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nothing like telling the OTHER side of the story.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:35:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For some reason when I was reading this line-
"Anyone else feel like bitching about our present situation?" I call out to my new legion of the Fallen.
-I pictured McBain saying "still wanna talk shit?" and it ruined the story for me.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Q you are horrible.
Only +1 cause it needs more scary.
Aren't these suppose to be scary? Cause if It's not somebody let me know cause I will have to rewrite mine.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, i hope this will be a loooooooooooooooong series?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-10-20 10:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was pretty average, dan.
OH! I KILL MYSELF!